Advice about writing a letter to my relatives

by 2pink 6 Replies latest jw friends

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  2pink

  My husband and i left almost 2 years ago, and were quickly dubbed apostate and didn't refute it...since then we have had zero contact with either of our families (aside from one of my sisters and one of my aunts). i think it's taken this long for me to come to terms with that...we both came from large families with extended relatives ...all JWs.

  something that i need to do for ME is write a letter...it will be a pretty generic form letter, but anyway i want to draft and send a letter to those that i truly care about. they apparently didn't care enough to call or write and say goodbye to us, but i would like to be the bigger person and say goodbye and wish them well. this is the only thing that has bothered me since we left...that i haven't closed those relationships on my terms...in a loving way.

  my question is...assuming that any of them read what i send (i imagine half of them will just delete the email when they see my evil name attached to it)....should i just say goodbye? or should i include any reasons why i left? i kind of want to, since none of the "christians" took the time to even ask me why i left, what i was feeling, etc. but i dont want to say too much and make them just stop reading. it's such a fine line with these black and white one dimensional people.

  i'm curious to know what others' experiences are in trying to explain themselves to JW relatives. i am not out to break their faith or anything i just want a chance to say my peace, and wish them well. that's all.
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  leavingwt

  Unfortunately, your JW family will view your letter as an attack on Jehovah and an attack on them. It will make them angry. They most definitely will not read it.

  If this is an email communication, more than a few of them will reply with a hurtful message.

  Please remember, that they have developed a hatred for you. This is what the Society demands of them.

  Granted, their authentic personality does exist, somewhere, even if they hide it. You're unlikely to reach that authentic personality by discussing anything WT-related.

  Love and patience are your best tools. So, if you communicate with them, just give them an update on your life and the enjoyable things that you're doing. Also, ask how they are doing.
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  ABibleStudent

  leavingwt - Love and patience are your best tools. So, if you communicate with them, just give them an update on your life and the enjoyable things that you're doing. Also, ask how they are doing.

  Hi 2pink, I agree with leavingwt. Email/mail pictures of you and your family having fun traveling and celebrating life to your relatives. I wouldn't say more than that you are having a great time and thought of them or you were reminded about the time you did something with them that was fun. You should ask yourself is the letter for your peace of mind or for your relatives? If for your peace of mind, see a therapist, who has knowledge/experience helping people who have been exposed to mind control, to help you and your husband to heal. Being JWs may have left many invisible emotional wounds on you and your husband

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you know,

  ABibleStudent
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  WontLeave

  The Society goes to great lengths to create an "us vs. them" mentality and "if ya ain't fur us, yer agin' us". The connection created in the cult mindset, equating the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society to Jehovah himself is very strong. This is why finding fault with an unscriptural mistake in WT literature is seen as an attack on God. At the same time, a JW entertains the idea the WT isn't inspired and is imperfect. This is called "cognitive dissonance" and the brain struggles against this condition being pointed out. Not only does the cult member feel your denial of their magazine god is an attack on their faith, but their brain feels the mental anguish of being confronted with diametrically-opposed ideas being simultaneously held and will perform some very fancy mental gymnastics to alleviate this discomfort.

  The easiest and first step in this process is to blame you, the perceived antagonist as the problem. You're causing their discomfort; not their ridiculous beliefs. Also keep in mind, JWs tend to be toward the left side of the bell curve, both intellectually and scholastically. Since it's highly unlikely they can argue their beliefs against someone who has given it much thought, they resort to personal attacks and glaring logical fallacies. They will create a quagmire of non-issues, copy-and-paste WT canned responses, and ad hominem excuses.

  You can lead a Witness to truth, but you can't make him think. A happy cult member is impossible to deprogram. One can only open a JW who has caught a glimpse of the man behind the curtain to information which will fully expose the hypocrisy and lies of the Watchtower.

  You may simply say you've learned the truth about The Truth tm and if they ever want to know what you know, they know where to contact you. It may spark curiosity and place the ball squarely in their court. Then, they can hardly complain if you simply answer their questions. Not that they wouldn't; I've known plenty of JWs who were so cocky and confident in their hypnosis, they went looking for fights, only to call foul and retreat, while hurling insults and feigning persecution.
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  Band on the Run

  I am familiar with venting by writing letters to family members through Twelve Step programs. Some points intrigued me. First, never create a situation you cannot manage. Seeking out your abuser who will only hurt you again is no way to go. If the primary purpose is to clarify your ideals and views for your self, one can write a letter that is burned.

  The important thing is verbalizing your feelings. Committing to paper is an act of publication. Publication is usually enough. Delivery is not needed for the letter to work. People come up with rituals to give the letter great importance. Special paper, music playing, whatever you like. Expecting the person to respect your boundaries and see your way leads to greater hurt. Finally, your truth and feelings are valid for you. Objectively, no one can ever say you are wrong. Sort of I feel, rather than this is a fact.
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  Black Sheep

  Never bring up religion with a family member.

  Let them do that.

  Never tell them anything. They will use it against you.

  Only ever ask questions. Never answer their question, they are just wanting to change the subject or get you to say something they can use to satisfy their need to see you as Satan's spawn.
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  Band on the Run

  Black Sheep has good advice IMO if you want to maintain some tie. My extended family was Witnesses. I always thought I would be loved more if I were a good enough Witness. They were very good, loving people. The cult permeated how they reacted. When I was eighteen and later at twenty-eight, I could not take repressing my feelings at family events. They could jaw on about the WTBS and everyone my mom grew up with and we kept our peace, overlooking our rights to self-expression to assuage them. I told them expressly I could not believe and briefly, stated my objections.

  Objecting supposes there was a rational reason for being Witnesses in the first place. Perhaps the first Russellite follower had reasons. People pleasing and extreme fear cannot be discussed or debated. They are brainwashed. The police take great care when rescuing hostages. Talking with them was not having a discussion with friends or colleagues. We talked at each other.

  I am very grateful they looked the other way. Disfellowshipping never bothered me from the Society's view. The thought of losing these relatives made me feel nauseaous with anxiety.