Hello all. I don't know how I made it back to my computer in one piece but here goes. Yes I know that some people probably won't remember or recognize me. I made only a scarce amount of threads after joining up. I eventually ended up getting entangled with some difficult situations offline, thus before I could even 'establish' myself on the board I was by circumstance forced to not participate. I just figured (not that it matters) that i'd crawl back here to post. If only because i'm so pathetically human--unable to stop myself from venting my thoughts/frustrations/emotions/etc. in some kind of productive way involving words. In essence, ya'll, I ain't got it easy!
So where do I start? My mother has been going into a dark, confusing territory. She wasn't really meant for any religion I think despite the good nature lying underneath her, within her heart, I think she mostly came back as a JW (she drifted away for a long time after marrying my worldly biological father--they divorced when i was a child), to make my aging grandmother happy. Most of the blame in the house comes to me in all things. She goes into dark mood swings after attending any kind of light-hearted meeting, despite how important the message of love and tolerance was, I saw none of it. Atleast now i'm not seeing any of it. Its been hard to concentrate on anything--meetings, work, etc.--without dealing with arguements, confrontations, or just randomly being verbally assaulted for no apparent reason at total random. It's as if my mother has mental issues. I think, sadly, especially the more time she spends 'studying' bible literature, she becomes more unhinged. I'm on the receiving end because i'm young. No matter what I do, in her eyes, it's not good enough. There's just an overall tense change in personality going on in the household.
Meanwhile, my grandmother believes the whispers my mom makes. She's old so her faculties change every now an then. Sometimes she kisses my cheek and tells me she loves me, other times she screams, blames me for things because my mom 'told her things'. It's just constant. Being a male, a young male especially, trying to make it out on his own, it's difficult. You don't wnat to seem like you 'abandon' your family, you want to work through things, at the same time, it's not as loving.
But these situations aren't something delved into deeply at the kingdom hall. The 'advice' they offer you encourages you to do better, but it's really just me taking a beating by being 'humble'. This also applies to everyone else, which brings me to my next topic: the exclusion. There's a clannishness taking place, which is complicated by the fact that i'm the only young black male in my age range attending my hall, dominated by Hispanics and whites with blacks sprinkled there (more older blacks or middle-aged married couples than people who are in my category). People try to act 'christian', but you can't deny people have an in-group mentality. I've ignored it, chucked it up to stupidity, kept being a good Bible student boy this entire time but it's sort of grating to know that there's no real place I can turn to. So I pray, and I pray, but all I feel is stress. There's no sense of community when you need it the most. I just feel lost. All the things i'm dealing with, I never at any point in my life felt this pinned down. I deal with ignorant, rude people, I deal with drama/arguing/fighting in my house. My non-JW cousins hate my guts. It's constant mayhem. It's funny because, when I was a Baha'i (google the religion if you must http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baha%27i_faith) this didn't happen. Oh well. Not sure how constructive whining is at this point but felt the need to let out how I feel and what i'm going through. I don't know if anyone has ever felt like a freak, living a robotic life like this, seeing what you see, hearing what you hear, yet feeling paralyzed like you're unable to speak up against it.