Raised as a JW, my parents were strict. They never _____ and I couldn't ______ was their answer for everything. In fact, the other JW teens I knew . . . well, some of them were purely rotten. Speeding, carrying handguns, brandishing hand guns, sex, drinking, marijuana, hotel rooms, etc. Oh, and those were the pioneer/elder's kids! Double life.
Now, that I am not raising my kids as a JW, the door is open as to "how" to parent. Since I have one reaching teenager years . . . and I am getting to know the "worldly" kids in the neighborhood . . . . the older ones are not the greatest....
So, how do you parent a teenager? I have absolutely NO roadmap of what to do and what not to do. If I screw it up, I feel my JW family will be waiting to laugh their arse off. I will remind them of the bad JW kids..... More importantly, want to try to get these teenaged years right.
I am just starting on reading some books. The first one is "How to Speak Teenage, a Parent's Guide to Becoming Bi-Lingual" There is a section that says that teenagers love to live a double life - to control what information their parents have about their personal lives. The psychologist/author recommends asking "indirect" questions some of the time . . . "I bet you glad that test is over" (rather then, "How was the test?), "Would you recommend that movie? (rather then, "How was your date?"). This is to elicit convesation. OK, I can see where that would work.
But, then I got to the chapter on texting. Teenagers have their own language. Texting is how they hook up, coordinate drug use, post sexy pictures, etc. Texts - a parent will not be able to decipher.
8 = marijuana
?^ = hook up = casual sex
POS = parent over shoulder
P911 = parent emergency
KPC = Keep parent clueless
... the list goes on & on. There are internet sites that help explain this newly developing language. There are symbols for oral, anal, and all sorts of sex acts . . . as well as drugs.
The psychologists are recommending that parents be upfront with the teenagers over rules. Have the kids develop rules & consequences. The author thinks the kids will come up with harsher consequences and the list will be pretty similar. The rules have to be super specific. Clean room by 5:00 on Friday...clean means, "XXXX" No computer in room, no texting or cell phone use after 8:30 p.m., no sexting, only 1 FAcebook account, parents reserve the right to randomly check text/computer messages.... Well, the cell phone carriers will give the paying party a complete list of a covered cell phone's texts! Didn't know that. If the teenager knows he is being watched, he will not post bad things.... About the only "private" thing a teenager is allowed to have is a diary. The reason is safety, a diary can't be checked by employers, colleges, etc. So, this is what the psychologists are recommending for "good" kids. For bad kids, the rules get super strict. Drug problems means random room checks (with teen present) and a complete accounting for all monies spent. Apparently, kids on drugs will sneak money for their habit.
The authors recommend not being scarcastic with teenagers. "Fine, just play computer games all night and forget about your homework" says a parent. Teenagers hear it like it is! Teenagers can dish out scarcasm, but don't understand it/selectively hear it when directed at them. "But dad, you said I could play computer games all night..."
When it comes to sex, the authors recommend NOT being conflicting. They say it's very bad to say, "I hope you don't have sex until you are ______, but if you do before that come see me and we'll get you on BC" That means, the teenager has to come to the parent and risk being ashamed for not living up to the parent's expectations. In reality, she will most likely have unprotected sex. Better to just say, "Before you start to have sex, I will take you to the doctor so you can discuss your birth control options with the doctor.."
I am only at the first 50 pages!
Anyone else survive being a parent of a teenager? Any other books to read? What do you think of the above advice?
Skeeter