... i posted this recently (as of the last couple of weeks) on another site... but i thought you might feel not so alone with what you are going through.....
So .... I've been playing with the idea of posting something for several days now. And i wonder if this is the time that i will actually do it. Heck,... i had come by this site probably several months before and had not even opened the site for fear of what was in it. Yes,... i am for the moment still a jehovah's witness and really have a difficult time thinking of my life anything but as one. It scares me,... confuses me,.... and causes great pain inside of me to think that i would be for the first time by myself. I am a fairly stable person for all intents and purposes, however for the people that know me best, they know that i have had this internal stuggle with the truth for a fair amount of time now. I have for a very long time also thought that these feelings and thoughts of uncertainty would fade. However, they have not faded. Quite the opposite my uncertainty of being able to do all that is expected of me is become my impossible, my defeat.
So.... here it goes.... This is me....(Just to let you all know, i don't know where to start with this) I just turned 24. I was baptized almost 10 years ago. And yes I believe everything and still do for the most part. I'm not bitter that i grew up as a witness because it has given me a focus and a support system that i know i would not have had otherwise. I took some very good things away from the truth and i think those things will follow me inevitably as well. I have however, gotten to the point where i just don't want it anymore. You see I have a guilt that i go sleep with, wake up with, and live with everyday of my life. I HATE that! I don't know how to get rid of it either. I feel guilty for not feeling guilty. I try to explain that to some people and no one gets it.
I grew up in the truth from the time i was a little kid with the rest of my family. With time though, all of them no longer go to the meetings. (Mom, Dad, brothers, and sister) So it isn't a family pressure thing to stay in the truth. I ask myself if it is the friends that make me stay???? It really isn't. I have a few people that i am kind of close to. But my worldly friends i tend to spend more time with and enjoy being around. I don't know what it is that makes me hold on to being a witness. I talked to my family about all of this and they really just told me that they would love me and support me regardless,.... so why all this anguish????
So in efforts to find myself,,.... i moved away from my family by myself. Which was not a bad idea. I love being daring, supporting myself, and like the opportunities that have come available to me by being away from home. I can accomplish so much,... yet the one thing that i can't seem to get a handle on is rulning me. I don't know how to fix this and most of all i so desperately need someone to help me. And that someone to ask for help is missing at the moment.
There is yet so much more, but i don't want to drown someone with the details.... maybe next time....... if there is a next time. How do i fix this???
Sorry
lost myself
I did it yesterday..... I went to the meeting. Heck i even commented and tried to maintain some kind of appearance up. It was the worst day of my entire life. Why you may ask??? Why the worst??? I probably went about it wrong. Probably should of handle the situation with a little more charisma. But i didn't. See yesterday i told an elder and the rest of the people that mean something to me that i can't do it anymore. I can't be something i know i can't be. Not that i didn't want to, maybe still kind of do.. But i can't lead this "double life" that has been consuming me. I probably should have just drifted away or slip through the cracks, but see there is more to this story than i initially led on. And,... even with complete anonymity i'm quite embarrassed and ashamed.
About six months ago i got in some troube with this worldly guy. Honestly he was probably one of the best people, best man that has ever entered in my life. He was about eight years older than I. He has figured out who he is and more importantly who he isn't. We met at a bar out of all places and somehow kept touch. (For those of you that would ever come to know me,.... I may talk or flirt with a guy at a bar but to keep touch with one of them is definitely a taboo thing for me.) He was ambitious, kind, thoughtful, gorgeous, open minded and most of all non-judgemental. How could i not fall in love him???? We got close and he ended up being my longest relationship. We work both crazy shifts,.... you see i work 3 days a week at my profession and he was a fireman working a couple of shifts a week. So we had so much time to spend with each other, get to know each other's idiosyncrasies..... I just tended to have more.... Especially with the whole religion thing. All in all to make a very long story short.... he tried..... he tried harder than i think i even realized. He went to the assembly with me and talked to witnesses at the doors and so forth and so on. But conscience hit hard with me..... and things didn't work out and i went to the elders to tell them of how i felt.... and what i did..... To be honest they were really great.... and have been. I know that sounds odd and maybe you all may think that is a blinded comment on my part, but they were.
