It's that time again . . . . . They are finally out.
You know about it.
The Darwin Awards: the annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And this years nominees are:
Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house.
The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
Semifinalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed.
They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
Semifinalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle.
Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps
together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said.
Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma."
Semifinalist #4
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites.
It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.
Semifinalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all
potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched.
Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter.
Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse
exploded, sending pieces of the building as far as three miles away.
Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.
The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
AND THE WINNER IS.....
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve.
The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type car was unidentifiable at the scene.
The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO bottle (Jet Assisted Take Off ) which is actually a solid fuel rocket used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields.
He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and
found a long, straight stretch of road.
Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts, as best as could be determined, are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site.
This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.
The driver, and soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full
afterburners, causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds)before the driver applied the brakes and completely melted them - blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface,then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the face of the cliff at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the
crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached Mach I, attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph.