An Interview with an Apostate: happy@last

by happy@last 8 Replies latest jw experiences

happy@last

Tell us a little about yourself and your family.

Born in the 1970s in Glasgow, currently married, 2 children in their early teens

Were you a born in or a convert?

Neither, my mother became a JW when I was 7, she was a single parent by this time having divorced my father.

Are your parents / family JWs?

Mother, brother and sister. My father is not and never has been

How many generations have been JWs?

Started with my mother

Did you hold any position in the WTS? (MS, Elder etc...)

Ms then elder for 10+ years

Did you *really* believe in the bible, in spirits (angels, demons)?

I did, though I never thought anyone could actually read my thoughts. I tested the demons a few times just to see if they existed, turns out they weren’t interested in me/don’t exist.

Did you get baptised? When and why?

Yes, in Crystal Palace when I was 15, the reason was I wanted to be happy and thought I would be by dedicating my life to god

What was the initial trigger that made you start questioning things?

There are a few things I can point to, the hypocrisy I saw when I was about 17 years of age got to me, I put it down to imperfect humans, the biggie was when the monster who abused me over a period of 5 years was reinstated.

Where did you find information? Internet sites? Books?

I read CoC, and then found silentlambs, then JWSurvey, then JWN. To be fair these only reinforced what I already worked out for myself.

How difficult or painful was the process of leaving?

I had a nervous breakdown when I knew I could no longer cope with the realization that it was all a sham

Was it a big dramatic exit or a careful quiet fade?

Careful and quiet for me, dramatic for everyone else.

Did you convince anyone else to leave with you?

My youngest child, still trying to save my eldest child

How were your family relations affected by your decision?

The relationship with my wife is strained anyway, it was just another thing to argue about. It was confusing for my children to see something I had spent all my life committed to suddenly being very anti about.

Were you or are you still being shunned by those who didn't leave?

My family do not shun me, my wife’s family do, though they did anyway! I find it funny how certain JWs squirm when they see me in the street.

How long have you now been out?

Just over 2 years

Was there anything you looked forward to doing when you left?

Having some 'me' time

What are you most proud of achieving since you left?

Saving my youngest from the clutches of a cult

Is there anything you miss about life in the congregation?

Nothing

Red pill or blue pill? Do you regret waking up to reality at all?

No regrets at all, wished I had taken the red pill sooner

Did you become an atheist or transfer your faith elsewhere?

I believe I was a Deist for a long time before I stopped, now I do not want to believe anything I cannot see

How do you now feel about religion in general?

Cruel man made way of controlling people

Do you feel any guilt celebrating xmas or birthdays or doing any other JW "no-no"s?

Not at all, I remember them from when I was little and enjoy them just the same now without giving it a second thought

Have you attended any face-to-face meetups of ex-JWs?

Yes, someone on the forum said they would be working close by and did anyone want to meet up for a pint. I offered and met up for a meal, it was very pleasant exchanging stories.

Describe your circle of friends - mostly other ex-JWs or regular people?

50/50

Do you tell people about your JW past?

No

Do you feel animosity or pity toward current JWs?

It depends on my mood, sometimes I feel angry and wonder how they cannot see reality for themselves, other times I think they do and don’t want to think their life has been all a waste of time and they hold onto a hope, and then I feel sorry for the little old sister who tries her best believeing all she has been told.

How do you respond to witnesses when they call at your door?

I smile, tell them how well I am (they always says I am looking very well), and wish them a pleasant day.

Storm the barricades or tend to the wounded? (do you favor activism or support)

I used to storm the barricades, it didn’t work for me, now I am happy to offer support

What do you think is the most effective approach to reaching people still in?

Only approach when they experience a crisis, failing this they are under mind control

Do you think the WTS can or should be destroyed, will continue on as-is or grow / change?

It should be, I don’t think it can be. I do not see it growing much though.

How has your life been impacted by your JW past?

It affected all the major decisions I made as a youth, and they are different decisions I would have made had I had no dealings with JWs.

Are there things in your life you blame the WTS for?

I blame me for having been influenced by them, I can’t blame them for making decisions for me. I would never have married when I did, who I did. I would have had a different career.

JW upbringing - a protection or a curse?

Curse, I was abused by a JW pedophile for many years and had no friends due to being ‘no part of the world’.

How do you fill your time now it's not filled with meetings and field service?

I work, spend time with my children, time with friends, visit interesting places, learn card tricks, watch TV, eat good food, drive fast cars, live my life.

Do you still have an interest in JW beliefs and doctrines?

Not at all, I feel sick to my stomach looking at any literature and get angry hearing their beliefs and doctrines

How much of your time is still spent on JW related matters?

Just the time I am on JWN, and the few hours it took to build www.x-j-w.org

What do you think of the ex-JW community?

