Advice and Experiences, Please...

by DarioKehl 9 Replies latest watchtower medical

• 

  DarioKehl

  I've had a rough time lately with my JW relatives. They are aware of my spiritually weakened condition and have known about my doubts for some time. I would like to hear your experiences about "coming out" to your loved ones. Right now, I'm thinking about sending a lovingly-worded packet laying it all out for them.

  Have any of you gone about it that way? What was the result?

  I would like to include a firm message about my atheism (without saying that word). The point of this message would not be to persuade them in any way and I plan to begin the whole thing reassuring them that that's not the case. They have questions and have even admitted to me they're very curious and interested but don't want to come off as nosey or pushy. The purpose of this would be to send a clear message: "ok, you want to know, so here it is..."

  This would be an informative work. I want to share with them what science, history, archeology and anthropology say. I want to explain the difference between a scholastic study of the bible and a theological study. I want to avoid WBTS altogether and focus on the global picture. "Here's what's out there and to affiliate myself with any religion or faith, I must ignore this mountain of physical evidence. I am unable to do that because that would make me a liar."

  I also want to go into deep detail about the enormous emotional toll this has had on me for the past decade or so. I need them to know how I've felt utterly helpless facing this dilema because of the gut-wrenching choices I'd eventually have to make. I want to clearly emphasize that this isn't a choice. I cannot choose to believe. And I would never choose to put them or myself in a painful situation. Religion is making that choice for us. And across the board, religions do this to everyone around the world, not just this one. I want to make it clear that I have no intentions of leaving the bOrg or taking anyone out with me. I want to make it clear that I will not submit a DA letter or share my doubts with the elders at my local congregation--this is strictly a family correspondence and needs to remain private. This is to pacify them, to address their questions and concerns and to hopefully alleviate some of their guilt and fear. However, I plan to ask them for their utmost respect in my secular humanism. They need to understand that to attend meetings, participate in FS and give anymore credence to the "last days" outlook will not be on the table. I want to send a clear message that we must maintain our family bond at all costs, despite what they now know (if nothing else, to set a good example for our non-JW relatives). The only quote I will include is the one from Awake about no one should be forced to choose between religion and family. There will be no blaming whatsoever. No guiltrips on them and no harsh criticism of WT or the JWs themselves.

  The tone of this would be loving, informative and specific. I want to include sources and references from science and history books only (and peer-reviewed journals). I know how to structure the packet in an organized format. The composition would anticipate their questions and address each one as they review it. I will not offer a challenge to refute my presentation (if this is composed successfully, they won't be able to challenge it). The final purpose would be to leave things solely in their hands. They would have to make the choice about how to proceed from here. My goal is to leave them no room at all to blame me for any of this and to know that my door will remain open for them no matter what.

  I just fear their response. I've feared it for years, but I cannot move on until this is elephant is finally addressed in a concise, formal manner. I plan to go in to detail about the internal mental struggle this has had on my life and is the reason why I can't seem to move forward and make any healthy progress in my adulthood. For those of you who have done this, how did you muster the courage to take this leap and send off your "manifesto?" Was your prediction accurate or were you surprised? Have there been any favorable outcomes? I do not expect them to leave--ever. I just hope they understand and don't decide to mark me off for good. I mean... how can they hold me accountable for accepting cold hard facts? ...Right?

  Wish me luck! I'll start the outline this weekend.
• 

  DarioKehl

  One more thing...

  I have thought about the potential hazard of putting this all in writing. That's why I want to structure the wording of it diplomatically enough to not trigger an investigation if it were forwarded to or shared with a body of elders. At this point (based on prior conversations I've had with them), I doubt my relatives would pass it along to anyone else.
• 

  konceptual99

  My advice as someone currently in the same position as you is not to do it. I've spoken to several with experience of leaving and the advice from them has been consistent.

  Puting things down in writing is cathartic - that's why this site, blogs, twitter etc. are used. If you want to write it down then do so here or in similar ways. Always do it anonomously. You can always just write at home and never show anyone.

  Sending letters to others will always raise the apostate alarm. It is unlikely they will be really interested or read it in context. It could very easily escalate, come to the elders' attention and a JC will be formed. Do you really want that?

  It's a tough place to be. I know. I am in that place too. I really just want to throw the shackles off and dump the whole thing. I want to shout it out to everyone at the hall. The reality is that if you want to keep a relationship with your family and some of your friends then the only way is slowly slowly catchy monkey.

  Please don't write letters unless you are happy to run the very real risk of being thrown out and treated worse than a pedophile.
• 

  DarioKehl

  Noted. Thanks for the tip.

