When I was a teenager, I got into heavy metal music in a big, big way. Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, and Metallica were my faves, especially Metallica. I lived on their music, listening to their albums literally hundreds of times, often while under the influence of mood-altering substances. Anyone familiar with Metallica, particularly their older stuff, knows that James Hetfield (the singer/guitarist and main creative force behind Metallica) had a morbid fascination with death. One song I remember was called 'Fight Fire With Fire' -
"...Do unto others, as they've done to you, what, what, the hell is, this world coming to?
Blow the Universe, into nothingness, nuclear warfare, shall lay us to rest
Fight fire with fire...ending is near"
The above lyrics are very typical of 80's Metallica music.
As a teenager, morbid, death-centered music became a virtual obsession for me. Little wonder that I developed such a hopeless bent on life and such fear and dislike of other human beings. By the time I was 22, I was convinced that the 'end was near', I was haunted by the idea of having my life cut short by war, disaster, economic fallout, etc. I was paranoid, had few friends, and was completely directionless in life. I had grown up Catholic, but I never paid a bit of attention to it, I was religiously and biblically illiterate.
Along came the WT. A big huge answer to everything. The last days. 1914. The march of world powers. The hope of never having to die, of being protected when the big A comes. I jumped in, without the slightest hesitation...Ahhh, my fears subsided - for a while. Then came the "Are you doing enough"'s. Of course, I never felt like I was. Fear of death returned, only this time even more so because of the guilt that goes along with the notion that you possess the absolute truth and that everybody who doesn't listen to you is going to DIE . I never was a zealous proclaimer of the WT's good news. (very few in the borg are, most are just hanging around)
More than anything else, I think that fear of death was what attracted me to the WT and kept me in long after I saw the insanity. The WT, with their endless Armageddon talk, is virtually identical in methodology to fundy preachers who use hellfire to scare people into their rigid way of life and keep them there in small-minded misery.
Yesterday, I decided to stop fearing death. It is unavoidable. It happens to all people. It may come next week, or I may live another 50 years. My death may come quickly, like a thief in the night, or it may be horribly drawn out and painful. WHO KNOWS? I once heard about a study done on monkeys. I'm sure I don't have this all correct, but basically it went like this -
Two groups of monkeys both were both subjected to periodic electric shocks. One group received the shocks without any prior warning. For the other group, a light would turn on a few seconds ahead of the shock. The group that received the warning had much higher mortality rates than the ones that did not.
The point? The worry that goes along with facing a situation that is inevitable is often much worse than the inevitable situation itself.
Fear of death can make you stop living. I stopped living for 10 years of my life, pursuing a pipe dream religious fantasy. I have a whole new outlook and appreciation for every day now. I have a peace that I never felt while in the borg. I am ready to start living, even if it is for only another week (don't read anything into that statement, I'm not contemplating suicide or anything!)
Carpe Diem!!