Saving myself from getting dunked, how did I get here?

by pubtruth 9 Replies latest jw experiences

  • pubtruth
    pubtruth

    This is my personal experience with this sad cult, which I want so out of. It's quite a read, so if you're up for it, grab a drink and follow along... It's something very different from what Ive read on here before.

    I regretfully became a publisher, I really didn’t want to, I was basically waking up and smelling the truth about the truth. But being born-in, and having a super-zealous elder giving me study, it just made me go ahead with it. Just to avoid deception from brothers and sisters I had formed bonds with. I started at 2 hours a month; many of those months were in fact, fictitious… I managed to get away with it until elders about 6 months later took me under their wing and pretty much “forced” me to go with them out in service. I say forced because who could say no to people I considered close, one of them actually admitting I was like a son to him, as he knew me since very little. I learned to somewhat enjoy field service, but mostly for the company of friends, more than knocking on doors bugging people.

    I became a publisher not long after graduating high school. I had a mostly normal HS experience. I was free to befriend anyone, it was all good, and my mother overlooked that aspect of my life greatly. I’m thankful; I’d probably be in worse shape if it weren’t for an extra set of “worldly” friends I still keep in contact with for some sane free bound conversation!

    Anyway, I kept studying with that elder, and about that time I met what would be my best friend for some time, or so I thought... (Bear with me as this ties-in to my ultimate decision of canceling my baptism) A well respected pioneer in the congregation, we had fun together, we went to movies. All what typical friends would do. He would hang out at my place, and so forth. At the same time I was leading a double life as a gay teen, which was what got me doubting the Watchtower in the first place, with its critical context against homosexuals. I was involved in a gay relationship with another man and well, I did act upon what nature DID give me. Nobody found out, and within 6 months we encountered some differences and decided to call it quits. Within some more months I fell in love with my pioneer best friend (actually developing all along). I was bashing my head against the wall because it was for sure a no-go. I became stressed, and I just wanted to scream but I couldn’t per the repercussions such thing might bring. I couldn’t stop catching a glimpse at him while he read the Watchtower on the platform, or when he read the Book Study, or just simply hanging out with him. He was a beautifully dressed guy with the charm to make someone’s heart race.

    Meanwhile, time had passed, my ministry had gone up a few hours, that zealous elder moved to a congregation in need nearby but still proceeded with my study. He started pummeling me with the same line, pretty much every two weeks “When are you getting baptized?”… I always followed up with soon, or just remained silent and heard his counsel that we are near the end, and that I needed to be marked with Jehovah’s seal. This just added to the boiling pot of milk about to spill over. I finally told him… “Okay, I’m considering the Circuit Assembly coming up” he followed up with telling me to make sure it was coming from the heart. I later stepped down and said “Got to work on my ministry”… A lie, my hours remained the same, nothing changed.

    One fateful night I was conversing with my pioneer friend about our lives, when I broke it to him, that I had gay feelings. He was supportive and kindly told me to go to the elders. I told him no, he offered to go with me, I declined. And he pulled the “bloodguilt” card, so I said “Okay, I will tell them” (I didn’t technically have to at all since I didn’t tell him I had sex, they were barely feelings, and as far as I know, being gay itself isn’t an offense that would cause DF/revoking of publishing) I lied, and this remained between us two. Our friendship remained unscathed, until we fell into one of those deep conversations once again many months later. My mind leaped a step and I typed out “I cannot hold it in any longer, I love you, you are my everything” hitting the enter key in one fell swoop. After a pause (I was shaking, pale) I received this “Bro, you need help. I’m going to talk to an elder, ttyl”… I felt dead. I almost tried to harm myself. He texted me the next day to let me know that he had told an elder, all I could do is curse him out. As he had broken a trust we supposedly had. A simple declination would have done, but as a good kiss-ass to the Watchtower, he went and ratted me out, and that was the end of it, the end of a friendship. There I found out the thick air of conditionality, bigotry, and hypocrisy breathed within the confines of a windowless Kingdom Hall. He would not talk to me again. Eventually he moved to serve another congregation. Reasons not related to me. One thing I thank him for though… He blew my eyes wide open to the Lie™… The elders never approached me, since, well there was no sin involved. Just feelings.. Though the news got out to a few believed-to-be friends. With time the guy was nice enough to shut up everyone talking smack about me. But only when I went to him and asked for resolve.Things remain the same with him though.

