I think I'm in trouble.

LoneWolf

Hi, Peeplezs!

My little freckle-faced gal sent this to me this mawnin'. I think I'm in trouble.

Tom

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.....

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. something always more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush and said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And that's how the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale And that's how the fight started......

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started...

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

punkofnice

My mother in law said : 'I'm going to dance on your grave when you die!'

I said : 'That's good. I'm being buried at sea!'

Six blokes were beating my mother in law up when my wife asked: 'Aren't you going to help?'

I replied: 'Nah. Six should be enough!'

N.drew

Maybe she wants to fight? As her if she might want to wrestle or wrap up some boxing gloves and give them to her.

Who wrote the last sentence? "start everyday off with a smile..."

ziddina

AW crap!!!

The first thing I thought, when I read the title of the thread, was "Who in the heck has LoneWolf gotten preggers????"

This was much better!!!

cuckoo in the nest

Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.
“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies.
“Put them back, we can't afford them” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife. Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.”
He never knew what hit him.

red21

An older woman tells her husband that she wants a boob job. The husband replies, "then go get some toilet paper and wipe it on your boobs every day and they will get bigger". The wife, bewildered asks why he thinks that will work? "Because" the husband replies, "you have been wipping toilet paper on your a$$ for 30 years and look how big it is".

LoneWolf

LOL!!!

Thar's sum good ones there!

N.drew -- Don't know. I liked it's twist on the usual though, so I left it on!

punkofnice

If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.

I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so…retired mermaids.

Incredible to think isn’t it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don’t like that.

I’m very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, ‘how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbours’. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.

Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, “Gday Gday how you doing no worries next”.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard – after that he went downhill very quickly.

I think I'm in trouble.

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