Quote from: Chapter 8, “How to Help”, pg 132
”If someone you know and love becomes a member of a destructive cult, you will probably find yourself facing one of the toughest situations of your life. In helping a person you love return to being himself, it’s easy to fall into mistakes that could make your job even harder. Yet, if you respond to the challenges in a planned, emotionally balanced way, the chances are good that your effort will be successful, and it will be a very rewarding and ultimately joyful experience. That, at least, is what I have seen time and time again in the families I’ve worked with as an exit-counselor.”
WARNING: I will be expressing my opinions in this thread. I am not a therapist! I am just a person trying to learn how to help free the mind and Holy Spirit of a former friend, who was raised a devout JW from childhood (not birth), and other JWs. If you are a former JW, I would follow Steve Hassan’s advice and get therapy from a person who is knowledgeable/experienced with helping people exit an organization that uses mind control techniques.
Continuation of ”Combatting Destructive Mind Control – Part I” which describes what is destructive mind control and how some organizations control individuals through mind control and Part II about Steve Hassan’s keys to combating mind control. In Part III I will try to use/adapt Steve Hassan’s theories/ideas to overcoming the challenges of helping born-in JWs.
Quote from: Chapter 7, “Exit-Counseling: Freedom Without Coercion”, pg 121
”My approach rests on several core beliefs about people. One is that people need and want to grow. Life is ever-changing, and people inherently move in a direction that will support and encourage growth.
It is important that people focus on the here-and-now. What has been done in the past is over. The focus should not be on what they “did wrong” or “didn’t do,” but on what they can do now. The past is useful only insofar as it provides information that may be valuable to the present
It is also my observation and belief that people will always choose what they think is best for them at a given time. In my experience, people will always do what they believe is best for them on the basis of their information and experiences. The member permitted himself to be indoctrinated in the first place only because he believed that the group was a wonderful and that he had something to gain from it.
I also believe that everyone is unique and every situation is different. Eash person has a special way of understanding and interacting with reality. Therefore, my approach is totally client-centered. I adjust to fit the client’s needs. I don’t expect him to fit to my needs. In my approach, the counselor’s job is to understand the person thoroughly – what he values, what he needs, what he wants, and how he thinks. I have to be able to step inside his head – in a way to “be him,” in order to understand and help him do what he wants to do. My approach depends on having faith that deep, deep down, even the most committed member of a mind control group wants out.
Last, my approach is family –centered. When someone is recruited into a destructive cult, everyone he knows and loves is affected. Family members and friends are vital in most successful cases. They can be trained to be maximally effective whenever they communicate with the cult member. In this way emotional and personal leverage can be used to gain his cooperation”
So what challenges are there for helping born-in JWs? I can think of at least the following four challenges to helping born-in JWs:
1) Since most people grow significantly intellectually, emotionally, physically, and spiritually from birth to at least 25 years old, how do you discover the authentic personality of a born-in JW who has been exposed to JW indoctrination from birth?
2) Are more family members JWs or non-JWs of the JW who you want to help? If most family members are JWs, how can unresolved family issues be resolved to help a JW break free of mind control?
3) Steve Hassan believes that a family’s unconditional love is crucial for a successful intervention. Will you be able to find an ethical exit counselor to help you with an intervention of a born-in JW?
4) If you are a born-in former JW, will you be able to afford to pay for your own therapy and for an intervention of a born-in JW family member or friend?
Quote from: Chapter 7 – “Exit-Counseling: Freedom Without Coercion”, pg 122
”A family’s love is a much stronger force than the conditional love given by cult members and leaders. A family’s love supports one’s right to grow into an autonomous adult and make one’s own life decisions. A cult’s love attempts to keep a person forever as a dependent adolescent – threatening to be withdrawn if the person makes his own life decisions that differ from the leader’s orders. When family members learn how to interact effectively, they do a great deal to help the individual come away from the group. During the intervention, this factor often becomes crucial.”
How would you help a JW family member or friend? If you have ideas that have worked for you, please share them with other people, because your ideas may inspire someone else. If I was a former JW, I would help another family member or friend who is a JW by doing the following:
1) Get therapy for myself to address as many phobias that JWs can develop according to Steve Hassan’s list of 10 universal themes that dangerous cults use. My number one priority would be to maintain an emotionally, intellectually, physically, spiritually, financially balanced life for myself so that I could help others. How could I help someone else if I am emotionally and intellectually injured?
