Hi! First Post/Advice On a JW Friend?

by that_girl 8 Replies latest jw experiences

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  that_girl

  Hi all! Long time lurker, first time poster. :) I'm not sure if a post this long is allowed as a first post (or if this is even in the right section), but here it goes!

  So while in high school, I became friends with a JW. Throughout high school we became fairly close, and while friends with her/being around her JW mom I ended up going to a Kingdom Hall meeting. Completely my own decision (now I'm doubting this, though) because I was just curious. She seemed happy that I went and her nor her mom ever pushed me into going to another meeting (although her mom would always get a word in of Watchtower talk whenever I was at her house). I guess it's also important to note that her mom converted when my friend was young--so while we've been friends, my friend has never been a preachy JW since she wasn't raised “in the truth,” but her mom certainly acts like she has.

  Anyway, so throughout high school we were friends and while I was attending college (still living at home) we continued to be friends. After spending 2 years at the local college, I decided to transfer to a university an hour away. The summer before this happened, we met up a couple times and hung out. I had heard her mom during her preachy moments say her thoughts about education (it not being necessary, but she was allowing her daughter to do the bare minimum because in this world it's what is needed to "survive"), but my friend had never said anything negative about me transferring and things continued on like usual. Even the last time I saw her (also the last time I had seen her mom) and talked about me moving out at my parents house/attending said university, her mom acted like it was a reasonable choice. Sidenote: this friend commutes to college from her parent's home. Other (maybe unnecessary) side note: This friend's dad is a not a JW--when my friend's mom converted, he didn't, has never wanted to, and won't.

  Anyway, I sent her a couple emails after I had left telling her how I was doing, asking her what was going on in her life, or even sent a link to a funny article and never heard ANYTHING. Sent her a some text messages, all went unanswered except for one (which she was very short about). I never ended up actually calling her because I figured that there was no reason for me to try so hard when she wasn't trying at all.
  
  So I guess what I'm asking is if this is normal and what everyone's opinion on the reason that this happened is. Is she shunning me because I went away to college? Is it possible that she thinks college has changed me into a "worldly" person and doesn't want bad association? Or is there something else Watchtower control related going on here that I'm not seeing? It's been several years since she's stopped talking to me, but the only reason I'm now really starting to wonder what really happened is because I saw her mom and sister (also a JW) at the grocery store the other day and her sister just looked at me, got her mom's attention and started talking to her, then turned away quickly.

  Advice? At the end of the day, I guess I'm happy that all of these shenanigans with my JW friend have led me here, because it led me to be a Psychology major in college, which I loved.
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  Retrovirus

  Hi and welcome, that_girl! I'm also a never-jw with some friends and family "in".

  My experience has a lot in common with yours. My ex-SIL and I were good friends and I tried to keep the relationship going after she and my brother seperated. At first I got letters with a page of family stuff and 2 pages of preaching (emails were too dangerous to her), then when I began to rebut the preaching, she sent the local jws to call on me.

  So began a so-called "Bible study"; again we made no headway. The beliefs were just extreme and no way would I follow the ridiculous question and answer method. After a few months we gave up, and since then, not a word from ex-SIL, although I wrote twice more.

  About a year ago the "study" watchtower had an outrageous article about "apostates", calling them mentally diseased, and since then the pressure has continued to keep the faithful afraid of the world and its satanic influence. Your poor friend and her mother are indoctrinated, I'm afraid.

  And congrats on your psychology major!

  Keep posting and reading; you'll learn a lot about jws here!

  All the best, Retro
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  nugget

  Jws have very narrow lives and non JWs do not feature in them. As someone gets further into the faith then they are encouraged to draw away from anyone who might be perceived to be negative influence. Behind that the organisation fills their lives with lots of activity leaving them with limited time to pursue their own interests and friendships. After a while JWs feel awkward around non JWs since they are constantly on their guard for situations that might challenge their faith, such as holiday greetings or challenging questions.

  Jws firendships are conditional on belief, if your friend has been absorbed into the faith you cease to be considered a friend a while ago. She may wake up and will need you in the future but for now she is behaving as expected.
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  Witness My Fury

  I would imagine your friend got herself baptised. This will probably have made here try and follow the cult rules more closely by shutting you out (as a non JW). Just a possibility.
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  Quandry

  Welcome, that girl.

