(Web site)
http://12.239.160.144/elsewhere/UsedDeity.htm
For Sale - 1 (one) used deity
I have been notified that I am in possession of a deity. As I have no use for such a device I wish to sell it:
Answers to "God", "Jesus", "Jehovah", "Yahweh", "LORD", "Adonai", "Eloi", and "Allah".
Documented age: Approximately 2500 years. (Note: Deity claims to be eternal and without beginning or end. Has refused to provide evidence supporting this despite repeated requests.)
Claims to have "created the heavens and the earth"! Something for you to brag about to your friends! Also claims to have created all of humanity with nothing but dirt! WOW! (Note: Deity may be a hermaphrodite as it claims both men and women were created in its image.)
Only admitted mistake to date: Galileo was right, the Earth goes around the sun. Admitted through Pope Pious XII in 1957.
Possibly one son, will not confirm or deny relations with mother (this has caused some controversy. New owner takes responsibility for all costs of any future paternity suits). My personal opinion on the matter is that the son does not belong to the deity as the deity looks down on and discourages sexual relations and non-intercourse reproduction.
Aptitudes: war, political influence, pestilence, and plague. Especially effective for politicians and large corporations -- can easily convince the masses to accept or buy anything. Also able to smite and make loud thunderous noises (Occasionally sets fire to bushes). Very good at parties! Witness reports indicate it can turn water into booze! WOW!
NOTE:
* Buyer responsible for locating and transporting deity. This should be very easy as the deity claims to be "Omni-Present".
* Original owner will not be held responsible for any burns (to self, carpet, or upholstery) from fire and/or brimstone which may or may not accompany deity (Witness reports vary regarding literal meaning of "fire and brimstone").
* Has been diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder (Occasionally claims to be as many as three persons in one... witness reports vary).
* Though this deity has made many claims of accomplishments and authority, it has as of yet refused to provide any evidence to support such claims despite repeated requests. Humans claiming to be acting under its authority have been known to commit atrocities.
* This deity has exhibited signs of Manic Depressive Disorder and mood swings... one moment it is happy and loving everyone, the next moment it is threatening eternal damnation with fire and brimstone (Witness reports vary regarding literal meaning of "fire and brimstone").
* Made unsuccessful attempts to boycott Johnson Wax and Disney. This may be indicative of future behavior.
* Deity contains many holes despite its many claims to be "perfect".
* Also has refused to provide a frame of reference with which to define "perfection".
* Tends to condemn certain people and acts despite claims of having created everything perfectly. Try’s to explain this away by saying it can do anything it wants followed by a threat of eternal damnation.
WARNING!
This deity has been known to compel followers to commit genocide, suicide and a variety of other violations of Human Rights including but not limited to torture, human sacrifice, rape and the attempted elimination of non-conformist groups: "Pagans", "Witches", "infidels", and "heretics" as it calls them (despite claims of benevolence). Under no circumstances attempt to relay a message for it as its followers tend to burn those that do! Reports of excessive jealousy have also been conveyed to me. Has been know to induce fear, ignorance, insolence, emotional dependence, inconsistency, hypocrisy, abstinence and eternal punishment. Insists on blind obedience under threat of life and liberty despite claims that it leads the free world.
Asking Price: (Negotiable... make an offer. If no offer is made for the deity, I will leave it at a local Good-Will store.)
Send offers to Elsewhere: [email protected]
Religion Stops a Thinking Mind!
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