SOmething I wrote describing how I feel

by Killa 6 Replies latest watchtower scandals

• 

  Killa

  I know that times were hard
  I know that you've been feeling' down
  If you only knew how I'm feeling'
  For you
  If I could take your pain
  I wish that I could wash it all away
  If you only knew how I’m feeling'

  I’m tired of the bullshit; I’m done with hypocrisy

  I’m tired of the monotony living the same boring life constantly

  I want to feel something that doesn’t last five minutes

  Without feeling the need to venture into some other interests

  I want to fill this void with some fucking happiness

  With a substance that doesn’t burn out too quick

  The only thing that kept me moving was hope

  Hope for something greater to come, but I’ve lost hope

  Because no matter how much I’ve accumulated; I’m still hated

  And I don’t mean you, but by me; my life I hate it!

  I feel so empty like a body without the soul

  Except my heart is still pumping, why? I don’t know

  I just want to disassociate from all this nothingness

  And replace it with living inside of your head

  And be accepted, and not live my life backwards

  And be able to converse without seeming so fucking awkward

  And be the cool kid and fit in and be loved

  Instead I’m a loser that no one even knows of

  I hate that I pity my existence

  I just want my life to have some real meaning that is persistent

  You've been running' around for so long
  You've been hurting yourself too much
  You keep messing' around with darkness
  You're the one who's losing

  I thought having money and the job I always wanted

  And having my own home and girl who truly loves me

  Would fill this void, but instead it did not

  I tried doing all the things that I always dreamed of

  But none of these ever gave me true happiness

  I constantly am looking for more; I’m such a wreck

  Because I know that the pursuit of happiness is never ending

  I wonder if it’s just me or if you too are feeling

  The same exact way and I’m just being selfish

  Perhaps you’re fronting a smile and concealing like I did

  In that case you’re probably wishing you were me

  Oh the irony; of course I’m speaking hypothetically

  I tell myself this to concentrate my thoughts on others

  Instead of thinking I’m the only person who’s feelings matter

  But honestly I failed in the process

  And every attempt to feel alive made me selfish, thus a monster

  You've been running' around for so long
  You've been hurting yourself too much
  You keep messing' around with darkness
  You're the one who's losing

  So the only thing that I can say is sorry for the pain

  Though I say it in vain; I do try to refrain

  But I’ve sunk in my loathe and disgust for myself

  And if I can’t love me, I can’t love anyone else

  And this mentality deliriously excused me for my actions

  And only with unbiased eyes I can begin to decipher

  That the only person who should have suffered was me

  Though I feel no guilt; I am truly empty

  I guess I can try without bringing you in it

  And attempt to feel alive without hurting those who are near me

  But it’s something you just couldn’t understand

  You can’t venture down the mind of a sociopath

  However, I have one thing that truly holds me back

  The memory of an innocent child who had his life hacked

  I was not born with this monstrosity

  It was forced upon me, but I can’t pass it along. You see

  At first I was confused and I couldn’t deal with it

  And I may have hurt many, but I’ve learned to refuse it

  Refuse this worthless way of living and not attack those innocent

  And be better even if I can’t honestly produce it

  From this blackened heart I was cursed to posses

  I can still try for the memory of my past persists

  And reminds me that life isn’t always so bad

  And I should respect your happiness and not envy what you have

  I know that times were hard
  I know that you've been feeling' down
  If you only knew how I'm feeling'
  For you
  If I could take your pain
  I wish that I could wash it all away
  If you only knew how I’m feeling'
• 

  Killa

  So during this time I've been speaking to a a psychologist for the last 2 weeks and umm I don't feel too much better, but I told him about this website and how I felt like in some weird way "coming out" as my true self on here gave me some sort of relief. He said that it was a great start and was very positive. I am honestly not sure what to make of myself, but he did say that it's possible that I'm not all a complete sociopath for I posses certain good feelings that many sociopaths don't posses. Perhaps I'm wired differently, but not from birth, but later on in life after having a normal life. He said that it gives me the upper hand in combating bad desires for I have 2 sides of me: one is who I was and the one who I was forced to be. My normal way of being is to act without guilt and be despicable, but the other side reminds me that life is precious and that is my battle. I had never saw it that way before and now that is my only hope. My hopes are always crushed, but I'm keeping this alive. It's an odd mixture in one person, but it is what it is. Anyways, I took your words for it and did attempt to receive help; it's a start. I honestly just don't know what is going to happen with me in the end. It's some relief to talk to someone and post on here, so I will not plague this forum with endless threads; I will just be posting on this here thread as my psychologist instructed me to.
• 

  cedars

  Killa

  Anyways, I took your words for it and did attempt to receive help; it's a start. I honestly just don't know what is going to happen with me in the end. It's some relief to talk to someone and post on here, so I will not plague this forum with endless threads; I will just be posting on this here thread as my psychologist instructed me to.

