...And I forgot to post about it here. I just wasn't up to talking about my life for awhile. I'm still not going to, at least not as I once did. People who I wanted to tell, I tried to write or call you to tell you about stuff. Speaking of which, elderelite, did you change your number or something? I've called you a couple of times but nobody picked up... PM me if you still want to catch up sometime. Got news for you.
So anyway, this was back in September. I was getting ready for a family outing, when there's a knock at the door, and my wife opens it. I hear that voice that floods my innards with both fear and rage simultaneously--the voice of the chairman of my judicial committee. "What the heck is he doing here?" I thought. I figure they're just coming to pay a friendly visit to the Mrs. to see how she's doing, as she's kind of at the bottom of the barrel from the theocratic standpoint--irregular at meetings, not very zealous in the ministry, oh, and married to me, a wicked apostate who has rejected spiritual light. So...obviously she'd need encouragement.
She comes up the stairs and says to me, "The elders are here to see you." Why would they be coming to see me? Didn't our business conclude in March 2010? As is my nature, when fear and anger usually combine, with fear typically either winning out or at least restraining the anger enough that guilt prevents the worst of me from coming out. I take a deep breath and go down the stairs to see them.
"We're just here because we like to visit disfellowshipped ones to see if they want to return to Jehovah's organization," the chairman says. He and the other elder--who was not on my committee--both look as though they're fully expecting me to show them the door, rather hesitant to sit down without asking permission and all. The funny thing for me was, I've been out for so long that I forgot there are actually people who talk this way for real and actually believe what they're saying.
So we have a little sit down. They ask me if I know the procedures for one who wants to be reinstated. "It's right there in the 'od' [Organized To Do Jehovah's Will] book," I replied. "It's not rocket science." I explain to them, quite calmly, that I simply don't believe all that is taught there at the Kingdom Hall, and since I know there's no room for that sort of thing, what's the point?
They asked me why I hadn't been to the meetings. I told them that I found the judicial committee to be a rather disturbing side of the organization that I had never seen before, and it had soured me on the entire concept. They explained to me that "Jehovah has standards" and that this discipline was for my benefit, something like that, I forget, and I needed to accept it and get on with, I guess, resuming my slavery to the Society or whatever.
I asked them, "Are you here because you actually care, or because this is what you're supposed to be doing?" In typical fashion, the chairman's response was, "Well, we care about all mankind." Translation: we care about you about as much as we care about the neighborhood rapist. Nice way to answer the question without actually answering it. The other elder asked me why I would ask that question. Did I think they were putting up some sort of front? "Well, I can't read minds," I offered sheepishly, with a smile that belied my internal struggle to resist the violent fantasies playing out in my head.
"So how's life been treating you?" the chairman asked. "Eh," I replied with an ambivalent shrug. The chairman took that to mean that my life was in bad shape, which he attributed to a fulfillment of what happens when you ignore Bible principles. The whole 'there's nothing out there' thing. I couldn't let that fly. I said to him, "There hasn't been any more good or evil that wouldn't have happened anyway. I'm not a fornicator or an idolater or anything like that. I just go to work and take care of my family."
His response was that I should be looking after my family's spiritual needs as well. He had a talent for using my family as a tool of manipulation to get me to bow down to the company line. It never worked. I think I have been to two meetings this year, you never know--I might just realize the error of my ways. [sd-7 chuckles]
The main problem here, however, is that the Watchtower Society routinely engages in dishonesty and teaches its members to lie about its beliefs and history unconsciously. How would I be looking after my family's spiritual needs if I supported them being in that sort of environment? That's to say nothing of the medical issues. My wife and I, who did of course reunite several months ago, are expecting a sequel to sd-7, we might even dare call him little sd-8, quite soon. So depending on how that goes, there may be some conflict over the blood issue. I hope not.
Problem with that situation is, I'm not sure if putting me in charge of medical decisions for her would be wise. Every incident for the past two years might make it look like I want her to refuse blood in the hopes that she'll die on the table; I would imagine the police and courts might find that less than agreeable. My personal view is that it's not right for me to impose my moral view onto her life. The decision for treatment should be between the doctor and the patient. I would personally prefer to save her by any means necessary if it came to that. But if she was willing to throw me under the bus for her beliefs, well, I assume that means she is willing to stick by them in the face of death, as well. Sounds fair to me, strange as that may seem.
Anyway, I do wonder if the elders will return in March. I might like to have a friendly chat with them about the two-part series on Jerusalem's destruction next time. Might be fun.
Fact is, even though they're just men, I think I was still just as scared as I was at my judicial committee. I'm not good at standing up for myself, even after all this time. It's a shame. But let's not get back into that discussion.
Oh, and...kurtbethel, remember that post you made at the beginning of my time here on JWN? You were right, pal. You were right.
--sd-7