  What if they've admitted doubts to me themselves in the past? One of them confessed to me privately that they don't buy the flood account at all. Another confided that they had trouble with the idea of the "trumpets" of Revelation being fulfilled by district conventiols (lol). That same person also called me recently after a program about Lucy (the hominid ancestor) and tried to reassure me by saying, "I know, Dario. You don't have to feel ashamed to tell me what exactly is causing your doubts. I heard it today. So, I know. If stuff like that is it, you don't have to dread telling me."

  Based on these recent developments, I feel that this is an opportunity to present my case in detail.
• 

  perfect1

  I said this to someone else, recently.

  Avoid the strange JW impule of letter writing.

  Yes, you want to lay out an argument, a detailed, nuanced argument explaining yourself.

  DONT.

  buy a journal.

  then continue to have face to face conversations with your doubting family.

  Letter writing and giving does nothing but produce evidence against you. The cult mentality can snap back on again at any moment, and the person may feel the need to report you or burn it or you name it to your letter. In the present moment, when things come up, you can draw them out and try to share these taboo ideas. There are small windows where a believer has doubts. Most people cannot live in a state of uncertainty and close their minds back up to something more comfortable- in this case the lies and tragic message of the WTS.

  I believe letter writing must come out of the JW mindset that you are the speaker and your audience needs to listen, and you will line up your points and scriptures like giving a talk.

  This is really not effective communication, iit is one sided. Trying engaging in a conversation, where there is an exchange and you listen and respond to the person and what they need from you rather than presenting your case, as you say.
• 

  everchangingworld

  It could go either way.

  In my case, I expressed my arguments in a similar way as you did (although I did also address some WT inconsistencies like 607, which may have been the trigger, but they did still send elders to my place. I was able to wiggle out of it, but I know many well-meaning JWs who think that their own doubts are due to their own weaknesses, and if they don't have a good enough argument to refute yours, then the elders will, because, after all, this is the "truth".

  I wanted to be honest with my family, so I don't necessarily regret having been honest with them about my non-beliefs (I think that with my personality, I would be tormented if I couldn't be honest with them about this), but I somehow think that our relationship would be slightly better off if I had never said anything. That way, they can just believe that I was discouraged/stumbled, instead of having "apostate" thinking, which is scarier and dangerous for a JW, even one who is doubting.

  They probably won't turn you in, but they might spread to elders that you have "doubts", which raises huge alarm bells. My family still refers to my non belief as "doubts". Evidence is irrelevant to a JW.
• 

  DesirousOfChange

  KONCEPTUAL99: My advice as someone currently in the same position as you is not to do it.

  Good Great advice. YOU (Dario) asked for advice, but you'll probably ignore it.

  PERFECT1: Letter writing and giving does nothing but produce evidence against you.

  EXACTLY RIGHT! But, I'm betting you're (Dario) gonna do it anyway.

  DARIO: What if they've admitted doubts to me themselves in the past?

  They still have to find it out ON THEIR OWN! YOU doing THEIR research will not help. They don't really have doubts; or they don't want to deal with their doubts; or else THEY would be digging into it on their own.

  ASK THEM QUESTIONS. Implore them to research it to HELP YOU.

  [OK. It's time for BlackSheep or LeavingWT to chime in here.]

  Good luck.

  Doc
• 

  rebel8

  Maybe it's just me but I refuse to read long letters that people send me when they have a bone to pick. It comes across to me as passive-aggressive and I refuse to support not talking in person if there's something wrong. Again, maybe it's just me. I actually reply letting them know I got it but won't read it & asking them to come talk to me if they want to discuss something.

  If I was in their shoes I'd immediately throw it out as soon as I realized it was tainted demonized apostate material, which would occur at about sentence #3.
• 

  DarioKehl

  Ok. Thanks for the advice, guys.

  @ Desirous: I plan to make my decision based on feedback. I would never "do it anyway." I've seen many examples of people making poor decisions after receiving feedback that they didn't agree with. I'm making an honest inquiry and based on the advice I've seen so far, I've cancelled this idea entirely. When I posted this, I really hadn't made up my mind.

  I probably will write something up and destroy it immediately after just as an exercise in therapy. Or, I might just compose this manifesto and leave it in a safety deposit box or something that my relatives could look over if I ever dropped dead for some reason.

  At this point, I will let this matter rest. Only if they really push and pry will I ever divulge this information. Perhaps in the meantime, it would be a good exercise to compose something and familiarize it well enough to provide solid responses on the fly?
• 

  Hortensia

  I'm glad you made this decision. Tell us your thoughts. You'll get lots of feedback and learn a thing or two. I certainly have! And instead of arguments, documentation, etc., just think of a bunch of good questions to ask if they get pushy about what you think. Ask the questions, but don't answer them yourself. Maybe someone will wake up.