  Well done, I'm glad you're getting professional help.

  Cedars
• 

  breakfast of champions

  Awesome, so glad to hear you sought help. It takes quite a while to sort ourselves out, so be patient with yourself, we're in no rush here. It's great you found a psychologist who seems to 'get' you - that in itself is important.

  Best of luck
• 

  Killa

  Dear people of the internet,

  It's weird what I am experiencing. I wonder now if anyone has gone through the exact thing as I have -of course no story is the same. That is fine. However, I wonder still. Why? Well I want to know if that "anyone" ever pulled through. I wonder if they were able to build a conscience, truly love people and actually mean what they express and do. I've been empty and I search everywhere -even in not so favorable places- just to find a spec of life. I want to feel those goosebumps normal people feel when something emotional occurs; I want to feel those hairs on the back of the neck and arms stand up, and feel a rush of chemicals that warm the entire state of mind, body and spirits. Sometimes I can somewhat understand these feelings when I see they occur in family memebers and others and I get frustrated that I don't have the same response.

  I have a pleasant memory of many things in my childhood, but I'm angry at the fact that it was stolen from me. My innocence was stolen from me and as if it wasn't enough they stomped what little trace I had of it afterwards.

  I haven't cried in many years. Some say tears are what cleans out your system, but my water supply is empty. I can't even fake cry; it's damn near impossible. The most emotional and sentimental I get is just feeling angry when I remember my childhood being stolen from me and I feel headaches whenever my psychologists wants me to explore my past. It's not like I keep these thoughts tucked away; I am very much aware of what happened, but indulging in the feelings I felt is what makes me feel some sort of life, though no plesant. I guess it's better to feel pain than nothing at all? I doubt it Three Days Grace. I am not happier without feelings, but I'm not happy with feelings.

  At times I just makes me want to kill myself; I am not going to because I don't believe in being so pitiful. However, sometimes I fantasize on the idea of not existing. Perhaps the world would have been better off; I honestly do not care, but at least I'd know it was for the best. Sometimes I wish that my wife or anyone was in some immediate danger so I can sacrifice my life for her or them. I would be a hero; I would die with a purpose and meaning even if I was doing it selfishly, it would appear to have been done selflessly: oh the irony.

  Why do I even attempt to quiet the moster I am? What really propels me? Is it some sort of guilt, i.e., my conscience condemning me? My psychologist beleives so. Is he lying to me though? I have lied to others all my life and made my entire life out of lies already. The point is to uncover the truth. I don't want to rebuild my life again with more lies just because some fancy man with a degree.

  Holy shit! My eye just watered as I typed that.
• 

  perfect1

  Killa,

  I read all your posts when you first came here. Im glad you are seeing a therapist. They are not magicians but they do help. Maybe you should even ask the therapist if he is lying to you. why not.

  I dont think I have gone through all you have, but I remember being in a weird situation where I wanted to hurt a friend (emotionally) because I thought they just got whatever they wanted.

  Anyway I did end up hurting this person- pretty badly. When I was sitting their with this person crying their eyes out next to me and feeling basically nothing I thought, wow, this is f,ed up!

  If you can relate to that, you know what I mean. Even if you dont have much emotion, you do have thoughts. Your mind is basically big mess of neural pathways, which you can reroute and train.

  This:

  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brahmavihara

  has helped me overcome a lot of my negative attitudes towards other people.

  Maybe you are a monster, maybe you are not, how would I know.

  What I do know is that if I were still involved with JWs, I would probably be in a much worse place than you are. Take heart, stay strong, and try to imagine a good life on the outside of the cult.
• 

  tornapart

  Killa, I remember your first posts on here. I'm so very glad you are geting some professional help. What you suffered as a child has severely affected you as an adult and I don't think there is any way you can deal with it alone. It's just a tiny step but it is a step in the right direction. I really hope you carry on writing on here.