Hello everyone, Abraham here. Or some of you may have known me as Abram. And I apologize to Donny for hijacking his JWN account, but I haven’t set one up yet. I wanted to tell you guys this funny story. Me, my nephew Lot and some of his buddies were just sittin’ around talking shit when someone used the phrase “You're making a mountain out of a molehill.”
Boy, I can sure relate to that statement. A few thousand years ago I was living in the city of Ur when this very annoying dude Jehovah showed up and told me to pack up and leave. Well, knowing the history of this psychotic guy and the fact that none of the locals would believe the profile of this person, I did what I was told.
I headed to this place called Canaan and what a pain in the ass trip it was. It was hot as hell and along the way I had to pass through this ghetto of a place called Egypt. The dudes there thought my 80-year old wife Sarai was da bomb so I had to bullshit ‘em and say she was my sister so they wouldn’t kick my ass.
We finally got out of there and ol’ Sarai began bagging and moaning that we were not bearing any kiddies. So she brought in this younger chick named Hagar and said “Bone her and have a kid and I will claim it as mine.”
Hagar was pretty fine so I did as I was told and lo and behold about 9 months later ol’ Ishmael popped out. Things were pretty cool for a while and then this Jehovah dude popped up and began making a mess of things again. God, he is a pain in the ass!!
He said that I had to sign a contract with him and that was really a legal pain, literally! As part of the agreement, Ishmael and I had to cut off the loose skin off our dicks! Can you imagine the pain and anguish that created?
At first I said “Hell No,” but again I recalled the crazy shit he had done to those folks of long ago who found themselves up an ocean without a boat, so I relented There is nothing more agonizing than feeling pulsating pain in your dongus . bomp..bomp……bomp..bomp……bomp..bomp.
Then ol’ Jah says “Cool dude! I didn’t think you would go through with it! I know I wouldn’t have. Anyhoo, I am changing your name to Abraham and your old lady will now be Sarah. Cool huh?”
Then these three rednecks show up and began to tell some tall tales. One of them said that when he returns next year my old lady will have a child from her own womb. Yeah right!! Even my old lady laughed at that one and the dude said that Jehovah can do whatever he wants so shut the hell up.
Then they left and two of them went to visit my nephew Lot who lived in the S&G metroplex area, very similar to DFW. Well these two fellows , who were hot to trot, showed up at Lot's place and suddenly the rainbow folks of the town wanted to pork them. Well my nephew Lot was not having any of that in his house and he did what any moral dad would do, he offered up his virgin teen-aged daughters to the mob, but they didn’t take him up on it.
Things got really rowdy so they had to leave and head out of town. On the way there was all of this racket and commotion coming from where the downtown area was and the next thing I know his old lady turned into a statue of salt. God she must have had some really high blood pressure problems! That excess sodium intake can be a mutha! Plus ol’ Jah completely destroyed S&G which is really going to stress the resources of the insurance companies in that region.
Since my nieces were not able to satisfy their sexual desire with the men of the city, they got their daddy drunk as hell for two days as they raped his ass. I made some money from the incident by capturing it on video and posting on an internet incest web site. The video is called “Daughters who get a LOT of dong.” Hey, y ou do what you gotta do to make ends meet.
So just like that old dude said about a year ago, my old lady pops up pregnant! Damn ain’t that a bitch!! Dealing with a woman with child is hard enough in its own merit but dealing with a 90+ year old lady with mood swings sucks! I didn’t have access to Midol like you folks do.
But it was a good thing as I got another son out of the deal and we called him Isaac. But then things got tiffy between Sarah and Hagar so I finally had to send her and Ishmael off on their own, much like brother Rutherford did with his old lady and son. I found out later that Ishmael was pissed at his father for doing this and converted to Islam.
And keeping with that insane commandment of Jah, I again had to cut the skin at the end of his tallywhacker off. Sheesh he seems to have such a preoccupation with guys’ shlongs I am beginning to wonder if he don’t swing both ways. After all he is the one who showed Noah the rainbow.
Well things were quite for a few years until moody Jah told me to go build an altar and offer up Isaac. Of course in my mind I thought “This dude is friggin’ out of his mind,” but after going back to Lots old house and seeing what a mess Jehovah did to that place, I wasn’t going to argue.
As we walked to the altar poor Isaac kept asking what we were going to barbeque so I had to bullshit him by saying that Jah boy would have some nice rips waiting for us. Then we arrived at the altar and as I picked up Isaac and placed him upon it and he yelled “Daddy, what the hell are you doing, I ain’t an animal.” He sounded just like Chris Griffin from Family Guy.
I replied “I know son, but God thinks you are so shut up and let me concentrate on the task at hand here.” Suddenly this dude with wings comes flying by and says “Hey yo Abraham! Are you fucking crazy! Why are you doing this?”
I replied that God told me to do it. The dude replied “Well if God said to jump off the Tower of Babel would you do it?”
“No,” I replied and the winged dude retorted “Well there you go.” I have to say here that that dude really could have used some under-wing deodorant. Plus he was also molting which made a mess of the area.
Then this cool looking sheep got hung up in the nearby bushes so we cooked that guy up instead. After that it was fairly quiet for me. Isaac went on and converted to Judaism and a bunch of his later relatives got tired of that mumbo jumbo and split off and started this crazy group called Christianity. I have tried reading their many books and stuff, but for the life of me I can’t make any sense out of it. One guy says “Hell yeah” and another says “Hell no.” Much too confusing for ol’ Abry here.
But apparently about half of the 7 or 8 billion folks on this earth claims to follow rules that I set up. Funny, but I don’t recall hardly any of them except that wee wee cutting thing and believe me, it is something you will never ever forget!
Warm Regards,
Abraham
P.S. I am going to be watching the Investigation Discovery channel this week. They are having a week long marathon on serial killers and I saw that one of them is going to be about that Jehovah dude. That episode will have to be several days long and I just hope many of the relatives of his victims find some sort of closure, but they probably won’t.