Part 6
The long long road.
In reflection upon the last 6 years, I'd have to say this was the longest road of my life.
It had become apparent to me I was changing. The things about the watchtower that bothered me became more and more disturbing. So much so, that rather than face these things, I buried them away, and would not talk about my "faith" like everyone else.
I became a follower, rather than the leader I once was. I indeed just
went along for the ride for many years. My time out in the "service" became less and less. My time spent working, fishing, and with the computer became more and more.
Also in the mix of all the things that disturbed me, was a failing relationship with my wife. It was more than obvious, she was not happy that I had stepped down as a m.s. With each passing day, month, and year, the respect she may have had for me dwindled away. I could feel that she didn’t respect me now at all; by the way she treated me. I felt that she was not there for me emotionally, mentally, and physically, and our relationship continued to get worse. I was humiliated on many occasions over the years. Often, it happened in front of other people, and the put downs, the derogatory comments and the general "you can't do anything right" attitude took its
toll on me. I became a mere shell of a man. My ego, my self worth, my self respect, and my emotional make, were crushed and beaten, and just when I thought I could not deal with another blow, one came, to drive me even deeper into my shell.
That and living in a home, that to be blunt and honest, was a mess. Piles of dirty laundry, dirty cat litter boxes, and piles upon piles of dirty dishes were always present. Some of those piles of laundry were there for YEARS. I'm not the type of person who minds pitching in. I never minded at all. But the more it became apparent that I was doing it all, and she was doing it less, the more disgruntled I became. I worked anywhere from 60-70 hours a week. She didn't. She was part time, and the rest of her time was spent on the couch watching QVC, HSN and the various other shopping channels became
her "hobby", often spending long nights into the wee hours of the morning watching that trash. The accumulation of stuff that went with that viewing, as she bought more and more was unbearable. To the point where it filled a 10 ft x 12 ft room, our spare bedroom. Or she was out in the "societies" recruiting work.
Although most people would say, "hey, you made your bed, now sleep in it. It wasn't that easy. There was the "if you don't like it you can leave", statements said many times over the years. Men, she thought, had ugly bodies. I was accused of being gay. I was fat. I was bald and needed a hair transplant. I could never invite the few friends I had over for fear of the verbal "spanking" I'd get, because of her embarrassment over how she kept her home. Dinner was never "on the table", but rather, in the freezer or in the fridge, "get yourself what you want, or make it yourself. " The one thing I did do, always, was my own laundry. Even before I owned my own washer and dryer, I would go to the laundry mat, car filled with laundry, mine, hers, the kids, all of it, and spend hours and hours doing it. Once
the kid’s left, I stuck to just doing my own. Lets face it; I didn't want to burden her now did I? So late at night more often than not, because of my demanding work schedule and the hour drive I had each way, I would be found doing laundry, running up and down 2 flights of stairs at anywhere from 9 pm till sometimes 2 am, and then getting up at 5 am to get ready for work again.
My health began to fail. I was always healthy, rarely sick, and never a burden in that way. It started out with a chronic back problem. Then I developed intestinal problems. Stress has a way of taking itself out on you physically. I didn't realize it at the time, but my body was crying out, for relief from the mental and emotional damage I was struggling with. I went through c.a.t. scans, m.r.i.'s and hosts of other tests, always, with no problem found. It was all "in my head". But it wasn't. What was in my head, was manifesting itself out on my physical being, and will for a long time to come I'm afraid. It will take years to "heal" from all the "stuff" I
struggled with, watchtower wise and marriage wise.
I had mention in one of the earlier parts that sex, was the last thing she was interested in.
Well. Now I'll divulge some more on that.
In August of 1997, the dealership I worked at in Bristol, Rhode Island was closing, and I still had vacation time coming. I booked the wife and I a second cruise to Bermuda. I returned home on Labor Day weekend, and that is, a marked time for me for the next 4 years.
It was the last time, we "did it". Her interest was just not there. In the end, she placed the blame on menopause, this, that, and the other thing. Everything but what really needed blaming. Herself. I couldn't force the issue. She referenced a scripture.
*** Rbi8 1 Corinthians 7:4-5 ***
5 Do not be depriving each other [of it], except by mutual consent for an appointed time, that YOU may devote time to prayer and may come together again, that Satan may not keep tempting YOU for YOUR lack of self-regulation.
And said it was okay because that's what the bible says. She also said, that I have to be "nice" to her. Guess I just wasn't doing enough, huh? I just had to be patient. Patience rose to resentment. The longer time went on, the more my resentment rose. The colder things became between us, and the more I was pushed away, the less I felt like even trying. Until I just gave up and didn't try. I just gave it up. I figured if she wanted "it" she’d come around. I didn't hold my breath waiting. I did however, for the record,
remain faithful to her. Though, I imagine most men would have not done so.
Next Part 7.
Things happen, for a reason.
***
-Zev
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