my goal in life.........

by flower 9 Replies latest jw friends

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  flower

  i dont know if this is good or bad and i'm intersted in opinion, comments ect.

  my one and only real goal in life is to make sure my kid is happy all the time. i dont mean literally every second cause thats not possible but i mean from now until hes an adult i want him to have everything that i didnt. i dont ever want him to feel unloved or alone or invisible. i dont want him to ever feel like he doesnt belong or doesnt have friends. i want him surrounded by friends and family. i want him to enjoy multitudes of whatever activities make him happy. i want him to never feel sad or lonely about life. even if hes sad or lonely on a particular day. so thats basically what i live for now to make sure that he has everything he needs to be happy and healthy. i wont stand for anyone hurting my kid emotionally or in any other way, thats why one day soon we'll be saying bye bye to the dub family and their conditional love forever or until they come out. they'll never get their grubby claws in my kids head and screw him like they did me.

  so anyway thats what i know my goal is and i cant help it thats just the way i is but i'm wondering if its a good thing. is it impossible? is it realistic? i mean thats what every parent wants i know but i really mean it. i'll do anything to make sure he never feels any of the things i felt as a kid. but am i setting myself up for failure?

  i do think that the key to succeeding is obtaining my own happiness first. as the plaque on our bathroom wall used to read 'if momma aint happy, aint nobody happy'. i know i cant do it in my current state so i am trying to learn to like myself and figure out who i am and what parts of me i want to keep and what i feel is the jw me that i want to discard. i think this will be the hardest part of reaching my goal..liking myself and being happy.

  after all, kicking someones ass for hurting my baby is easy

  just wondering if any parents out there felt similar...am i going through another phase or has anyone got the same goal?

  flower
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  Naeblis

  My kids are gonna work like donkeys! hah! Get daddy a beer darling. That's my girl ;)
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  refiners fire

  I think the same thing myself.
  "My boys not gonna have any hangups...hes gonna be happy".
  My sons only 11, so I dont yet know what will happen when the teen years hit. Maybe he'll grow up to hate me.
  I allow him to hold whatever opinions he wants on all subjects and think Im heading in the right direction.

  But flower, theres one thing that concerns me.
  What about...YOU.
  Dont you want a life for yourself? Aims? Things you want for you?
  You should do something about getting some happiness for yourself.
  Be selfish a little.
  Id be concerned about purely living thru my child. Disappointment often results, clinginess, desperation.
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  blindfool

  It seems to me that you are very sincere in your goals.
  My goals as far as raising my children has always been about trying to help them become responsable adults, capable of making their own desicions and mistakes.
  I don't think I can save them from being unhappy sometimes, but I try to make sure they realize that failing is sometimes a part of growing.
  I remember a song a group of young people sang in our church when I was growing up. The chorus said something like "flowers need rain to make them grow."
  In my opinion, children need guidance and sometimes lessons in disapline, but most they need their parents love, support and time.
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  Beck_Melbourne

  Yeah I felt like that Flower....wanting my kids to have a 'normal' life...not like mine with unreasonable rules and conditional love etc.

  The whole thing with raising kids is finding a balance (I read that in a WT somewhere lol)...seriously...we all need to find a balance with our kids once we are on the outside. It is so easy to go over board and let them have TOO much freedom...but then again we don't want them having those unreasonable restraints either.

  I have struggled to find that balance over the last couple of years...but I'm happy with where I am at the moment where my kids are concerned. They know that I love them no matter what...and they love me back...no matter what. I believe I have become a better mother since leaving the borg...and like you RF...I don't want them to have any hang ups either. Therefore...I have released myself of the hang ups I had...and I've set the precedent. If you're down all the time Flower....you will project this to your son. And thats why I agree with RF...that you also think about "YOU"...and find out what need to do to find some happiness. There is a lot of baggage that comes with this ex JW thing...but find a way to get over it...there's fun to be had...go out there and get you some of it :o)

  Beck
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  flower

  Yea I agree with you guys, I know I have to be happy myself or the whole plan just goes to pot.

  RF, I dont want it to be like I'm living through my son. I think an overprotecting, overly intrusive mom would not make for a happy son so letting him have his own life and space is all part of it.

