Rescuing Our Children: An Exercise

by headisspinning 6 Replies latest jw friends

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  headisspinning

  My husband and I both have two older children living with our ex spouses - all four have been fully indoctrinated and 3 of the 4 are showing no signs of wavering.

  We both want our children to leave the cult as soon as possible but we feel very limited and even powerless to help them.

  We are both trying to deprogram ourselves and waves of terror and guilt still wash over both of us although it is getting better with time and distance.

  But we sometimes wonder if we could be doing more to rescue the kids.

  So, as an exercise to help us get our minds around what we can do to help (even little things) we have a new way we are trying to look at the situation. I will try to explain:

  Basically, instead of thinking in terms of 'religion' we are likening the situation to a family that has decided to eat an alternative diet that centres around complex supplements that we were both raised on and told would allow us to live forever. Because of circumstances in life we both ran out of the diet/supplements and suffered terrible withdrawal symptoms... but now, we are waking up and realizing that we were actually being poisoned!

  Now we are fully awake and see that our families and most important our children are stupified under the effects of this diet/supplements and no matter how much we shake them or try to warn them, the ONLY way to get them off this poison is to somehow interfere with the supply. No amount of reasoning with them will work - they still firmly believe they are going to live forever and we are going to die because we stopped the diet/supplements.

  So the big question now is - if this was just a matter of a diet/supplements and religion was not a factor, what would a good parent do? Would a good parent just go along with things and hope that someday, somehow the kids might realize? Or would we switch into emergency mode and do anything in our power to stop our kids from being poisoned?

  Like I said, this is just an exercise that we are in the process of working through so we don't know the answers just yet... but we are finding it helpful and maybe some of you will find it useful as well.

  :) HIS
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  jamiebowers

  How old are the kids? Is there a chance of getting custody? Have you determined how much of their faithfulness to the Watch Tower is true belief, and how much of it is due to resentment of your divorces and remarriage?
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  headisspinning

  My kids are 9 and 15 and the 15 year old has left although his father makes him attend meetings.

  My husband's kids are 10 and almost 16.

  I have 50/50 custody but have always allowed the kids to make decisions. This includes religion and they have know that always. But my ex has a house and I only have a small apartment.

  My husband was blackmailed into giving up custody.

  My son (who is 15) stays with his JW dad because they play video games together and they are within walking distance to the school.

  My daughter lives there because her JW dad has promised her the entire top floor of the house with ensuite bath... and scared the life out of her that if she lives here she might die at Armaggedon.

  My husband's kids are fully, hardcore indoctrinated. He was Congregation Coordinator and indoctrinated them like nobody's business. On top of that, his ex wife has manipulated them beyond belief with the full backing of the elders and Bethel.

  My kids have adjusted to the divorce and remarriage because they have been allowed to adjust naturally. His kids have been ruined.
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  Scully

  When you are talking about a real poison, certain poisons can be ingested in very small quantities and have very minor effects. Cumulative and long-term effects are another thing... take lead poisoning, for instance, or asbestos in a building.

  The fact remains, however, that it is illegal and immoral to knowingly poison someone, or to know that someone is being poisoned by another party and to not do anything to stop or prevent further poisoning. Even when a person voluntarily "drinks the kool-aid", and is of an age to understand the consequences of it, it would be highly unethical for someone who is duty-bound (like a parent) to protect that individual to ignore such a serious act of self-destruction.

  So, what do you do? If you go into "rescue mode", you run the risk of frightening the children into doing exactly what your ex spouse wants. He's probably already primed them to watch for Apostate™ talk and behaviour, and to report back to him. So you have to prove to the kids that you aren't the raving lunatic Apostate™ that he's told them to expect.

  Help the kids to keep their options open. Try to get them involved with extra-curricular activities at school, like band, sports, the school newspaper, "reading buddies" with the younger children; things that aren't going to raise a lot of red flags, things that will help them socialize with non-JW kids and form some non-JW friendships. Let them participate in field trips. While my parents didn't want us to sing the National Anthem at assemblies, if we were practicing the melody in music class, my parents expected us to participate, and we had to know the lyrics too - same thing with holiday music - it was part of our education, not part of the celebration/observance. [The other thing was they figured, so soon after 1975, that we were sure to be arrested any day now, so if we could play that music and know the words to those songs, we might not get thrown in jail! LOL]

  Children in their teens are still in the midst of brain development, too - that's why more abstract concepts are introduced in the higher grades, including the skill of critical thinking. If your kids have to do a project on current political situations, have them examine the issues under debate, and get them to do some fact-checking on the news stories before they take sides in the debate. Get them to think about things that appeal to young people - like animal rights, women's rights, civil rights, and so on. Talk to them about social injustice in the world around them - a good example is how women are devalued in 3rd world countries. At some point, a light bulb will go on in their own heads, about how the WTS devalues women too. Use examples from other cults (like the FLDS) that treats women like chattel, and ask them what makes that belief system a cult. They'll make the connection without you ever attacking the WTS.

  This is something that can take many, many patient discussions. It might be a good idea to develop a kind of outline of the sorts of topics that your kids might be interested in, with some pertinent facts. You'll have to do homework when they aren't with you, to be prepared for a rational and reasonable discussion that allows them the opportunity to express themselves while you lead the topic of conversation.

  It will make for a much better outcome for the children if you help them to gradually come to their own conclusion, than if you try to ram it down their throats in "emergency mode".
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  00DAD

  bookmarking
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  sizemik

  HIS . . . have you read Steve Hassans books?

  Black sheep also repeatedly recommends this one . . . it's available on-line. Although I haven't read it personally yet, I trust his judgement.

  Knowledge is power . . . and never more so than with your situation. Any of the critical do's and don'ts will give you a huge advantage.
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  headisspinning

  Thank you...

  Scully: I have my daughter here this weekend and I am going to try to apply what you suggested. I know that she wants to work with animals or be a teacher, so I am really going to be encouraging about both of those things because either way, she will have to go to university.

  And Sizemik, I am going to order that book right now.

  Many thanks.

  HIS