    Well, District Convention nearing, I was posed a question about baptism again. I was stressed, no job, no school, nothing… Just the cult... I just went with it, grabbed an Organized book and started leafing through it... I didn’t finally talk to the elders until two weeks ago, after so much f***ing pressure from the zealous prick elder. Who’s not even in my congregation anymore and should’ve handed me over to someone back home. I stopped answering calls and he would pop up at home uninvited, cars obviously present, had to answer, and give the excuse that my phone was busted, and that I talked to an elder, but nothings getting done.. [Well then talk to the COBE]... Whatever, and he would leave... Eventually I was about to go for it... Little pubtruth had decided to get dunked, just to get brothers, sisters, elders, family off his hair. I got called back to the Star Chamber. I was red, with a migraine. An elder in relaxed posed told me, “Hey relax, you’re not in trouble” (same elder who knows that I had the gay feelings)... I started winding down, but not letting my guard down. They both brought out their Organized books along with bibles, asked me what were my goals. I sheepishly said “To serve Jehovah, better my ministry”… They were happy and nodded in agreement. (One of them, the secretary was well aware of my hours) They went through the basics of the procedures to get me dunked. After some back and forth, questions like my prayer frequency, personal study. I told them I was lacking. THERE I wiggled myself out. “That’s good my brother, keep working on that. And don’t worry too much, assemblies are always around the corner!” Conversation lasted a good 30-45 mins, It was sunset time and I was dying of hunger… Once I got out I felt like leaping of joy. I told my mother on the ride home, she felt saddened. But as they say, it’s a personal decision ;) … Now my plan would be finally getting a job (it’s been quite impossible), get to college… Pretty much preoccupy myself with things so I don’t have time for anything relating to the cult, vanish and make my move to an independent life, as I am already getting into my 20s.

    One question remains. When that zealous elder comes back, how should I break the news that I’m not dunking this assembly (to let it drop slowly) ? There’s no way to avoid him he will get in touch with me however he can. Should I tell him how it went in the meeting? How would I kindly tell him it’s a personal decision and he shouldn’t butt in every chance he gets?

    Sorry all for the massive read!

  • rafreuter
    rafreuter

    In ways i truly cannot explain, i relate to this 10000000 times over. I too had someone out me, and it is the worse feeling in the world. DON'T DO IT. Simply say it's not your time. They can't do anything to you really since you aren't baptized.

  • sizemik
    sizemik

    Hi pubtruth . . .

    I told them I was lacking. THERE I wiggled myself out. “That’s good my brother, keep working on that. And don’t worry too much, assemblies are always around the corner!”

    Definitely tell your zealous elder study conductor that you've talked things over with the local elders . . . and be honest with him . . . use the same line ie; "don't worry too much, assemblies are always around the corner". The fact that you've talked it over with the local elders gives your position strength . . . and forces him back a bit. If you feel he could swallow it . . . you might add that being the age you are you no longer feel that a personal Bible Study is absolutely necessary . . . and that you would rather use the time working on your personal study habits . . . just as the local elders have suggested . . . he may balk . . . but some of his motivation will be his own FS hours.

    Getting out of the study will take a lot of pressure off and give you more remoteness . . . less chance of having your personal feelings exposed . . . and will in effect begin your fade. Without knowing the personalities involved . . . this is just a suggestion.

    Don't whatever you do . . . give in to getting baptised.

    But don't let yourself be bullied into anything . . . you CAN stand up to it . . . it's your life . . . your decision.

  • william hahn
    william hahn

    In the end the decision is one for you alone to make.However well intentioned any elders interest in you they know its up to you to decide.