  Sure, I've got some selfish things I'd like to do in life one day but they come second. Or do you think that putting him first all the time is going to spoil him? I dont know. Oh well, enough heavy thinking for now..back to the fluffy stuff.

  flower
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  Shimmer

  Flower,

  I sounded exactly like you when my son was young. He's now 12 and boy, I wished I had done some things differently. I did spoil my son and it is coming back to bite me in the ass in a big way. My son is not very independent, because I did everything for him. He thinks the world revolves around him. He's very self absorbed. I wish I would have taught him to roll with the punches more. That life is not always fair. I wish I would have taught him to be a more giving and compassionate person.

  Unfortunately it's so much easier to look back and recognize what we should have done. The best we can do is go with what feels right, it may not be perfect, but nothing in this world is.

  I do think that getting him out of the critical, holier than thou attitude at the KH is a good thing. There's very much a "we're better than everyone else" vibe. And I think that thinking rubbed off on my son. We've only recently stopped attending, so my son still has alot of JW thinking. Especially the critical, look down your nose mentality.

  It does sound like you're on the right track.

  Shimmer

  Maybe being oneself is alway an acquired taste.-----PATRICIA HAMPL
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  Scully

  flower,

  I think we all, as former JWs, want a totally different childhood for our own children than what we had ourselves. Lots of us, myself included, probably feel that we didn't really have a childhood the way our peer group did at school, and the way we want for our kids.

  Yes, I think we do have the tendency to go overboard where our kids are concerned. Not that it's a bad thing. I'll never be 10 again, but I made sure that my daughter's 10th birthday was a great party with her best friends. Giving my children things like that do a lot for me in terms of making up for feeling like my childhood was robbed from me by those buggers in Brooklyn. I try not to blame my parents, but it's not always easy. It's sometimes hard to separate the deed from the intent, and the source of the deprivation from the ones who carried it out.

  My children know that no matter what, I will always be there for them. That's the one thing I was never sure of as a child, and now that I'm "out" and my parents are still "in", I know I was right to be skeptical of their loyalty to family.

  My own goal in life, after leaving the JWs, was to make sure my kids took opportunities that I felt compelled to forego. They've had swimming lessons, skating lessons. My son plays every sport going. My daughters will be playing soccer and doing gymnastics. We go to movies. They watched me go through Nursing School and graduate with Honours; they know that they can have all the success they want to have if they work at it.

  Most important of all, they know that one mistake is not going to make me shun them or kick them out on the streets. They have the security of knowing that their parents are their biggest fans and their most vocal advocates.

  I think that kind of security is one of the best things parents can give their children.

  Love, Scully

  
  
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  mommy

  Flower,
  I was only 20 when I had Miranda, and man I became an instant MOM I gave up everything I enjoyed to become a mom 100% of the time, and made sure he had everything she wanted or needed. She was only 3 months when I got preggers with Tim man and my days were filled with "chores" with 2 of them I was so busy with them and loved every second of it. I like you had my heart set on them being the most well adjusted kids and bent over backwards so that they remained happy at all times. I loved them to pieces and often did not do things I wanted to do or buy things I didn't want to buy so they could have the cream off the top so to speak.

  When I was around 24 I was talking to a relative who was 12 or 13 at the time, and she said something that totally blew my mind and changed my perspective on life. She said, not her actual words but close...You are such a good mom, most mom's don't spend as much time with their kids as you do. But you are so young and act like you are 40 years old. You don't have any fun. It is like you don't enjoy life for yourself but you enjoy life for your kids.

  Now IMO I enjoyed life and thought I was "fun" But I had to be honest with myself and realize that I was not selfish enough. I always put my kids first, in a sense I still do. But now I realize that in order for them to be completly happy I have to be happy too. I don't know why I shared that, I guess it was one of my defining moments and to be taught that lesson by a young girl was another kicker

  You sound like you are such a good mom. And your son is first most in your life, that is wonderful! He will need that as he gets older and realizes how the rest of his JW family is. My kids are going through that now, with my JW family and it is so painful to watch them learn this lesson.

  (((((Flower))))) Take care of you
  wendy
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  flower

  Shimmer, thank you for your input and honesty. I can see my son is starting to get spoiled and thats not cool so I want to find more of a balance. Its hard though, I agree.

  Scully and Mommy..thanks your comments help a lot. Mommy, I did the same as you when I had my son. Actually for me it started when I was just pregnant. Its been like three years and I am starting to feel like I need a social life beyond taking him to see kiddie movies or to the playground. I got to go out a couple of times in recent months and really had social fun for the first time and it was great and I want to do it more often. But then I feel guilty cause I feel like I should spend that time with my son. Do you ever feel that way?

  flower