The Fall
For most of her life she honestly tried to believe and therefore studied many hours at a time....researched points, trying to find the deeper meaning....looked for the spark that give a clear soaring to the spirit. She would listen to the words, not only with her mind, but with a heart and was truly sincere in the endeavor...In the beginning she drank in each word at the gatherings of the faithful, wanting desperately to quench the intangible thirst.
In fact, she was elated if she learned something that appeared to bring her closer to the deeper things, curious to find that she still felt the outsider. Others were always way ahead of her, expressing feelings she didn't have. They said they could see the big picture...she wasn't sure if she could, but kept it to herself out of fear or maybe it was denial. She was told as long as she focused on her goal, eventually she should find clarity and be able to see through the bits of opaque that caused her confusion. But why was it so difficult to grasp? Where was that promised help she pleaded for when alone with her thoughts? It said right there, in black and white......she only needed to ask.
The help never came and with time she stopped asking and convinced herself this may be as good as it will get. She wasn't being duplicitous, although this was later insinuated. No, she was truly doing her best, talking the talk and walking the walk in every way....only, as time went on, things that didn't fit the picture, became ever more apparent. She began to discern a certain change in the rhythm of the group...as if the fine tuning wasn't right and the station was distorted. She began to ask silent questions....
Days and months and years went by, spent suppressing doubts. She assumed she could only blame herself. She thought she must be alone in her thinking and that there was something wrong with her for not being able to comprehend whatever there was she needed to grasp. Maybe, she thought, it is true that she was shallow, like her daughter said she was. She fought for depth but still didn't have the ability to see.......Her daughter's words had cut deeply and made a permanent scar.Confused, she would continue on, hoping an event would occur to bring order to the chaos within. Most of the time, she felt alone. It was strange, because she couldn't even find words to express what was going on in her head...the only clarity of thought came when she finally realized her view was as if she were standing on the outside looking in.
Occasionally though, she caught a glimmer (possibly unconscious) of bewilderment in his eyes too. Almost as if he was becoming weary, seeing there was something incoherent and inconsistent going on. There were moments when she almost told him that it all seemed blurred and irrational. There had been too many incidents piled in the corner of the mind closet,.... like shoes, building an eventual mountain of heels and soles and laces with only dust bunny cushioning. Obscuring positive thinking. She wanted to tell him...but she knew, even if he carried his own doubts and fears, he would never bring them to the fore. That would be for her benefit, she assumed. Once she told him what she thought was missing...COMPASSION, a mere basic love for those who struggled with imperfection.. What she failed to mention to him was that the lack of this one emotion was the lock inside her brain.... and the key was missing.
She continued to hope.
Like something seen through moving water, she grasped at the promise of understanding, As one who came with a pure heart, and with each morning shower, she would make the promise to cleanse the offending organ in her chest and make a new attempt. This went on for a very long time until that one day.
The speaker was visiting for the first time...it was his turn to make the rounds of the circuit. She looked at him and the words he spoke were so opaque, so without love or kindness, nor was any kindness reflected in his eyes at all. She found them to be smug and challenging, heartless.. Perplexed, she stood up and walked to the back of the room intending to go to the ladies room to overcome the confusion. Instead, she walked right out the door and knew she could not turn back. It was the end of almost 40 years and the rift had widened and become a great fault.
No one really noticed. Not one truly missed her in the throng...just further proof that she did not belong. Knowing it would be to no avail to attempt an explanation to her loved ones, she moved on....alone. The murky fog left her and she began to live on the outside...and life suddenly made sense.....albeit at a very great cost.
Like leaves drifting from the tops of trees, ambiguous thoughts fell from her mind. It was an awakening.
Winter
She started over, knowing that the great winter would bring cold and ice from those she most cared about. Frost enveloped her and she knew that painful chill would remain unrelenting.
She hoped her loved ones had found the answers and that they were not holding secret, chilling doubts inside themselves as well. She wanted them to be free of the painful stabs of freezing criticism easily and generously dispersed within the group..She wanted them to have warmth and kindness and love.
Spring
For her, she knew there would be a spring with new growth.................no more reasons to doubt or question, unconditional kindness, and best of all..... compassion was there. She had finally found it on the outside.
Summer