I have come to the realization that ultimately, even if we have a support system, we end up in the final analysis facing all of our challenges alone. God and/or our spirit guides and angels may be there, but how would most of us know? Few are the ones who experience direct contact with the spirit realm. And as anyone will tell you, your helpers (human or spirit) won't live your life for you. As adults, we are ultimately responsible for our own fates. We can borrow energy and intelligence from here or there (never knowing for sure if it can be trusted), but as long as we are assumed to be competent, we are the ones who make the big decisions and take the brunt of implementing them - and most of us wouldn't have it any other way.
The time may come, though, when we look at what a mess we have made of our lives (and how we have contributed to others' doing the same), and we feel like giving up, throwing in the towel - given that we can't start over, and we usually can't undo the consequences of bad decisions (whether those decisions arose from bad motives or not, and I think most of us consistently do the best we can with whatever we have to work with).
My problems have mounted to the point that I just don't feel that I can handle them anymore. I'd like to have the luxury of having a long cry in the arms of a lover or friend; but my lover is 1,000 miles away, and I am no longer sure to what extent she is really my friend, because I lately I have been finding it easier to share my feelings with other people, who are more available, don't get irritated with me as easily, and are actually willing to listen to my characteristic complaints. That seems to be a large part of the problem. When someone knows you too well, they tend to have less patience with the less pleasant aspects of your self. And unfortunately, my girlfriend thinks that one can ALWAYS get one's feelings under control - although I know of a few times when she has been out of control, and surely appreciated the kind of emotoinal support that doesn't seem to be forthcoming from her toward me right now.
What is it about becoming lovers that can ruin the most beautiful friendship? I am beginning to think that I should spend the rest of my life in celibacy. I want a woman in my life, and I want a real family. But maybe I blew my one chance at family life, and shouldn't try again. I am getting too old for that sort of thing, anyway, but currently I am in love with a younger woman who already has children.
So let's be clear about this: The Borg is not to blame. My ex-wife (my worst enemy) is not to blame. I am solely responsible for my plight. Frankly, that makes me a miserable failure. It makes it hard to live with myself, inside my skin, enduring the difficulties I have brought on myself.
Thrity-plus years in the Borg, trying to learn to think in the twisted, legalistic, and very unrealistic ways that they promote, did me an enormous amount of harm. It set me up emotionally for self-sabotage and very nearly self-destruction, and it prevented me from following my heart when my heart was right, and from following my mind when my mind was right, Instead, I "trusted in Jehovah" by listening to their bullcrap, which led me down the garden path to my own destruction in this life. Actually, it led me to build a life that was wrong for me, that did not nurture my true self, and then to destroy that life and put myself in a position of virtually no freedom, with what sure looks like little hope of ever realizing my true dreams. And for 30+ years, I was unable to figure out what those dreams were, because they conflicted with "theocracy," and that was something I couldn't accept, so I suppressed them.
I hope to use a form of hypnotherapy to clear away the garbage thoughts and feelings that clutter my soul, so that I can know exactly what I want (something I'm pretty certain of already, actually) and then plot and execute a strategy for getting it ... even if the path takes 10 or 20 years to traverse. Hmmm, I wonder how mnay people emabrk on new careers in their late 60s, which will be my age if the process takes 20 years. But I would rather be 68 and doing the work I love and was born to do, than 68 and retired from an unsatisfying life as a Borg drone, and in a career that sapped and gradually crushed the essence of my soul.
Or is that all meaningless drivel, mere words of no consequence or account? I have so often felt hopeless in my life, as if I could never attain reasonable goals. And then, when I attained certain goals, after a few years I found myself very unsatisfied again - as if my goals had been the wrong ones for me. I believe that has truly been the case, and if I hadn't had Borgism constantly frigging with my mind, I might have made better choices and pursued more satisfying goals.
But I don't know, maybe I just have poor judgment, always have had it, and may likely have it until I die. If poor judgment is my problem, then is there a cure for it? Whence arises poor judgment, when we are of above-average intelligence and reasoning ability? I know that I am smart in some ways, and have tried to use that to my advantage, but being so very very stupid in other ways seems to have more than compensated. It has made it impossible for being smart to do me or those around me very much (or any?) permanent good.
Thanks for listening, or reading. If I said these things to my loved one, I would just get a lecture, or an expression of disgust - although (or maybe because) she knows the details of all of this very well. Saying them to anyone who is not in a position to provide real help with changing things significantly (and I don't know who would be) seems unproductive anyway, but I like to write and maybe it will be therapeutic somehow.
Love and regards,
George
I would rather live in a world where my life is surrounded by mystery
than live in a world so small that my mind could comprehend it.
- Harry Emerson Fosdick