Confusion Abounds!

eyes_opened

Does anyone else out there feel like a color blind person trying to solve a Rubiks cube? LOL....That's they way I've felt for a while now!

Just had a long discussion with my mom about some of my questions. My mom too, went through what I am going through now. This happened to her about 20 years ago. After trying other religions she however made her way back to Jehovahs Witnesses, and she said that even though she knows that they aren't perfect...for her they are the closest thing out there to being Gods true orginization. She said that no other religion can make you feel the way JH's can, when you walk in to an assembly hall and see how organized and clean everything is, and how everyone is showing such love for each other. And I know the feeling she is talking about. But there are also so many other unpleasant feelings I associate with my 30 years in this religion...fear at expressing questions or differing view points, guilt for even thinking differently, not being good enough to please someones idea of the perfect publisher, etc.

So even though I feel somewhat better after speaking with my mother <for the time being anyway> I'm still so confused. This forum is very helpful though, as it is one way I can tell others the way I feel with out fear of reprisal. Thanks for listening everyone.

eyes

RedhorseWoman

Eyes,

While I can understand your mother's way of thinking (I did the same thing for years), one finally has to accept the fact that the only way to remain within the WTBTS is to ignore all of the hypocritical things you see happening around you; to rationalize "conditional love" as being the "best kind of love"; to be willing to condemn a kind, loving person simply because they choose not to be a JW. And the list goes on.

I found that I could no longer make these rationalizations. I could no longer deny the truth about the "truth". I could no longer accept flickering "new light" as coming straight from Jehovah. In short, I accepted the fact that the WTBTS runs a very successful publishing company/cult, and I decided I would rather serve God than a corporation.

ianao

I associate with my 30 years in this religion...fear at expressing questions or differing view points, guilt for even thinking differently, not being good enough to please someones idea of the perfect publisher, etc.

Well, I don't speak for God, but I would say this. If you think that doing all that you do as a JW (or else!) Is following God, then so be it. The outcome is out of yours and my hands.

IMHO, I think all of the cleanness and "organization" that your mother sees is a reflection on her mentality that to please God, you have to be a JW. My question is, how many of those people keeping the place clean and organized are not doing so out of pure love of God, but out of mortal fear of being destroyed? Does God want people to genuinely LOVE him, or genuinely FEAR him?

You know how it is... Be a good witness, please others, stay in line, rank and file, serve Jehovah well by washing those windows, distributing that literature, etc. etc. etc.

Pathofthorns

Ah yes Eyes, that "warm and fuzzy feeling". When you don't really know why, in the end that's what keeps people in and keeps them coming back. It just MUST be true.

I'm not sure exactly what causes that warm fuzzy feeling. Maybe it's just a sense of belonging to a group when you realize you don't fit in anywhere else. You become so not "normal" anymore, that you only relate with that sort of crowd. It's nice to think the same and love the same things. Even better, it's nice to hate the same things.

But it's funny that the thing that makes you feel guilty and like you can never do enough is also the same thing that makes you feel good. Until you appreciate the big picture you will just find yourself going through the cycle of getting worn out, then slowing down, then feeling guilty, then going back with "new zeal", then getting worn out and on and on..

Path

eyes_opened

Yes, the more I think about it the more I realize I cannot stand the constant tug of war with my emotions. I either have to accept that they are the "Truth", or that they aren't. And I have just seen too much over the years to live the lie that is the truth. Thanks for your input everyone.

logical

The "truth" is on this site. Look for posts by MDS and Bitter Truth. I hope you find the truth.

Pray to Jehovah, he will help you.

happytobefree

Eye opened,

I had a similar conversation with my mom. And to tell you the TRUTH, lol, I was shocked that she at once felt the same way. She gave me some encouraging JW talk as your mom did. But I went away from that conversation knowing I would never return to that created atmosphere.

I myself being involved with the JW org. for a little over 30 yrs., and realize the clean, organized environment was created. Do you remember the Kingdom Ministry before every assembly, instructing us how to clean, how to behave, how to dress, how to tip, etc.

But now that I'm free of that created environment. I have witnessed people, with that same love who are free to discuss their feelings. Just yesterday, I visited a local Baptist Church. I went to their morning services (was greeted very warmly), then after enjoying the sevices I decided to see what their Sunday School was like. My husband and children decided they did not want to attend Sunday School and I noticed alot of other families that split at this point (and no one seem to be embarassed or apologetic). The Sunday School lesson was wonderful, they were discussing Barnabus, the son of encouragement. My point is this, that many had different opinions of the lesson and expressed them well. And I did not see one person who was agitated. And then a question was directed to me, - the question being how do I think I could spread the word of the Gospel with encouragement. Being that I do not necessarily believe in Jesus in the manner in which they did. I replied as such and said I just chose to love and not spead any certain message. Can you believe some said that agreed, but they still had faith that Jesus was their savior. Anyway I left there feeling very good. I felt good because, even though they did not agree, at least they listened and acknowledged my opinion. And I KNOW this is not the attitude you would ever get from the JW.

Well that is just one example of love I have experienced outside of the org. I think we create our own experiences, when I was looking for so-called worldly people to be mean spirited, immoral, etc., those are the one I seemed to notice. But now when I look at people as people, and not worldly or christian or black/white, etc. I find just WONDERFUL, interesting and mostly loving people.

Well that's all I got to say about that for now.

Happy to be Free (Me)

Edited by - happytobefree on 22 January 2001 20:37:38

eyes_opened

Your story has given me a lot of comfort happy! It's great to know there is a life after being JWized And yes I remember the KM before the assembly hehehe, and the lessons on how our hair should be brushed and hands washed...too funny. Boy, it's a good thing they brought that up or I woulda been a reeeeeal mess hehehehe

mommy

Hey I had this conversation with my mom tooo:)
It is amazing how much our parents effect us in our lives. I think of this often as I raise my children.
Think as a small child....how do you know the sky is blue? Your parents tell you. How do you know there are good people in this world? Your parents tell you. How do you know there are bad people in this world? Your parents tell you.
Now how do we know what is Blue, Good, Bad? Well you get my point. Now as a child raised as JW you know what was ingrained in my head,WE are good THEY are bad.
Now that I am older and able to see the world as it is, sometimes the sky isn't blue, some bad people are really good, and some good people are really bad:)
Talk about CONFUSION:)
mommy

Confusion Abounds!

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