Funeral this Saturday, looking for suggestions

by Tameria2001 6 Replies latest jw friends

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  Tameria2001

  My husband will be going (unless he has to work) to his JW aunt's funeral this coming Saturday (6-29-13). He will be riding up with one of his other aunts (not a witness). I refuse to go because I just hate those people that much, that if it were my mom's funeral I still would not go. He understands my reason for not going, and he is completely ok with it.

  This will be his first JW funeral to attend since he left that cult, and there will be quite a few of his JW relatives there. Another aunt (also not a JW) told him that she has his back and that he can sit with her during the funeral, which will be held at the kingdom hall. I have read complete horror stories of those who were no longer JWs and their trials of dealing with the JWs, during their time of grief.

  He is not quiet sure on what to expect, so I am asking for him to you all. He is looking for suggestion on what to do, or to even deal with "those" people. He was completely shocked this evening when his brother actually called him and told him about the funeral earlier this evening. He has not spoken to his brother in over 10 years. It was a short converation, just basically telling him the address of the congeration where the funeral is going to be at. Apparently they built a new kingdom hall three years ago.

  If any respond to this post, he will be reading them. The only reason he does not ask himself, is that he does not deal with the internet, or typing at a keyboard. If he tried to type this out, it would take him nearly a whole day. Thank you, oh yes, my husband's name is David.
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  paul from cleveland

  I will never go to another JW funeral again. I went four years ago when my sister died. I was completely and utterly shunned by every JW in attendance. It was so dehumanizing. I will never put myself through that again. Besides, the time to see your loved ones is before they die. Your aunt wont know whether you're there or not.
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  paul from cleveland

  David, I can't overstate how horrible this will be for you should you decide to go. I still get angry just thinking about how inhumanly I was treated at the funeral. It's really not worth it.
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  EmptyInside

  Well,it honestly,depends on the congregation and family. Some choose to be compassionate and at least offer their sympathy to disfellowshipped ones. And some JW families view dealing with a loss as a time to come together.

  Sorry,I couldn't be much help on this matter. I know,even when I was a believer,I would express my sympathy to all members of the family,even those disfellowshipped. I thought the occasion warranted at least a bit of compassion.

  I hope your husband is treated kindly. I'm sure he can at least talk with his non-Witness relatives. Sorry for the loss of your aunt,David.
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  Scully

  Hello David and Tameria

  JW funerals are the most dreadful thing to endure, even worse than the loss that you've experienced.

  Your loved one might get a few minutes' worth of mention in the preamble to describe her years of service to the congregation and her devotion to her family. The remainder of the talk will be a bona fide Infomercial targetting any non-JWs in attendance and inviting them to approach any JWs afterward if they are interested in learning more.

  The Funeral talk outline specifically states that "the talk need not exceed 30 minutes in length".

  It'll be more or less a wham bam thank you ma'am event; it is exceedingly rare for personal remembrances to be shared.

  I'm glad you're attending with non-JW relatives. They can help to buffer the shunning that might otherwise happen. If there is a family gathering afterward, expect to be excluded from it. In fact, you would probably be better off going out to dinner with your non-JW relatives so you can share memories of your aunt, because there won't be any of that going on with the JWs - they consider it to be an unseemly display of grieving.

  Having said all that, I'm hoping that your JW relatives will be the exception, rather than the rule.
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  Mum

  I have been to one JW funeral in my post-JW life, my mom's. My mom waited to become a JW until she was too old and sickly to participate. But she had great social skills, and, to her credit, she did not shun me. Some of the JW's were friendly to me. I was with my non-JW cousin Connie, and one of the JW's recognized her from where she worked. The JW spoke to Connie and did not entirely ignore me. I was shunned by one JW who I had known for many years. I said something to the effect that her heart certainly must be full of Jesus (after the funeral), and my non-JW niece laughed. Word must have gotten back to her because she did not shun me on another occasion after that. After all, two of her children had been DF'd.

  The above-stated scenario is not typical!
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  SophieG

  Personally, I think a lot of how things go down is because of your attitude. You are entitled to show respect for the person who passed away and show support by your presence. It’s about dignity. Those ‘people’ cannot take that away, unless you give it to them. You have every right to be there just as they do. They want to shun/ignore you: let them. Be a bigger person in their house. The ones that approach you, thank them profusely.

  The last funeral I went to no one shunned me because I walked in acting like I belonged there. I did, I had every right to offer my sympathies and condolences, regardless if I had not set foot in a KH in 3 years. I walked up, hugged and spoke to the grieving family. I grew up with these people. I spoke to everyone else like it was no big deal. The most radical thing you can do, is MAKE THE FIRST MOVE. Then they have no choice but to acknowledge you, especially if you are a greiving family member.
  The the best part of being there, was the PO of the congregation where my crazy ex goes to, came across the aisle and gave me a firm handshake.
  
  I am a fader. If I were DF’d, I’d still do the same.