So the saga continued.... there was one particular elder that was helping me out. He would call me up to go over his to do the watchtower, just to hang out with him and his wife, or just to share something that he thought would help me out. This continued for awhile...... but then our conversation started to become diverted. We talked about everything and anything. We became closer than we should have (emotionally). He told me he wasn't happyily married and his low points and such. I didn't think much of him at first..... i mean he was a person i wasn't attracted in the slightest. But maybe cause i was at a low point myself i allowed myself to feel something i normally wouldn't have. We were going to meet somewhere (by ourselves) and started to talk about it more and more. (We both knew we hadn't crossed the official line yet) But then,.... conscience hit again,before i got in more trouble. I left for vacation, changed my cell phone, and avoided him. I still don't think he is a bad guy or even a bad elder but.... he wants me to go the elders about something he knows that i need to go for that has happened since the last time i went... but i can't... if i can't tell all.... i'm not going to tell nothing.... He right now is debating on going to tell the rest of the elders about our conversations that we've had on the phone at all hours of the night... but i'm thinking at this point why bother??? All i'm trying to do at this point is leave quitely and not disturb other peoples faith..... heck if it's workin why not stick with it.... if it makes you happy, why not continue with it?? Why would i try to make someone else have all these uncertainties.
So see i tried to slip through the cracks or drift away for months now.... but had that one particular elder that wouldn't let that happen.... And for quite awhile he had me convince i didn't want that either. I am just truly confused as to what i want now. All my friends i emailed them letters last night... and phone has been ringing non-stop ... they think that i am suicidal or something... (Which i'm not).... i'm hurting so many people... that's what hurts the most... cause they are genuinely concerned.... In there eyes i've committed suicide in the worst way possible. That hurts me to see them affected by my actions... That's why i'm guilty.......
lost myself
My friends that are not jw's .... always ask "Are the ratings up this week?", or "what are the headlines for today?" They think my life is a soap opera, and i'm starting to think that as well. I just want to crawl under a rock and just not have to think about anything. Actually that's what i'm planning on doing. I bought a ticket this week to phoenix and will be gone the whole week of memorial... cause i know that everyone i know will be making their rounds. Not that it bothers me, cause i know they feel obligated and they figure that is their way of showing me that they really care. (To be honest,... i probably would have my feelings a little hurt if they didn't call, or didn't care that i was around. <----- some thought patterns are hard to break) But, yes... all i can do to keep my mind busy is putting up a post, writing down my thoughts or working.
So the married elder came by my house today. He didn't come to talk to me or anything, but just to drop off a tape on some public talk. (and no i haven't listened to it) Will i listen to it??? i don't know.... don't really care to think about it at the moment. He then called to leave a message since i didn't answer my phone and then again called to check if i got the message (he blocked the number, i thought it might have been the hospital calling since i offered to work) So the conversation was poignant, because i intended to not have picked up the phone if i knew it was him. I then proceeded to get a call from another elder to ask if they could meet with me. (the married elder and this now other elder).... He was nice and trying to be helpful... but i just don't want to go through these last couple of days, just for grins.... can't and won't do it. My hardest thing in life is just deciding what i want.... the rest is simpler. I got him off the phone by telling him that i would talk to them in a couple of weeks... but he doesn't yet know that i won't be here. I feel like i'm lying but i don't care right now. Don't really care about too much....
I went out with a few of my non-witness friends tonight for dinner and drinks... it was different... cause i was different but i told them that i loved them for supporting me regardless of my craziness. They were great.... as all of you have been as well. Off to bed for me... i have to work bright and early in the am. take care all.
love me
lost myself
I'll admit.... life is strange in the last week and a half..... i look at situations differently, i feel jaded, I think crazy thoughts..... why????? Don't understand it completely.... I knew that somethings would be different, but... everything??? Even my personality is different.... not fake differerent, nor untrue to myself different,.... but different....
I feel like something is missing and yet I am more whole than i ever have been. Without direction, aimless yet guided by something internal. I know strangely enough that i will survive all of this.... but i am terribly afraid that i will regret that i have acted irrationally. That years later, i will look back upon this time in my life, that this moment i failed not other people but myself. I'm behaving much more on emotion than on a thought process level, which i have never done. I'm not sure if that makes sense,... but i am trying to make order out of this mess that i have ignored for way too long. I neglected feelings, desires, and even thoughts that was unhealthy to an extreme degree. Now, it's overwhelming to sort through not days, nor weeks, but years of suppression.
I was thinking about how i could still have a spiritual attachment in my life.... something that i could have some connection to Jehovah,...... God. Cause, I've laid in my bed at night ..... started to pray...... and yet i am at a loss for words. Does this get easier???? Cause i seriously have gone from knowing, to thinking, to wondering.... to doubting that he does. .....but maybe those being in a similar situation can tell me how you think about this... or how you feel???? If you feel comfortable....... to share that.