2) Set a reasonable goal to achieve based on my personal resources and commitment, and the personal circumstances and family circumstances of the person who I want to help. Reasonable goals might be to have a closer relationship with that person or free their mind and the Holy Spirit inside of them. I do not feel that setting an initial goal for some else to help them fade from the WTBTS is very unreasonable, especially if they are a born-in. Also, do not expect instantaneous results and plan for a very long-term commitment of your resources and energy.
3) Use Hassan’s Key #1 to build rapport and trust, which I will elaborate a little more in the next paragraph. Building rapport and trust is very, very important and very elusive!!
4) Use Hassan’s Key #2 to use goal-oriented communication with the JW by being subtle and flexible, and use Hassan’s Keys #3, #5, #6, and #7. Use a modified Key #4 to discover who their authentic self would have been if they were not born a JW by asking them what do they enjoy doing, what non-JW activities make them happy, praising them when they act as an individual or make decisions that put family above the WTBTS, etc. Unless there is no other alternative, I would only use Hassan’s Key #8 after a JW expresses serious doubts about the WTBTS.
5) Participate in forums like the JWSF and JWN to learn new ideas, and read other relationship self-help books to learn about ideas that could support my goal.
6) In deference to atheist I am writing about praying to Our Father last instead of first. Every day I would pray to Our Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit to “help (name of JW) to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ, instead of the teachings of the WTBTS everyday of their life for the rest of their life.” I have been praying like this for my former friend for the past 4 months. Since I believe in Our Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit, it feels right to me to ask for their help.
Quote from: Chapter 4 – “Understanding Mind Control”, pg 75
My belief that God works through other people is based, in part, on one of my own experiences. After I had been out of the cult for over four years, I accidentally overheard my mother speaking to another person. She said, “And don’t tell Steven, but I was praying for a whole year that God should break his leg! I said dear God, don’t hurt him too much. Just enough so we can find him and rescue him.” I was amazed and asked my mother why she hadn’t told me this after so many years. She answered, “It’s not nice to pray that someone should hurt himself. I didn’t want you to be angry with me” I wasn’t. I thought back to what the emergency technicians told me as they were prying me out of the wreckage: “It’s a miracle you weren’t killed!”
How would you build rapport and trust with a born-in JW? For me there are so many different variables to take into account: like did you recently stop believing in the WTBTS, are you df’ed, are you related, are you “Worldly” and the person you are trying to help is attracted to you, how often you see each other, etc. If you are married, I would encourage praying and reading the Bible a lot together, so that your spouse’s phobia about your changing beliefs towards the WTBTS does not mean that you no longer love her and want to divorce her. You may have to overcome similar phobias of JWs who are siblings, parents, and children. Sending pictures with loving notes to relatives about you having a good time and were thinking of them may over a long time help rebuild trust and rapport. For the past 6 months, I have been very sporadically communicating with/meeting my former friend, who is a devout JW. To build rapport and trust with my former friend, I have done the following:
1) Give her genuine and honest praise about her actions or what she says that demonstrate her individuality or are contrary to WTBTS doctrines, and cause no harm to others.
2) Ask her questions about what she likes to do, what non-JW things make her happy, how she feels about current events, or other situations. After we spend time together, ask her if she had fun and what did she like that we did to freeze an image in her mind that she does enjoy spending time with me and that I am a good person. Recently, I have noticed that my friend is trying to create images in her mind to deceive herself about my character to indoctrinate herself not to spend time with me.
3) Encourage her to do activities that are fun and may make her miss a meeting.
4) If she asks me for help to do something that would save her money/time and allow us to spend time together change my plans, if they are not too important, to help her.
5) Always be genuine, honest, loving, caring, and positive when I am with my former friend.
I am probably making mistakes trying to help my former friend, and ,hopefully: I am learning from my mistakes, I am not devoting too much time and energy to help her, I am continuing to live my life, and I will continue to share my experiences with others in the BibleStudent Blog.
Will anyone share their personal experiences about freeing the mind and the Holy Spirit inside of a JW family member or friend, to inspire other former JWs or non-JWs to combat destructive mind control? Good-luck in helping yourself and others, and be an informed, conscientious consumer when selecting a therapist, exit counselor, and/or joining an organization. To locate resources about recovering from a mind control experience, I suggest starting your internet search at the Freedom of Mind Center website which is operated by Steve Hassan. As I learn of more useful websites/webpages to combat mind control, I plan to update this thread.
Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,
ABibleStudent (on the JWN) and BibleStudent (on the JWSF)