Well I have not posted or come here for a while. It is late but felt drawn here to leave a bit of an update.
I left my wife at the start of December. I half met someone online but it just made me realise very quickly how much I want to be in a loving relationship not a toxic one and what a mess everything was. So I said I was moving out and it took a month but I found a place.
The person I met online lives in Germany. We have met a couple of times and it is early but I love her. Quite happy saying that. Feel I have met my soulmate. How will it pan out? I don't know. But whatever happens I know for my own sanity and for the sake of my children moving out was the right thing to do.
Christmas was hard - nay shite - but we all got through. My soon to be ex wife is convinced I left for another woman (I have been completely honest about the lady in Germany from the outset) and I suppose in a way I have. But she checked out of the marriage years ago and that is why I left. The thought of sleeping in my daughters bedroom another night after nine months was just too much. I know I can look my children in the eye and say I tried. I tried as hard as I was able. Maybe a stronger man could have carried on "for the children" but I could not. And I know deep down that happy dad (and hopefully in the end happy mum) is better for them. I want them to see two adults that love each other not two adults that cannot stand to be in the same room.
So I sit now in my own house. Financially a lot poorer for the rest of my life but feeling hopeful and optimistic about the future for the first time in years. Although it is taking a while to adjusting to being on my own which is hard. And loving someone 500 miles away is also very hard. But you make a choice and you make it the right one. If you can.