It can be a bit of a no mans land, unless you are an ex JW you cannot describe to anyone what it is like, I feel happy for ex JW’s and hope they can truly find peace of mind

Do you see yourself still being associated with the ex-JW community in 5 or 10 years time?

Perhaps, I don’t like to categorize people

Do you fear the future?

No, what will be will be

What advice would you give to anyone starting the journey of leaving the WTS?

Never stop asking questions, be true to yourself

What would you change in your life if you could go back and talk to yourself?

Do not get baptized, walk away when you first had doubts

Do you have any regrets about life since you left?

None

Can we read your life-story anywhere? (links to online or books)

Maybe one day, I am still on my fading journey and still have some loose ends, once I have closed the final chapter I might write it all down
zeb

onya Jock!
happy@last

I wrote it without a Scottish accent :-)
dazed but not confused

Thanks for sharing.

Good luck with the "loose ends" you need to tie up.
Bethel Dark

Tell us a little about yourself and your family

I am the father of four, grandfather of two. None are witnesses. I am divorced.

Were you a born in or a convert?

Virtually born in. I was four or five when my mother got baptized.

Are your parents / family JWs?

Both parents are JWs, though my dad was disfellowshipped and reinstated twice. Both of my sisters faded long ago.

How many generations have been JWs?

My paternal grandfather and grandmother were JWs. He died when I was five. My maternal grandmother got baptized in her 80s.

Did you hold any position in the WTS? (MS, Elder etc...)

I was a ministerial servant. I had also been a Bethelite.

Did you *really* believe in the bible, in spirits (angels, demons)?

Yes, definitely… in fact, I still quote liberally from it, but just to prove a point now.

Did you get baptised? When and why?

I got baptized in 1972, just before my 13 th birthday because I thought it was the natural progression of things. Of course, my mom though it was because she was dating and that I wanted to get her in trouble.

What was the initial trigger that made you start questioning things?

It’s hard to pinpoint a precise date but issues kept coming up. When I was 13, a close friend of mine who was the same age was molested by a married ministerial servant and got publicly reproved. It didn’t seem right to me that he should be punished for something an adult did to him. Before I went to Bethel I was in love with an elder’s daughter. I went to him honorably and he tried to discredit me and humiliate me. When that didn’t work he fabricated stories about me. When his daughter wouldn’t stand up for me I went to Bethel, thinking things would be better if I “fulfilled my vow to Jehovah”. It was my first real exposure to institutional racism, the first time I heard nigger jokes. I saw sisters throwing themselves at brothers. There was a big gay scandal. There was “The Bethel thief” who stole thousands of dollars’ worth of stuff from fellow Bethelites and of course, the Ray Franz disfellowshipping happened when I was there. Later, in my 20s, the Society reversed its position on carrying weapons at work and forced brothers to give up their jobs or lose all privileges, including commenting at meetings. I just stopped coming until I got disfellowshipped.

Where did you find information? Internet sites? Books?

None of the above.

How difficult or painful was the process of leaving?

I was disfellowshipped so it was difficult. I felt I hurt my mom and others who had looked up to me. I was dating a real good sister at the time and I felt unworthy.

Was it a big dramatic exit or a careful quiet fade?

No, it wasn’t quiet at all. A woman I was involved with said she had a child by me. I went to the elders though I hadn’t been to the hall in a while, mostly for my mom’s sake. The committee meeting was contentious, particularly when this one elder, whose person history of fornication and adultery I had known, was particularly aggressive with me. I guess his hypocrisy got the best of me and I gave as good as I got. Of course, I was disfellowshipped. I felt really badly for the sister I was seeing. I loved her but she wanted to maintain her virginity and as a cop I had women throwing themselves at me. The foul thing is that about nine years later, I found that the child wasn’t even mine.

Did you convince anyone else to leave with you?

No, it was just me.

How were your family relations affected by your decision?

It’s really hard to say. My sisters don’t talk to me but that’s because of their own issues. They left the Hall long ago. My mom has always considered me somewhat of a disappointment anyway. When I got 85s in school she wanted 90s. When I got 90s she wanted 95s. I never quite measured up so I finally figured out it made no sense to try. Again, getting disfellowshipped was only a part of it. The fact that none of her children are in “the truth” has made her feel like a failure.

Were you or are you still being shunned by those who didn't leave?

I don’t even know where most of those people are any more. It has been many years so I wouldn’t even care.

How long have you now been out?

Almost 20 years.

Was there anything you looked forward to doing when you left?

Living on my own and having sex. I found I was better at the latter than the former but it was great to do both without fear or anxiety.

What are you most proud of achieving since you left?

I became an emergency medical technician. I have eight pre-hospital life saves and responded to Ground Zero on 9/11 and to Louisiana to assist Hurricane Karina rescue and recovery. I became a father and a grandfather.

Is there anything you miss about life in the congregation?

I miss a couple of my close friends, but I never had many.

Red pill or blue pill? Do you regret waking up to reality at all?