    Use illustrations with them- liken youself to an Oak tree just sprouting it may be the slowest growing but will last for ages wheras they are forcing you to grow quicker than is normal for you and you will just burn out.Tell them your seed is sown on fine soil and you will make fine progress.They cant argue with you over that. Buy yourself some time with that and as suggested avoid a personnel bible study offer to do this yourself and when time is right you will ask for a study again. It may be a bit smartarsish but quote the scripture about "minding your own business".

    In all aspects of life you need to be in control of the situation when you can of course, so say whatever is expected and plan your departure rather than allowing them to dictate your life by disfellowshipping you.Good luck friend.

  • Chariklo
    Chariklo

    Hi pubtruth!

    I found your story very moving. You ask, in respect of the zealous elder,

    How would I kindly tell him it’s a personal decision and he shouldn’t butt in every chance he gets?

    In my experience, whenever in life I've asked a question like that, I was basically telling myself the answer. You know what to do. You tell him "it’s a personal decision and you shouldn’t butt in every chance you get?".

    You're asking the question because you feel insecure in the situation you're in...and no wonder!...but that situation is intolerable. For your own peace of mind and sanity something has to change, and dealing with this elder presents itself to you as the first step. My advice would be to take that step at the first opportunity.

    The only thing is, once you do take that step you might find it is the first step on a new road, so you might want to think hard about whether or not you're ready to set out on that road. It's clear from what you write that you see through the Watchtower...or at least, it certainly sounds like that. You're young. Dealing with growing disillusionment with the constricting society you're in is hard enough on its own, but you are also struggling with all the complexities accompanying an emerging sexuality, and on top of that a sense of bitter betrayal by a friend for whom you had developed intense feelings.

    That's a hard mix for anyone to deal with. But you have a number of things on your side, notably a strong sense of truth, and of right and wrong, and those are strengthening and will ultimately help you guide your own course through choppy seas.

    That inner honesty is sooner or later going to confront you with the question of whether or not you can bear to stay quietly in the organised world in which you've been brought up, or whether you can see yourself confronting the framework within which you find yourself and stepping outside it. It's not a question of whether or not you're brave enough. I am sure you have courage, because inner honesty of the kind you show brings its own courage. It's a question of whether now is the time or if you feel you can wait.

    Being young can be very hard, because feelings are so strong and run so very deep. You've got a lot going for you, like your friends in the world on the outside and your own intelligence. There is no law that says you have to do what your parents do and believe what you've been told to believe, and you're not baptised so you can't be DF'd with all that entails.

    In life difficult things often have the simplest solutions. Just do it. Like Yoday says: "Try? There is no try. Just do."

    Just my take on your very interesting and moving post. I'll look forward to reading how you get on.

  • Chariklo
    Chariklo

    Oops!

    Like Yoday says: "Try? There is no try. Just do."

    Very sorry, Yoday means Yoda!

  • Black Sheep
    Black Sheep

    I chose vanish, unbaptised. Worked for me.

    Decades later my parents aren't happy about it, but I'm not shunned by them or my extended family.

  • skeeter1
    skeeter1

    Be happy that you are not further into the cult. You are not dunked. And, you are young enough to get ahead with your life, find a career, and a new lifestyle that will make you a much happier person. Shakespear said it best, "Be true to thine own self, and thou can't be false to any man." (or something along those lines).

    It sounds like you need to learn the inter-personal lesson that YOU can control boundaries with other people. Until you control the boundaries, other people (especially cult recruiters) will walk all over you.

    To this elder, you can always say, "I was reviewing the baptism questions and I do not want to be baptised to an Organization. It's too, well, cultish for my personal tastes. I honor you as a long-time friend of mine, but the closer I get to baptism the more misgivings I have about the Organization. I hope that we can remain friends, as I did enjoy your company. If you'dl ike to go fishing or meet for a beer in a few months, that would be great." ...... Then, if he really keeps up at pressuring you, "Please put me on the 'do not call' list."

