This is my personal experience with this sad cult, which I want so out of. It's quite a read, so if you're up for it, grab a drink and follow along... It's something very different from what Ive read on here before.
I regretfully became a publisher, I really didn’t want to, I was basically waking up and smelling the truth about the truth. But being born-in, and having a super-zealous elder giving me study, it just made me go ahead with it. Just to avoid deception from brothers and sisters I had formed bonds with. I started at 2 hours a month; many of those months were in fact, fictitious… I managed to get away with it until elders about 6 months later took me under their wing and pretty much “forced” me to go with them out in service. I say forced because who could say no to people I considered close, one of them actually admitting I was like a son to him, as he knew me since very little. I learned to somewhat enjoy field service, but mostly for the company of friends, more than knocking on doors bugging people.
I became a publisher not long after graduating high school. I had a mostly normal HS experience. I was free to befriend anyone, it was all good, and my mother overlooked that aspect of my life greatly. I’m thankful; I’d probably be in worse shape if it weren’t for an extra set of “worldly” friends I still keep in contact with for some sane free bound conversation!
Anyway, I kept studying with that elder, and about that time I met what would be my best friend for some time, or so I thought... (Bear with me as this ties-in to my ultimate decision of canceling my baptism) A well respected pioneer in the congregation, we had fun together, we went to movies. All what typical friends would do. He would hang out at my place, and so forth. At the same time I was leading a double life as a gay teen, which was what got me doubting the Watchtower in the first place, with its critical context against homosexuals. I was involved in a gay relationship with another man and well, I did act upon what nature DID give me. Nobody found out, and within 6 months we encountered some differences and decided to call it quits. Within some more months I fell in love with my pioneer best friend (actually developing all along). I was bashing my head against the wall because it was for sure a no-go. I became stressed, and I just wanted to scream but I couldn’t per the repercussions such thing might bring. I couldn’t stop catching a glimpse at him while he read the Watchtower on the platform, or when he read the Book Study, or just simply hanging out with him. He was a beautifully dressed guy with the charm to make someone’s heart race.
Meanwhile, time had passed, my ministry had gone up a few hours, that zealous elder moved to a congregation in need nearby but still proceeded with my study. He started pummeling me with the same line, pretty much every two weeks “When are you getting baptized?”… I always followed up with soon, or just remained silent and heard his counsel that we are near the end, and that I needed to be marked with Jehovah’s seal. This just added to the boiling pot of milk about to spill over. I finally told him… “Okay, I’m considering the Circuit Assembly coming up” he followed up with telling me to make sure it was coming from the heart. I later stepped down and said “Got to work on my ministry”… A lie, my hours remained the same, nothing changed.
One fateful night I was conversing with my pioneer friend about our lives, when I broke it to him, that I had gay feelings. He was supportive and kindly told me to go to the elders. I told him no, he offered to go with me, I declined. And he pulled the “bloodguilt” card, so I said “Okay, I will tell them” (I didn’t technically have to at all since I didn’t tell him I had sex, they were barely feelings, and as far as I know, being gay itself isn’t an offense that would cause DF/revoking of publishing) I lied, and this remained between us two. Our friendship remained unscathed, until we fell into one of those deep conversations once again many months later. My mind leaped a step and I typed out “I cannot hold it in any longer, I love you, you are my everything” hitting the enter key in one fell swoop. After a pause (I was shaking, pale) I received this “Bro, you need help. I’m going to talk to an elder, ttyl”… I felt dead. I almost tried to harm myself. He texted me the next day to let me know that he had told an elder, all I could do is curse him out. As he had broken a trust we supposedly had. A simple declination would have done, but as a good kiss-ass to the Watchtower, he went and ratted me out, and that was the end of it, the end of a friendship. There I found out the thick air of conditionality, bigotry, and hypocrisy breathed within the confines of a windowless Kingdom Hall. He would not talk to me again. Eventually he moved to serve another congregation. Reasons not related to me. One thing I thank him for though… He blew my eyes wide open to the Lie™… The elders never approached me, since, well there was no sin involved. Just feelings.. Though the news got out to a few believed-to-be friends. With time the guy was nice enough to shut up everyone talking smack about me. But only when I went to him and asked for resolve.Things remain the same with him though.
Well, District Convention nearing, I was posed a question about baptism again. I was stressed, no job, no school, nothing… Just the cult... I just went with it, grabbed an Organized book and started leafing through it... I didn’t finally talk to the elders until two weeks ago, after so much f***ing pressure from the zealous prick elder. Who’s not even in my congregation anymore and should’ve handed me over to someone back home. I stopped answering calls and he would pop up at home uninvited, cars obviously present, had to answer, and give the excuse that my phone was busted, and that I talked to an elder, but nothings getting done.. [Well then talk to the COBE]... Whatever, and he would leave... Eventually I was about to go for it... Little pubtruth had decided to get dunked, just to get brothers, sisters, elders, family off his hair. I got called back to the Star Chamber. I was red, with a migraine. An elder in relaxed posed told me, “Hey relax, you’re not in trouble” (same elder who knows that I had the gay feelings)... I started winding down, but not letting my guard down. They both brought out their Organized books along with bibles, asked me what were my goals. I sheepishly said “To serve Jehovah, better my ministry”… They were happy and nodded in agreement. (One of them, the secretary was well aware of my hours) They went through the basics of the procedures to get me dunked. After some back and forth, questions like my prayer frequency, personal study. I told them I was lacking. THERE I wiggled myself out. “That’s good my brother, keep working on that. And don’t worry too much, assemblies are always around the corner!” Conversation lasted a good 30-45 mins, It was sunset time and I was dying of hunger… Once I got out I felt like leaping of joy. I told my mother on the ride home, she felt saddened. But as they say, it’s a personal decision ;) … Now my plan would be finally getting a job (it’s been quite impossible), get to college… Pretty much preoccupy myself with things so I don’t have time for anything relating to the cult, vanish and make my move to an independent life, as I am already getting into my 20s.
One question remains. When that zealous elder comes back, how should I break the news that I’m not dunking this assembly (to let it drop slowly) ? There’s no way to avoid him he will get in touch with me however he can. Should I tell him how it went in the meeting? How would I kindly tell him it’s a personal decision and he shouldn’t butt in every chance he gets?
Sorry all for the massive read!