Stupid ass sayings

by butalbee 9 Replies latest social humour

butalbee

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>1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
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>2. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
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>3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
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>4. Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
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>5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
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>6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
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>7. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
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>8. Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
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>9. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
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>10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
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>11. NyQuil--The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room spinning-medicine.
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>12. God must love stupid people, he made so many.
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>13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
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>14. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
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>15. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
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>16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
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>17. MOP AND GLOW-Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
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>18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.
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>19. Procrastinate Now.
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>20. Rehab is for Quitters.
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>21. My Dog Can Lick Anyone.
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>22. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts--Do You Want Fries With That?
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>23. Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.
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>24. Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been doing since 15.
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>25. ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING.
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>26. West Virginia: One Million People and 15 Last Names.
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>27. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
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>28. MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT.
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>29. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
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>30. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
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>31. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
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>32. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
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>33. Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog
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>34. HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
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>35. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
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>36. The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
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>37. HAM AND EGGS--A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
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>38. WELCOME TO KENTUCKY- Set your watch back 20 years.
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>39. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
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>40. IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?
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>41. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
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butalbee

More fluff:
Here is YOUR DAILY MOMENT OF ZEN (Modified to reflect contemporary wisdom):
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things get worse.
ashitaka

Speaking of fluff....
The Fly
A happy, little fly was buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened
upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. Since it had been hours since her
last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the
irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. She ate... And ate...and
then .. she ate some more!!!
Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny
front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But
alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation
when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd
found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be
able to fly again. So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the
handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and
leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered
all over the floor! Dead Fly....
The moral of this sad story?
Ready?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.
butalbee

The following are reported to be actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing can be highly entertaining.
1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
7. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
8. In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
9. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
10. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
11. I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
12. As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
13. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
14. My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
15. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
16. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
17. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
18. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
19. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
20. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
21. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
22. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
ashitaka

7. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
I SPIT MY BEER ALL OVER THE PLACE WITH THIS ONE!!!
ashi
butalbee

Subject: Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked
10.) No one ever steals your chair..
9.) Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8.) Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work
drunk.
7.) People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you
keep them.

6.) You want to see if it's like the dream.
5.) To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your
blouse.
4.) "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3.) Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human
Resources

2.) Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work
on your tan.
And... drum roll... the Number One reason to go to work naked:
1.) Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here
on time!”
butalbee

See this is what happens when I look at crap I've saved on my hard drive.....a bombardment of stupidity...got plenty more to share.
BUMPER STICKERS FOR WOMEN:
1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES,
SEEKS FROG.
6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN...SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN.
11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?
12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.
13. AND YOUR POINT IS?
14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.
22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.
23. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE
BODIES.
24. SOMETIMES BEING A BITCH IS ALL A GIRL HAS TO HOLD ON TO.
one

butabee,
i like number 25, but i have a probelm with the gender,
what is your favorite number?
ashitaka

Only a General in the Marine Corps would have the gonads to use
this line:
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a
portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you
going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't
it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised
on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly
dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent
killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended
butalbee

Ashi--LOL! Very funny!!!
I love the insurance claims list. It's so silly, I read it to laugh when I'm down....Been reading it alot lately, to be honest. I like #1 on that list the best. Although the mother-in-law #7, is one of the best on that list.
I've got tons more of this. Most of them came from emails from co-workers, relatives, and um, my car insurance company(j/j).
Lara

Stupid ass sayings

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