    Skeeter

  • pubtruth
    pubtruth

    Thank you all for the kind words, and support. Quite the contrast from what Witchtower Babble & Trick Society puts you out to all be. The “Zelder” called me this morning, I quickly picked it up on the first ring. He called me for another matter, since I’m the congregation tech wiz, (more the reason to get me on board fast so I could do sound, and work the bulletin board :$) he’d be calling me often for help with computer issues. Once I helped him out he asked me “How are things, when are they going to start the questions?” I simply told him what happened, I was called back into the conf. room, asked about my goals, and what I was doing currently felt lacking and the elders agreed it just wasn’t my time. The line went silent for some odd seconds, his tone of voice totally changed “Oh well, yeah, keep working on that then, there’s always next assembly (3 months away, habits die hard…)” “Yeah…” (Rolling my eyes).. The call fell on itself rather quickly after that.

    I have not felt happier for about 2 years! I bought myself more time, to eventually remove myself from everything Watchtower. Though the questioning again is inevitable, I will just have to tell him, it’s my own personal business, I’ll decide on my own terms. It’s my own life… Like my mother told me “Your salvation is personal” She has some doubts of her own, the disfellowshipping arrangement, and the Holy Spirit guiding the elders in their decisions. She has faith in Jehovah, but she is seeing the hypocrites in the hall, and some things from the “slave” that does not make sense. Yet she still marches on, and was looking forward to my baptismal. She has a story of her own, I may share it, in due time, which was also a catalyst to my stress and wanting out.

    The study with this “Zelder” is no longer a factor, to my belief… I gobbled up “Teach” (twice, each time with a separate brother) and “God’s Love”. We ran out of material and we started on “Young People Ask, v.2” … Which was my most excruciating, as it’s not question and answer and basically had to make up my “bible conscious” opinion, while I in fact believed the total opposite. So I’m sure he thinks I’m capable of doing my own personal study… (I’ll be doing more productive things, thank you)

    Specific Replies:

    It's clear from what you write that you see through the Watchtower...or at least, it certainly sounds like that.

    It’s been like that my whole life, being born in, but always doubting. I’ve been on the fence and almost fell over to their side.

    There is no law that says you have to do what your parents do and believe what you've been told to believe, and you're not baptised so you can't be DF'd with all that entails.

    You are right, I’m lucky to not have gone deeper into the grunge. I would still have my family, and fully regain my cousins which I had cut off ties with (they are DF’d) Just another reason to not dedicate myself to the publishing cult. They just add up to the sky…

    It sounds like you need to learn the inter-personal lesson that YOU can control boundaries with other people. Until you control the boundaries, other people (especially cult recruiters) will walk all over you.

    I’ve been brought up as an arse-kisser. Baby-steps, I’m starting to make my stand.

    To this elder, you can always say, "I was reviewing the baptism questions and I do not want to be baptised to an Organization. It's too, well, cultish for my personal tastes. I honor you as a long-time friend of mine, but the closer I get to baptism the more misgivings I have about the Organization. I hope that we can remain friends, as I did enjoy your company. If you'dl ike to go fishing or meet for a beer in a few months, that would be great." ...... Then, if he really keeps up at pressuring you, "Please put me on the 'do not call' list."

    Believe me; I would so love to pull out the cult card right on their face. But my whole family is in and I’m not looking forward to getting called an apostate just yet. Especially after how highly this “Zelder” thought of me… He wanted me to regular pioneer!! HAH!

  • Black Sheep
    Black Sheep
    I would so love to pull out the cult card right on their face.

    Tell them nothing, especially that.

    Ask as many questions as you like, preferably one at a time, but tell them nothing. They will try to use anything you tell them against you.

    Act offended if they lie to you, try to fool you, try bullying, psychological warfare etc., or try to trash your character for simply asking a question and expecting an honest reply.

    They aren't free until they tell us they are in a cult.

    Cheers

    Chris

Share this

Google+
Pinterest
Reddit