Forgive and feel better
Letting go of a grudge is good for your health!
By Jeanann Pannasch
Your sister carelessly spills red wine on your brand-new, snow-white carpet. Your boyfriend makes a pass at your best friend. A driver accidentally knocks your kid off her bike, breaking her leg.
For most of us, any one of these scenarios might be enough to fill us with frustration and rage. But while the 1970s pop psychotherapy movement focused on the importance of letting anger out, more recent research suggests that there's a smarter, healthier way to react to life's slings and arrows: with forgiveness.
Indeed, a new field of research is turning up bona fide health benefits that come along with forgiving. Experts have found that letting go of a grudge lowers heart rate and blood pressure. In a recent study, Charlotte Witvleit, Ph.D., a psychology professor at Hope College in Holland, Michigan, found that when individuals were able to forgive, they experienced greater joy, a more profound sense of control over life and less depression. Sound appealing?
Why holding a grudge can be toxic
Your boyfriend blows you off for an important date. If you stay angry at him, you'll probably get fresh flowers on your doorstep and maybe a fancy meal or two. But grudge-holding only gives us the illusion of power, says Everett L. Worthington Jr., Ph.D., executive director of A Campaign for Forgiveness Research. If you hold on to that anger on a chronic basis, then it has power over you, eating away at your peace of mind and perhaps even your immune system. A study by Kathleen Lawler, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Tennessee, confirms that people who are unable to forgive report more stress in their lives, more illness and more visits to the doctor than do forgiving folk.
Going from a grudge to forgiveness
Researchers have found that the greatest predictor of an individual's ability to bury the hatchet is personality. People who are naturally prone to being angry, fearful or overly sensitive are less likely to forgive than people with empathetic, agreeable dispositions. But everyone is capable of forgiveness; some of us just have to work harder at it. A few ways to develop your capacity to turn the other cheek:
- Try writing a daily "forgiveness" reminder in your journal; it may sound corny, but it's a great way to help gain control over your emotional life.
- Write a letter to your offender, detailing exactly what's bothering you. Then toss it. You'll feel better, even if your message never reaches its intended target.
- What, exactly, makes your blood boil? By focusing on your feelings, you're more likely to connect with your capacity to forgive.
- Give yourself time to forgive. You're trying to change your emotional habits — and that doesn't happen overnight.
There's a difference between forgiving and forgetting
Forgiveness isn't about swallowing anger or being a doormat. It's not about forgetting, either. On the contrary, it's about acknowledging a transgression with your eyes wide open — and then releasing the anger. "To really forgive, you've got to replace negative emotions with positive [ones]" — substituting anger, hurt and self-pity with love, says Dr. Worthington. Another way to think of it: "Letting go of a grudge is a way to return to the peaceful center inside you," explains Frederic Luskin, Ph.D., research fellow at the Stanford Center for Research in Disease Prevention. That means conjuring up empathy toward the person who hurt you, then focusing on the good parts of your life.
An Act of Courage
Still not convinced that it's worth it to put your energies toward forgiving? Besides the benefits to your psyche and physical health, true forgiveness is a sign of strength and soulfulness. "It takes a lot of moral muscle to forgive," says Dr. Witvliet. The bottom line: Forgiving ultimately benefits the forgiver more than the person who has done wrong. So start putting your own well being first, and live life with as much gusto and love as you can.