Can one be true to oneself and not appear selfish to your love ones?

by jam 8 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  jam

  Being true to oneself is A skill. It might be the single most

  improtant skill we can acquire. A Zen poem expresss the

  art of it in the simlest terms.

  I eat when I'm hungry.

  I drink when I'm thirsty.

  I sleep when I'm tired.

  How wonderful.

  For many people, the very closest they will come to being

  true to themselves happens during the earliest days of

  their lives, when they cried when they felt like crying,

  puked when they had to puke, slept when they were

  tired. Yet, those days soon ended. As we grew, we were

  increasingly taught to ignore ourselves and our wants

  and needs. To sit still when we wanted to move about.

  To be quiet when we wanted to yell. To learn subjects

  we did not want to study. To hold jobs we did not want

  to hold. Much of what we learned about denying ourseleves

  was necessary, for us to live and function in this world.

  So, can one be true to oneself and not be selfish.

  My daughter think I'm selfish because I want come back

  to the JW cult.
• 

  EmptyInside

  We can't control how others view us. We can turn the tables on them too. Isn't it selfish of them to want to control our life? Do they want us to be unhappy and go through the motions just to please them? Wouldn't that be defeating the whole purpose of serving God whole-souled as Witnesses are taught to do?

  I struggle with this myself,obviously,being a fader. We were taught as Witnessses that all those who leave,starting even with Adam and Eve,were selfish and thinking only of themselves. That it is wrong to think we can live a full life independent of them.

  But,I'm trying to learn myself,that living your life to the fullest is not selfishness it is survival.
• 

  flipper

  JAM- Good thread topic. I agree, of course we can be true to ourselves and still be unselfish in dealing with our loved ones. I feel everything is a question of balance. There are things my wife and I enjoy doing together , some things she enjoys doing alone, and some things I enjoy doing alone. We have shared hobbies and individual hobbies we enjoy. If we did these things to the exclusion of some of these interests, it would throw the relationship off balance from the norm.

  As regards JW relatives who desire us to come back into the Witnesses just so WE can be miserable like them - Well, they'll just have to deal with it - us not going back. I feel it gives me a good opportunity to show them that I'm just as loving and decent a person as they are as JW's ( if not more so ) by showing them kindness, authentic family love with no expectations from them. They aren't used to receiving unconditional love in the JW cult - so sometimes it makes them think when we rise above their boorish behavior
• 

  jam

  Empty: I totally agree, "selfishness on their part to control our lives.

  I was hung up for years on this, I could not live up to Jehovahs

  standards, I wanted to do my own thing.
• 

  jam

  Flipper: Yes, balance is the key, very tricky.
• 

  Rocky_Girl

  Accusing someone of being selfish is usually an attempt to guilt that person into doing something against their will. Which is selfish of the accuser. My ex-husband had the nerve to call me selfish when I left him after he beat me to a pulp and tried to choke me in front of our child. He said I was only thinking of myself. Point: People who yell "selfish!!" with a finger pointing, are usually the selfish one.
• 

  losthobbit

  Everyone has rules, or expectations about how other people are supposed to behave. It's not your job to live by the rules / expectations set by other people. You have to define your own rules for your life.
• 

  losthobbit

  So... you may appear selfish by their rules, but stick to your own, and they'll just have to get over it.
• 

  Scully

  It's taking a long time, but I'm learning to overcome the tendency to be a people pleaser. Often times, I would say "yes" when I really didn't want to do what was asked of me, just to keep the peace. While there was seeming peacefulness, internally I was a mess. I felt resentment over being taken advantage of, because - wonder of wonders - when I asked them to do things for me, they had no problem saying "no". Keeping the peace came at too high a price, considering I was the one burdened with extra things I would rather have not done, and if I balked in the slightest, the accusation of "selfishness" was bandied about too.

  So I started to take a hint from them. Whenever they said "no" to something I asked them, I wondered out loud why it was selfish of me to say "no" to their requests, but not selfish for them to say "no" to my requests. Then I heard the accusations of being manipulative. So I wondered out loud why it was manipulative of me to question their "no" but not manipulative of them to question my "no".

  That stopped the pestering to get me to do things I didn't want to do, temporarily. Slowly, people would start asking me to take on stuff again, and I've become quite good at saying - very pleasantly - "Thank you for thinking of me, but I have enough on my plate for the time being. I hope you find someone to take it on."

  Now, when it comes to JW matters, and pursuing a life path based on evidence you have learned regarding the WTS/JWs etc., sometimes it takes growing a thick skin to deal with the guilt-mongering that JWs use in an attempt to reel you back in. Particularly if you have children whom you are trying to distance from the JWs, or if you have parents or grandparents or other relatives who have passed away.

  Classic lines from JWs involve being responsible for the death of your children at Armageddon™, or what shall we tell Granny when she is Resurrected™ and you aren't there?? I've heard them both.

  The thing is, your decision to fade and my decision to fade are based on facts and evidence. Their decision to stay is based on superstitious fear and unquestioning loyalty/obedience to a Governing Body™ that clearly takes its Theocratic War Strategy™ to the furthest lengths possible by misleading their followers with lies, revisionist history and academic dishonesty in quoting scholarly works. The fact that they are now libellously insinuating that Inactive Persons™ and Apostates™ are contagiously "mentally diseased" reveals the level of fear mongering to which they are willing to stoop. It's no different from the person manipulatively calling you "selfish" in order to get you to do what they want you to do, to your own detriment. Clearly, JWs have learned the skill of guilt-mongering and manipulation from skilled masters of the art.

  The difference between us and them, though, is that we recognize the manipulation for what it is, and they refuse to break the chains that the manipulation keeps them in.