When one removes the blinders, it comes as quite a shock to discover what a simple, one-dimensional religion Jehovah’s Witnesses really have. There is absolutely nothing “deep” about that religion and what it believes when one no longer looks at it through blinders.
It boils down to this:
1) The vast majority of people in the world are so evil, vile and wicked they deserve to be eradicated for eternity. God has done this before and he will do this again.
2) The vast majority of the Bible is dedicated to predicting that there would be a modern-day group of people who would warn people of this pending slaughter.
3) There are nice and practical life-lessons to be learned from Bible stories.
That’s it! In a nutshell, that’s really ALL Jehovah’s Witnesses teach and believe!
The third point is not the least-bit unique among Jehovah’s Witnesses, since virtually all Christian religions teach life-lessons from the Bible. Of course, there are also nice life lessons in the words of Confucious and Lao Tzu, too. Not to mention the collective works of Dr. Seuss and the collective episodes Sesame Street.
So, there are really only TWO major pieces to the JW religion. Of course, there are smaller pieces, such as the CLASS or “lucky sperm” doctrine, which is a pretty strange belief. One’s eternal destiny is determined by WHEN the sperm did what sperm is supposed to do. If the sperm “took” before 1935, one gets to be part of a “king-priest class.” If not, too bad. Those of the “lucky sperm CLASS™” get a number of advantages over the regular JW schmucks:
1) They get extra doses of “holy spirit” which ostensibly would make it easier for them to do the right things.
2) They die and they not only get an instant reward of prince-hood in heaven, but they gain immortality to boot.
3)They get a lot of perks while on earth that the regular schmucks don’t get, like prestige, respect and high esteem.
4) In dubland, they are the most important CLASS™ ever to live.
On the other hand, those of the “unlucky sperm CLASS™” who die have to sit around rotting in their graves for millennia and then get resurrected whereby they’ve got 1,000 years of hard work left to do and then they get tested again. They don’t get to marry, or have any children, even if they died unmarried and childless. Those of this same class who don’t die have to face the harshest test God has ever imposed in mankind’s history, then have 1,000 years of hard work to do, and then get tested again. And they don’t get immortality after all of that, either. In the meantime, the “lucky sperm CLASS” are sitting in heaven, eating caviar and playing harps and stuff without a care in the Universe. And they get to make up all the rules the “unlucky sperm CLASS” has to follow for eternity! (I shudder to think what kind of rules Joseph Franklin Rutherford and Freddie Franz will make up.)
Does anyone but me find it the least-bit ironic that one’s entire and eternal destiny is based upon what can’t be anything other than an accident-of-birth?
Now, we can further simplify those two major pieces of the JW doctrine into just one piece: 99.9% of the world is so wicked, they deserve to be slaughtered and that someones are going around warning everybody about it. Those two pieces can actually be coalesced into one piece, since they are so closely tied to each other.
There IS a possibility that all of that is true though, and we need to discuss it. God is not one to be messed around with. Consider,
1) God confounded the languages of the entire planet, and forced people to split up and find new friends who spoke those new languages. Their crime? They decided it would be a nice idea to build a high-rise office building.
2) God nuked a guy on the spot. His crime? He tried to save the holy Ark of the Covenant from falling to the ground and breaking.
3) God turned the wife of a faithful patriarch into a salt-lick. Her crime? Waving goodbye to the people in the city God was ALL turning into salt-licks, that’s what.
4) A women’s husband was having the crap beat out of him by the town bully, so she comes to his defense by kicking the bad guy in the nuts, temporarily disabling him. Her punishment? Whacking off her arm.
5) A bunch of testosterone-filled kids are teasing an old man who just happens to be a prophet. Their punishment? Becoming a nine-course meal for some bears. I’m sure that for those poor kids, that was NOT a very pleasant experience.
6) A guy by the name of Judas commits a crime equivalent to burglarizing a 7-Eleven store. His punishment? Version one: he hangs himself. Version two: he disembowels himself. Version three: he hangs AND disembowels himself. This seems a bit strange, since the guy went out of his way and made sure one of Jehovah’s prophecies was actually fulfilled.
But Jehovah can be playful and forgiving, too. Take Lot. He screws both his daughters and gets them pregnant. In a way, I can’t blame him. No one likes to screw salt-licks. Lot then gets praised in the book of Hebrews for being so righteous. He probably got away without having to pay any child support, too. Trivia question: under what circumstances can one have 4 children and 2 grandchildren with only 4 people total? How would you explain this to your average census-taker?
Take David. He screws a guy’s wife and sends the poor guy to the front lines of battle, guaranteeing certain death. God kills David’s son, but lets him keep the dead guy’s wife for fun and games.
Take Jacob. He had to wrestle an angel or he wouldn’t get God’s blessing. No wrestling, no blessing. Maybe he didn’t want to wrestle that angel, but he had to wrestle that angel, anyway. Then God gives him a lifetime of gimpy legs for doing what God required him to do to get God’s blessing in the first place. The Bible calls this “teaching humility.” I call it “entrapment.”
God to Jacob: “You want my blessing? Then wrestle with this angel. When you’re done wrestling, I’m going to cripple you, though. With my blessings, of course.”
Jacob to God: “What if I don’t wrestle with that angel.”
God to Jacob: “I’ll kill you.”
Jacob to God: “Ok, I’ll wrestle. You’re such a prankster, God.”
So yeah, God does have a humorous aspect to his Godness, but he is also what some people would call “strict.” According to the one-dimensional religion of JWs, he’s soon going to murder about 6,000,000,000 men, woman, children and babies. What is their crime? Is it because:
1) Humans have reduced poverty to its lowest level in human history?
2) Humans have eradicated diseases and plagues that have decimated cultures for millennia?
3) There is more freedom from tyranny on earth than ever before in human history?
4) People live longer and are more healthy than ever before?
5) Infant mortality rates are the lowest they’ve ever been?
6) Famine is the lowest it has ever been and is near the brink of being eradicated?
7) The standard of living on earth is at its highest level EVER?
NO! It’s because those who’ve accomplished all these feats for the good and welfare of mankind are all WICKED and deserve eternal death!
But why are they all wicked? Because they simply don’t believe the words of those .1% of their fellow men who are running around telling them the Good News of God’s Kingdom. What is that “Good News?” It’s that the listeners are WICKED and are about to be slaughtered for not listening to that Good News.
“Good News” = you are about to die.
“Why am I about to die?”
“Because you won’t listen to the Good News.”
“What’s that Good News, again?”
“Those that listen to it won’t have to die.”
“Listen to WHAT?”
“Listen to the fact that you are about to die, dummy!”
Ouch! I’m getting a big circular headache from trying to understand this one-dimensional religion. At least it’s only a one-dimensional headache.
Farkel