Dating as a JW

by BU2B 9 Replies latest jw friends

BU2B

The JWs have a way of either eliminating or making miserable the things most people find to be highlights of their lives. When I started dating my now wife, and yes I married the first person I ever dated at age 19 by the way, what should have been a great time became mostly miserable.
Her parents didnt make it any easier. Her dad wanted us to date for one or two more years which wouldnt be so bad If it wasnt for how hard courtship was for us and im sure many others.
Everywhere we went everyone had something negative to say. Very few upbuilding people. Of course every minute had to be monitored with a chaperone. These became harder and harder to find to the point that some began demanding we pay their bill if we went out to dinner. Its amazing how even the WT only says you need a chaperone only if you are going to be in private but noooo everyone else feels you need one even if you are at the a$$embly, convention, zoo, park, restaurant, movies, anywhere! We got to the point we just started going to breakfast or lunch without telling anyone. Things like picking out a cake, reception place etc, were always others there.
As we know JWs seem to think any 2 people of the opposite sex will instantly copulate if left alone even in a car in field service in broad daylight. The irony of it all is that my then girlfriend/fiance both had vehicles and could meet up anywhere we wanted to fornicate if thats what we wanted! How stupid are some of them?! Rumors started flying about the most innocent things. A simple hug we shared at the convention like I would give to anyoune was turned into rumors we were basically humping on each other in the stands. There are seriously so many haters and gossipers in the org in my experience, far outnumbering the good souls. Anyways I was just thinking about how the suck the life and joy out of anything!
The trailer for the new Halle Berry movie the Call came on as me and the missus were watching tv and she said how great the movie looked and its too bad its rated R! I just felt like telling her to SNAP OUT OF IT! YOU ARE ALMOST 30! yOU ARE AN ADULD AND CAN WATCH WHATEVER YOU WANT!! I dont even think the WT has ever printed anything about Rated R movies but it has been mentioned at conventions, but my god its like they use the MPAA as a concience for them without even looking into why a movies rated R they just say its R ant thats it!! Incredible!
Anyways just had to get that rant off my chest lol
sir82

I dont even think the WT has ever printed anything about Rated R movies
Rating systems differ by country which is likely why you don't see anything in print.
But on the application form for US Bethel, it specifically mentions "R rated movies". If you admit to watching them you won't get in, if you are caught watching one while there you will be sent home.
Back on topic, I agree that the chaperone system is hopelessly dated...and naive...and demeaning.....
Come to think of it, "dated and naive and demeaning" pretty well sums up the whole entire JW experience.....
sd-7

Everywhere we went everyone had something negative to say. Very few upbuilding people. Of course every minute had to be monitored with a chaperone. These became harder and harder to find to the point that some began demanding we pay their bill if we went out to dinner. Its amazing how even the WT only says you need a chaperone only if you are going to be in private but noooo everyone else feels you need one even if you are at the a$$embly, convention, zoo, park, restaurant, movies, anywhere! We got to the point we just started going to breakfast or lunch without telling anyone.
This was my experience, too. Nothing but negativity and me getting slammed with gossip. Even my own brother just saying he didn't think my then girlfriend (now wife) was all that attractive! As if that had anything to do with anything, given that (1) I found her attractive, and (2) shut up, she's not your girl, you won't have to wake up next to her, if that's what you're worried about!
Actually I hadn't thought about how potentially burdensome this could become on chaperones if they have to deal with paying a restaurant bill or something every time you go out on a date. But the funny thing was, I didn't even have a car, so all our dates were on public transportation. The one time we were alone for two hours and didn't do anything but hold hands and watch TV, we both got called into the back room by the elders for it. And it's like, the only person who even knew about that was, who, a non-JW daughter of the JW my then girlfriend was staying with? So who ratted us out? And why?
(Not to mention that if a non-JW was to accompany you on your date, that couldn't count as a chaperone, since obviously they've got their digital camera and we're all going to make a porno, right?)
And that's where your point really drives it home...
The irony of it all is that my then girlfriend/fiance both had vehicles and could meet up anywhere we wanted to fornicate if thats what we wanted!
The chaperone system falls apart when you realize this glaring problem: people can meet up at anytime and do whatever they want, if they really want to do it. It is ultimately going to be your personal desire to wait until marriage that will result in success or failure in that regard. If you don't want to, you're not going to.
For me, all the negativity did not give me any desire to invite a chaperone along. I mean, who wants to surround themselves with people who are hellbent on making sure the relationship can never work? (No offense to the naysayers about my marriage, since, well, that's another ball o' wax, there.) So I just kept on meeting my girl in public places to keep things simple and keep the fuzz off our backs. We went to see 'The Incredibles' like three times for lack of better ideas...
And yeah, any expression of affection--or even no display at all--was met with all this controversy! When we first started dating, my wife and I spent our lunch break at the assembly together, just walking around, minding our own business. I even took a picture of her that day. But my God, what a firestorm that ignited! Everyone was already planning the marriage and/or its disaster from that day on. All the pressure got to her first and she dumped me, and odds are, we might've had a better shot at it if things hadn't gotten so screwed up at that point. I may be wrong, but I already know that...
she said how great the movie looked and its too bad its rated R! I just felt like telling her to SNAP OUT OF IT! YOU ARE ALMOST 30! yOU ARE AN ADULD AND CAN WATCH WHATEVER YOU WANT!!
Ha! I still have to tell myself that sometimes, the guilt is still strong... I can't handle R-rated violence for the most part, but I do love a good R-rated drama or a smart enough R-rated romantic comedy or something. It's just with small children around so much I have to keep it to a minimum. I usually just wait till they're at the meetings so I don't get any complaints from the Mrs. about it. Speaking of that, you just reminded me that I need to make a list of R-rated stuff I want to check out.
Anyway, I like your rant. I totally relate.
--sd-7
Pickler