  You may be right about the reason you haven't heard from the friend. However, just to be sure, I'd try calling, and say something like, "I wanted to call you because I have been so worried! Since I haven't heard from you I have been afraid maybe you are ill. We've been friends for so long, I can't imagine why you haven't returned my messages. Are you all right?"

  Then listen for squirming sounds as she tries to "explain."

  Witnesses are able to drop people quickly. I should know. Once I quit going to the Kingdom Hall, people I'd known for thirty years don't talk to me!
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  Broken Promises

  Taking the devil's advocate position here....

  Maybe she's outgrown your friendship?

  While her JW beliefs may have something to do with it, some times friends drift away from each other, particularly in the post-school years. She doesn't have the emotional maturity/social skills to break it gently to you, so she's been ignoring you with the hope you'll get the message. Hence her short reply to one text, but ignoring everything else.

  Don't waste your time worrying about her. Move on with your life and make new friends.
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  that_girl

  Wow, thanks for all the responses everyone!
  
  Retro: Thank you! And yeah, I'm starting to feel like once she realized I definitely wasn't interested in joining anymore she probably felt like it wasn't appropriate to talk to me.
  
  Witness MF: She had actually been baptized the whole time I knew her...I'm thinking she's more devoted to the org now than she was before, though.

  Quandry: Thanks for the advice! Wow, 30 years. That makes my 5 years of knowing her look like nothing!

  Broken Promises: True, this could be a possibility. And this has happened with a couple with my friends as we've grown older over the years. But this seems different because it went from normal friendship one month, then the next month onward absolutely no communication. Usually when I drift apart from friends, it's a gradual drifting...not just suddenly cutting off the lines of communication. And usually when I run into ex friends' parents at the store, they don't treat me like I'm the plague and we can have a friendly discussion, lol
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  outsmartthesystem

  "Is she shunning me because I went away to college? Is it possible that she thinks college has changed me into a "worldly" person and doesn't want bad association?"

  Hi and welcome! JWs are very tough to figure out. Some things are etched in stone with all JWs (i.e. you don't question the leadership....you don't talk to former members etc). Other things vary from person to person. (i.e. some will watch PG13 movies....others won't etc). One thing is certain. They are all under mind control. Their opinions and views swing dramatically based on the information handed down by the leadership. All it takes is a fiery speaker at a district convention to mention the "fact" that "worldly" people "serve Satan" instead of Jehovah.......and just like that....your friend will turn a cold shoulder to you.
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  flipper

  THAT_GIRL- Welcome to the board ! Nice to have you here ! Congratulations on getting your psychology major in college ! Good for you ! Something to be proud and thankful for.

  Your friend and JW mom are victims of a sinister, manipulative, mind controlling organization promoted by the WT society designed to control it's members through FEAR and GUILT. It sounds as if they have succeeded in doing just that to your friend and mom. The WT society instills fear into JW's by telling them that independent, critical thinking is evil and inspired by Satan the Devil- thus the WT society's policy is to discourage any higher education within any of their members. Now SOME JW's still go to college, but WT higher ups look down on it - even though some WT higer ups kids have attended college themselves. Understand there is a hypocrisy factor in the organization that the same rules that apply to rank & file Witnesses to keep them controlled- do NOT apply to WT leaders and their children, if you get my drift.

  So- Your friend and mom are just being self righteous, probably were counseled by mind controlled elders to shun you because you may influence them with your allegedly dangerous " independent thinking ". I mean- it's so ridiculous and corny of the WT society leaders to do this to people, but remember your friend and mom don't matter to WT leaders - they are just statistics who turn field service time in, that's all. WT society doesn't care about breaking up families and friendships, in fact- they thrive on it in order to conquer and divide to form alliances and robots in people. So just thought I'd give you a heads up so you see the bigger picture. It's not really personal towards you that your friend shuns you- she is just a slave, a captive herself and running scared. Maybe someday you can help her escape the JW cult. Hang in there, Peace out, Mr. Flipper