Red pill. Reality is so much better, even though life hasn’t been easy. The pressure I was constantly under to be perfect and to stand scrutiny is finally gone.

Did you become an atheist or transfer your faith elsewhere?

Initially I pursued Islam, and then I just settled in to a spirituality not based upon any particular religious philosophy. I’m probably now leaning toward agnosticism.

How do you now feel about religion in general?

I have no use for organized religion and feel that people can be good and caring and loving and noble without it.

Do you feel any guilt celebrating xmas or birthdays or doing any other JW "no-no"s?

Not really. I don’t really celebrate anything except the occasional birthday.

Have you attended any face-to-face meetups of ex-JWs?

Not yet.

Describe your circle of friends - mostly other ex-JWs or regular people?

Mostly regular people. I’ve been away from the Hall for twenty years now so that whole sphere of influence is a distant memory.

Do you tell people about your JW past?

Yes, I think it gives them better perspective on my thoughts and idiosyncrasies.

Do you feel animosity or pity toward current JWs?

I feel animosity toward certain elders and to the organization as a whole. As far as the rank and file, I used to feel pity but, especially after speaking with my mother, I realize that they are in a state they want to be in and that if they wish to really see what’s in front of them they can… but many won’t for selfish reasons.

How do you respond to witnesses when they call at your door?

I usually don’t respond or I simply say “No, thank you” and leave it at that. I know that any intellectual discussion is lost on them.

What do you think is the most effective approach to reaching people still in?

If you can get them to think independently, and ask questions that they can’t give a pat answer to, it may be possible to cause them to reassess things but I think they must first already see things that raise questions in their minds.

Do you think the WTS can or should be destroyed, will continue on as-is or grow / change?

They are no different than any other religion in my eyes. They are self-absorbed and convinced they are the only true religion. I’ve seen Jews, Catholics and Muslims who feel the same way. Life will happen to them like it happens to everyone else.

How has your life been impacted by your JW past?

My relationship with my mother has always been strained as I was never quite all she expected of me. I lost someone I loved because of the puritanical restrictions. I lost close friendships. I had to learn about the reality of life the hard way, having been fed this rosy picture of the world and my place in it. I had a case of arrested development which caused me to commit many errors in judgment someone with more street knowledge would not have fallen prey to. I did learn public speaking and hone debate skills but instead of going to law school where I could have parlayed those skills into a decent living, I simply use them for my own edification.

Are there things in your life you blame the WTS for?

Yes, with my naiveté being first and foremost. I did not learn how to be social. I did not learn how to navigate life’s ups and downs or to move successfully within the real world. I did not take advantage of several opportunities because “the world is going to end soon”.

JW upbringing - a protection or a curse?

If I weigh everything carefully, I’d say it was a curse.

How do you fill your time now it's not filled with meetings and field service?

I do volunteer work or a few organizations.

Do you still have an interest in JW beliefs and doctrines?

I like to know what’s going on and I like the feeling I get when I drop things on my mom she thinks I’m not supposed to know.

How much of your time is still spent on JW related matters?

Besides my posts in JWR, I don’t spend much time on it at all. I moderate a group on an alternative lifestyle site but it is moderately active.

What do you think of the ex-JW community?

They are like everyone else. Yes, some seem to want to hold on to the bitterness, but I find it a waste of energy. Some are really cool, but others have traded one opinionated judgmental state for another. Relax… life is too short.

Do you see yourself still being associated with the ex-JW community in 5 or 10 years’ time?

Maybe to some extent.

Do you fear the future?

Not in the dread of Armageddon sense. I am a first responder with cancer so I have all the normal concerns related to that.

What advice would you give to anyone starting the journey of leaving the WTS?

Prepare yourself for “separation anxiety.” Research your stance and be sure of your reasons. Understand that many with whom you used to associate freely will view you as a pariah, but also understand that they were never really your friends in the first place. Once you start, do not turn back. It is easy to run back into the darkness that you wiere comfortable with, but while the light may hurt your eyes at first, the benefits far outweigh the deficits, though it may not seem so initially.

What would you change in your life if you could go back and talk to yourself?

I might have done what many of my peers did and not gotten baptized and moved off on my own when I was of age. Some of the mistakes I made in my 20s were due to my lack of real knowledge and being sheltered for too long.

Do you have any regrets about life since you left?

I did have some… but now I don’t.
Retrovirus

Welcome, Bethel Dark!
DS211

Thanks for the experiences!
clarity

Bethel Dark ..... omg we seemed to have missed you

on your first post!!!!! Thank you for your life experiences

and welcome to this site!

*

I hope you are still here, so sorry I haven't seen you.

I think your post was stuck in with happy@last's post &

missed.

clarity
KateWild

I only just read this in active topics. Thank you for this nice interview, happy@last. Kate xx

Welcome Bethel Dark

An Interview with an Apostate: happy@last

Share this