A letter to my MS father.

by Velour 5 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Velour

  It's been over a year since I've left. I wasn't DF and I haven't officially DA myself. When I left my father told me with a look in his face I've never seen before, "Oh, you'll have so much fun out there in the world. However, when the fun ends and they chew you up and spit you back out, we'll be here." I packed up my belongings and walked out the door.

  For some reason, recently, I've had this urge to write to my father. I partly want to let him know that I'm doing fine and I also want it to be known that I tried to communicate and keep the relationships with them open, never turning my back on them, and that, in fact, it is them (my parents) who have chosen to shut me out and shun me. I'd also like to ask why he believes I'm a 16 year old boy only looking for fun. (He was raised as a JW, left when he was 16 so he could sleep with girls, and later returned as a family man after years of owning and DJ-ing at strip clubs, living that drug filled lifestyle) I'm a 25 year old, well, woman. However, that doesn't sound like a very good letter.

  I don't plan on pointing my finger or waving my hands around griping about the organization. I'd like to ask some questions that were very personal to me-questions that bothered me while I was in and see how my father feels about these things. And I'd like to lay out how hurt I am that as a family we are further and further away from being apart of each others' lives. I don't want to approach him as an apostate but as his daughter who is genuinely in pain over not having my family with me. I miss my younger siblings and I miss my dad.

  Has anyone tried to communicate with family still in the organization? Is there a way to start a dialogue and effectively keep the communication open? I'm wondering if I should first write one letter appealing to him as his daughter wanting my family back? Or can I go ahead and include the questions that bothered me? I wonder if I'm dealing with a "this is your one chance" kind of situation? Or if I can start slow with one letter and move on from there?
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  mochamint22

  Hi there, It's been about a year for me too since i left and am not DFd or DAd. just inactive as they say. I'm 26 year old woman who has a mother much like your father. I've heard those words too about the world chewing my up and spitting me back out. me being a walking corpse in her eyes, etc....i've also tried to keep the lines of communication open but she ignores me. only talks to me if i call her and its all superficial at this point. I did have a conversation with her a couple of months ago (oh i forgot to say she is a witness for like 20 something yrs and a pioneer) about how i dont feel the truth is the truth and about the bad experiences i had when i was growing up which includes molestation, defellowshipping and reinstatement, private reproof, physical abuse, judgement by others in the cong, gossip over my issues, etc. the list goes on and on. i told her that i've been reading info on this site and people's experiences mirror mine and that i dont believe this to be the truth. she said that it was foolish for me to be talking to others that have left the org saying that if someone wanted to get to know me after i divorced my husband, would i think it fair for someone to ask him about my character? saying of course not because he would not give me a fair description of who i am. i also brought up questions to her about scriptures and how they have been changed it the NWT and she said that someone has to change it to help people in the world understand the message. and i said who is the org to change gods words for any reason because thats just some persons interpretation. she said they are put there by jehovah to give the message any questioning them is questioning jehovah. it was basically talking in circles. she hates any kind of success that i have and always has some snide remark like it being short lived since i'm not a jw anymore. she tries to sabotage any plans i have to make it a failure so she is "right." basically, my point is that there is no point. you cant reason with a devout JW. you'd be wasting your breath. once they are in, they're in and anything outside of that bubble is wrong and to be shunned. i dont want to hurt you and i hope you can see where i'm coming from. i've been in your shoes, hell i AM in your shoes and its a waste of my time and energy so i gave up trying.
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  ABibleStudent

  Hi Velour, I am sorry to hear about your situation. Have you read Steve Hassan's books (i.e., "Combatting Cult Mind Control)? Have you visited Steve Hassan's website (www.freedomofmind.com)? Don't play by the WTBTS rules!! Keep trying to communicate with your family. I am no expert and would recommend that you send your father/family pictures of yourself having fun in cards and emails, and inviting your father/family to celebrations (i.e., birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, etc). I would not ask your father and family any questions about the WTBTS unless they bring them up. I will also say that if your father/family asks in a superior tone of voice "How are you doing in the World?", that you should be able to say "Fantastic. How do you feel about (something that you know bothers them about the WTBTS)?" in a sweet tone of voice.

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  ABibleStudent
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  Mad Sweeney

  Combatting Cult Mind Control is a crucial book for anyone exiting the JWs. I don't think I'd have been able to cope without it.
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  Black Sheep

  Take your time.

  Try to remember ever tool the WT ever gave your family to ID apostates and opposers.

  Don't trip any of those alarms when you write.

  Preferably, don't discuss religion at all, especially doctrine.

  Asking questions might be ok, but don't toss them all in at once. Less is more.

  If the thing that bothers you the most is shunning, ask your question/s on that. Don't quote anything that he is unlikely to already have on his bookshelf or WTCD, or doesn't already know.

  If you have ever heard him bash another religion, or church goer, for something he is doing, or not, to you, you could bring that up.

  Be gentle.

  At this point, maybe just try to establish communications, rather than try to get him to justify himself. It is frustrating trying to have intelligent conversations with the insane.
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  jwfacts

  I would recommend sending a few emails just as a normal daughter speaking to a normal father, asking how he is and containing general information about how you are. If you send an email appealing to him, he will read into it that you have already been chewed up, spat out and are back grovelling for his attention.

  If you can get decent dialogue with him, that over time you can ask the questions that you want to. On the otherhand, if he refuses to acknowledge your general emails, then I would write back that you have found life wonderful, people loving, and that you are disappointed in him and the religion, as it is he that has "chewed you up and spat you out".