Help with talking to JWs in the family

by bblightnin 8 Replies latest jw friends

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  bblightnin

  I have never been a JW. My dad was an Anglican clergyman, so was my grandfather and my uncle. My older brother is a clergyman. I am a Lay Reader at my local church, which means I lead services from time to time and help to lead the church. I married my wife about ten years before her parents and sisters became JWs after doing book studies with them. I remember doing some research into the Watchtower Society, its origins, history and teaching at the time. Once I felt I had a grasp on the situation I showed some literature on the 'false prophecies' concerning the end time dates to my father-in-law. I hoped this would get him to question the things he had been told. He was always a bit on the 'stubborn' side I guess, and his response was, 'If you had shown me this a year ago it would heve made a difference, but not now.'

  Since then my wife and I have learnt to live with it. My father-in-law died around ten years ago and we never talk to my mother-in-law or my wife's sisters about their beliefs; it just seems easier to let things lie.

  However, when I found this site I wondered whether some of you guys mught give me some advice on how to deal with this situation. I would dearly love to talk to the in-laws about the way they have been misled, but I don't want to ruin our relationship.

  I'll leave it at that for now, but I'm happy to give any further info to anyone who has recent experience of being a JW, especially if you have found faith in Jesus without the teachings of the Watchtower.
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  ABibleStudent

  Welcome to the forum bblightnin and I am sorry that you have very few options with freeing your wife's family from the WTBTS. The first thing is do not discuss doctrine with JWs. Invite your wife's family to go on outings with you and email/mail them pictures of you and your wife having a wonderful time as family. I would recommend that you read Steve Hassan's books (i.e., "Combatting Cult Mind Control" and "Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves"), to visit Steve Hassan's website www.freedomofmind.com, visit www.freeminds.org, and read other authors that write about how to communicate with members of cults. The WTBTS is a dangerous cult so if your wife's family is indoctrinated into it, then will need to change how you communicate with them. If you would like to find out if your wife's family has doubts, ask them simple questions and see how they respond. I would recommend asking them, "Why do you look so tired?" to see if they may have doubts with WTBTS doctrines. Many JWs are under a lot of stress so that is an easy question to ask.

  Your other options are to educate people, news organizations, and politicians in your area about the WTBTS being a dangerous cult. The WTBTS preys on uneducated people (i.e., people who do not understand the Bible) or people who are depressed. If more people learn the thought reform techniques that the WTBTS uses, then fewer people will join the WTBTS.

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  Robert
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  InterestedOne

  Hi bblightnin, I agree with ABibleStudent about discussing doctrine. Here is a thread where I asked an experienced poster here why he often says not to discuss doctrine:

  http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/watchtower/beliefs/219282/1/LeavingWT-Why-Never-Discuss-Doctrine
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  Quandry

  Welcome to the forum.

  I remember a place where I worked had a poster on the wall with a circle. Inside the circle were the words, "BANG HEAD HERE."

  If you wish to see what it is like to do that, have a one-sided and frustrating conversation with them. Didn't you get a clue from your father in law's statement?
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  diamondiiz

  Hello, they would want to know the truth which is where the problem lies for most witnesses. Most rather have an idea of living forever than wanting the truth. But if you want, you can get them to read Crisis of Conscience. If they are willing to read it, that's the best book for witnesses to read who want the truth and haven't done any research on watchtower of their own.

  If they are happy within the arrangement there is nothing you nor anyone can do or say to change their mind until they realize there is something wrong about the cult they are in. Different things affect different people it's similar to the idea of people being recruited into the cult.
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  undercover

  Since then my wife and I have learnt to live with it. My father-in-law died around ten years ago and we never talk to my mother-in-law or my wife's sisters about their beliefs; it just seems easier to let things lie.

  However, when I found this site I wondered whether some of you guys mught give me some advice on how to deal with this situation. I would dearly love to talk to the in-laws about the way they have been misled, but I don't want to ruin our relationship.

  You've already solved the situation. If you don't want to ruin the relationship, it's easier to let things lie.

  Yes, you know and I know that the JW belief system is bogus. But to be fair, they have the freedom and right to worship as they choose...even if it is wrong. I'm sure they probably think of your faith in much the same way.

  You're not a JW, never been a JW. You don't have the issues that many ex-JWs have with shunning and family strife as a result of leaving the faith behind. Since you're not, nor never have been, you can associate with you JW family on a fairly normal basis, minus holidays, birthdays and a few other odds and ends.

  I would just accept them as is. As long as they don't try to convert you, don't try to convert them.

  But for general knowledge, I'll say this: anytime you want to try to show a JW the error of the Watchtower Society, the direct approach will fail. They are trained, indoctrinated, to shut out all negative talk of the WT/JWs. If you feel the need to try to open their mind, you'll have to do it in bits and pieces. Questions that create conundrums or paradoxes. Little hints or comments that might hopefully stick in their brain for later thought.

  Only when a JW questions or doubts on their own can one lead them to the evidence against the WTS. But as long as they want to believe, they're going to believe.
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  Qcmbr

  As a believer you have sacrificed a lot of the ground upon which to challenge JW thinking. Just let it lie imo otherwise you'll cause a family rift, get painted as the divisive one, reinforce their flight or fight response to you and in all likelehood they'll 'win' any bible based discussion you attempt. Just live the best life you can and then at least you'll show them that not all non-JWs are unhappy souls needing the Witnesses tlc (bluergh!)
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  Black Sheep

  Hi bblightnin. Welcome to the forum

  I would dearly love to talk to the in-laws about the way they have been misled

  That will automatically shut down the conversation. They are trained to not listen to 'opposers'.

  They are taught that they are teachers and that they are the only church that can offer you any hope of salvation, so you can use that to ask them questions, but you still have to be careful not to scare them off.

  It's not just a matter of providing them with information. It's a psychological game in which you have to understand all of the tricks they use to protect themselves from you in order to have any hope of extracting them. Also, you are wanting to play a doubly difficult game. It's hard enough try to get through to them that they have been scammed by their church, without the added difficulty of trying to recruit them into another church they have been taught is controlled by Satan.

  but I don't want to ruin our relationship.

  If they start seeing you as a threat to their salvation they'll dive for cover.

  Good luck

  Chris
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  bblightnin

  I just want to thank all of you for your helpful input. Thanks for taking the time to help someone you don't even know - you are all amazing! In the light of what you have said I am going to play it very carefully.

  I now have another difficulty: Betty, my mother-in-law is now elderly and one of my wife's sisters, who is in her 40s has the educational age of a child. She lives with Betty, but when Betty dies she will need somewhere smaller to live, maybe sheltered accommodation, and to be near a relative who can keep an eye on her bills and so on. Betty asked me to be the executor of her estate and I am named as such in her will. We had intended to use some of the money from the estate to ensure that my sister-in-law is safe and looked after when the time comes, and we had thought of finding somewhere close to us in Sheffield. This was perfectly ok with my sister-in-law, but recently Betty has been saying that her daughter must continue to live in the area where her JW friends are. I suspect that she has discussed this with the JW elders or whatever they are and they have swayed her view. My sister-in-law would be open to any persuasion by the JWs to do anythingthey wanted in terms of door-knocking and helping to raise sympathy for their beliefs. This worries us greatly. From what you have said so far, I think the best thing would be to wait until Betty has died and deal with it then. I just hope that Betty doesn't try to change her will in any way to force her daughter to remain in the area after she has gone.

  If you have any further advice I would be grateful, though it is great just vto be able to share these things with people who know what it's like from the inside so to speak.

  Thanks once again for all your kind help.