I am forever thankful now that I didn't date anyone while I was in (well, only once for a few weeks). It was bad enough just talking to a brother, everyone would stare, whisper & gossip.
They turn anything normal & nice into something horrible. Chaperoning is all about being "seen" to do the right thing, as BU2B says, anyone who genuinely wanted to meet up in private could do so, most people have cars anyway. So why not just let people be adult?
Wedding nights must be strange....for some people it must be the first time they are unchaperoned?
How do you know if you are compatible or not?
sd-7

Wedding nights must be strange....for some people it must be the first time they are unchaperoned?
How do you know if you are compatible or not?
Yeah, that's gotta be pretty scary. And of course, you get to learn at last that the person she was in front of chaperones and at the KH...is the total opposite of who she actually is. That's a little more frightening, I should think. But that horror is usually extended over the course of several, agonizing years. Not that I would know, of course...
--sd-7
Captain Obvious

JWs make dating tedious, when it should be fun. That's why many just date under the radar for a while. As soon as its official, EVERYONE is up in your business, asking when's the wedding, etc. ridiculous. My wife and I dated for 2 years before getting married. We were alone all the time together, and did many things that would make an elder blush ;). My point is it is possible for smart dubs to date while ignoring the pressures from people around them.
The couples that give in to the pressure and get married too fast, too young etc often end up with unhappy marriages. There are ways around it. Unfortunately most aren't able to think for themselves.
BU2B

Also I forgot to mention that we got married just before the rule went into affect that you need to be interrogated by an elder as to if your courtship was "clean" that wouldnt go well for most I imagine.. Maybe thats why most are not getting married at the KH anymore in my observation. Its outrageous the power these charlatans wield. Even worse that the people give them this authority by submitting to it. They only have as much power as the Rank and File give them.
Nice_Dream

I can commiserate! It sucks needing a chaperone, my little sister got stuck being one. Because it was a hassle, we mostly stayed at my house and played cards. ;)
One brother had it out for us and made rude comments at the meeting. I wasn't baptized yet, and this brother always made comments about how wrong it was for a baptized brother to be dating an unbaptized sister. We were sitting in the row ahead of him. Talk about feeling shamed at the meetings!
lriddle80

My dating experiance was horrible as well! I was 16 and my dad made it the worst! I would get in trouble for nothing and then get grounded from seeing my boyfriend. I was baptized and he wasn't, but he was the only guy in the KH that I could date, so it had to be him! We did fool around at times, but nothing too serious. I would feel guilty about it and tell him we should stop, but then he wouldn't really follow through on that and I was weak, so that was that. I figured we'd get married! The brothers were always trying to keep us apart and said I was following him around too much at the KH and assembly hall. I wasn't allowed to go on many dates, chaperoned or not because of how young I looked and my "step" dad said he felt jealous...which seemed weird. Finally, he got baptized and I was so happy, but then...as soon as he got dunked, he broke up with me because we had been fooling around and he didn't want to get in trouble now that he was baptized. What a jerk! The whole thing was so traumatizing!
Jim_TX

When I was dating... well... I wasn't one of their 'best' young men that would be climbing up the WT ladder... so I don't think that they even cared about me.
I had been dating a worldly - and then started dating a JW - so they were all for that.
The JW gal that I started dating... well, she had been seeing this non-jw fella, and had done the 'no-no' with him - so when we started dating, I think that the elders figured that both of their problems would be solved.
...
As far as watching R-rated movies... this was a sore spot with me. In later years, I had faded, and the wife (now ex-wife) and our daughter would go to the movie rental stores to get VCR tapes (or DVD's) to watch at home. My wife would council me on how it couldn't be an R-rated movie... and if I remember correctly, even PG-rated movies were also borderline acceptable.
I would look through the G-rated movies... but would wind up looking at and wanting to watch an R-rated movie.
I don't remember the movies that my daughter would normally get, but I _do_ remember that she bought - yes - BOUGHT - the movie called 'The Matrix'.
After that, I figured that I would - and could - get any durn movie I wanted to see, regardless of the rating.
Oh - and my wife? She watched movies like 'Ghost', and felt that was okay (not sure how she justified it in her mind).
So, yeah... GRRRRRR!!! when they start telling you 'no R-rated movies'.
Regards,
Jim TX

Dating as a JW

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