JW Paranoia

by Norm 5 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Norm

  Nowhere do we get a better idea of how paranoid JW's are when it comes to avoiding reality on the net. Anything to prevent having to deal with anything resembling critical thinking:

  Hello my name is Rita , I want to assist you in joining our JWOTW group but because this is a private community for witnesses only, I'd like to ask you a few questions.

  1. What is your real name (first and last)?

  2. What is the name of the congregation that you attend (city, state or country)?

  3. Are you active and in good standing with your local congregation?

  ( do you participate at the meetings? )

  ( does field service play a meaningful part in your life?.)

  4. What part of this week's Watchtower Study did you appreciate the most?

  (pick one point, maybe one of the How Would You Answer , questions.)

  5. If you are studying the Bible with Jehovah's Witnesses,

  a. how long have you been doing so?

  b. are you now attending our meeting?

  c. are you now an unbaptised publisher?

  d. are you looking forward to becoming baptized?

  6. What spiritual goals have you set for yourself?

  7. What do you appreciate most about being one of Jehovah's Witnesses?
  8. What do you love most about your Heavenly Father?

  Hope to hear from you soon so that you can be on your way to making more friends in our little congregation on the web.

  Please return this application within 7 days. Sooner if you can. Thank you Rita

  Always your faithful friend, Rita
  at [email protected]

  Maybe they should include a question about how many hair you got in your ass too?

  Norm
• 

  moman

  9. Do you believe that the Governing Body is Gods mouthpiece?
• 

  freeman

  10. Are you aware that a “mature” Christian will avoid all blood products during an emergency especially when their life is at stake?

  11. Do you have a will prepared and have you made the Faithful Slave the beneficiary?

  Freeman
• 

  SYN

  1. How many times have you had power-hungry Elders invade your life and your home to 'Lovingly Counsel' you?

  2. How many years of education did you miss if you entered the Truth before 1975?

  3. If the answer to #2 is >= 1, how many burgers a day do you now flip at McDonalds?

  4. How many times have you been the subject of a Judicial Committee?

  5. How many incredibly silly JW urban myths have you propogated, and how many demons have you expelled from your home by removing small items of furniture, purportedly from 'wordly' sources?

  6. Do you have any children? What are their names? How old are they? What do they look like? (Please provide photos, names, telephone numbers, and addresses if they are below the age of 16. This is especially for use by the Elder 'Body'.)

  7. Do you actually, physically, remember any part of last week's Watchtower? Really? Are you sure? Don't you think that's a bit unlikely, considering how dry and spectacularly boring it is?

  8. If you attended Bethel, how many weeks did you spend scrubbing toilets, even though you were a qualified professional who would have been bossing around 60 people in the Real World?

  9. Does field service play a meaningful part in your life? Also, do you watch any Demonic television shows, such as the Smurfs or Oprah? If you answered yes to any of the last two questions, please stop writing right now and leave. Goodbye, evil one.

  10. What spiritual goals have you set for yourself? And what are your goals at McDonalds? Are you aiming for a managerial position at this place of employ? If you are, you are a power-hungry wordly wench, you should not be a part of this system of things, please stop answering these questions and leave quietly by your back door.

  11. Have you ever seen people in your KH fornicating/smoking/holding hands with someone not related to them/drinking/watching football? If so, could you give us their full details please? We need to contact the Elders.

  Hope to hear from you soon so that you can be on your way to making more friends in our little congregation on the web, and wasting EVEN MORE bandwidth repeating pointless paragraphs from the Watchtower in order to appear faithful, when you are really just cut-n-pasting them from the WT CDROM!!!

  Please return this application within 7 days, otherwise we wil have to place you before a Judicial Committee for tardiness, sooner if you can. Thank you Rita

  "I see no good reasons why the views given in this volume should shock the religious sensibilities of anyone." -- Charles Darwin, The Origin Of Species, 1869.
• 

  writerpen

  too funny!
• 

  MrMoe

  SYN -- GOOD ONE -- I LOVE IT! I MEAN AWESOME STUFF HERE!!

  OK -- HERE ARE SOME NON-FUNNY ONES. Sad thing is, this is no-no stuff, so very pathetic. Makes it funny is a sad sorta way. The following are meant to be serious... man, I am surprised the JW's even exist...

  ----

  Have you ever removed your eyes from the speaker for more than 5 seconds?

  Is your Watchtower marked up or blank?

  Do you need to take more than one bathroom break?

  Do the folks in the row farthest from your hear you singing?

  Is your shirt above or below the knee cap?

  Does your jacket match your pants?

  Do you have day old stubble?

  Do you listen to music other than Kingdom Melodies?

  Does this music contain the words "I want your body" or "It's time to party?"

  Have you ever played a sport or wore a team T-Shirt or hung a poster on the wall of a well known person?

  When you dance do you move your hips?

  Do you date with out proper adult supervision?

  Have you ever kissed with your tongue without the benefit of marriage?

  While in the bathtub do your hands wander?

  Have you ever thought in a lustful way about that one brother or sister who has an ass that won't quit?

  Do you secretly think that the PO has bad breath?

  Have you ever said "damn it" in the heat of a moment?

  Does your controlled life suck?