Tell us a little about yourself and your family.
I am now a single mother of two beautiful little girls. I grew up in an urban setting with lots of cultural diversity that I honestly cherished as a child. There's nothing better than going to elementary school with African-American, Italian, Puerto Rican, Indian, Vietnamese, Cambodian, and Jewish kids. I spent my summer visiting with family from my country of origin, and they are the best memories I have as a child. My parents had a nice little farm just down the hill from my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. The views from the top of that hill are stunning. I have witnessed the changes in the landscape from that hilltop. I was always in the top of my class in school and participated in many afterschool activities. By the time I hit high school, I joined the school's Junior Varsity and Varsity soccer, basketball, and softball teams. I also played the flute in the school's Orchestra. Participating in these teams and being in the Orchestra boosted my self-confidence and perserverance.
Unfortunately, there are several negative markers in my childhood. I was sexually abused as a little girl from the ages of about 3 or 4 to about 8 or 9 by my babysitter's son. My father was a raging alchoholic mourning the death of his youngest brother. I say raging because he was very violent against my mother, and I witnessed too many of these episodes. I knew that every other Friday would bring drama to the household, as it was payday. I also knew that whenever he went away for Duty (National Guard) he would come back a complete mess. I was bullied as a child because of my physical appearances-- basically, I looked like a dork. I finally escaped the bullying when I switched schools in 7th grade.
I attended a prestigious University here on the East Coast, studying international relations with the children of heads of state. It was the best experience of my life. I made friends, and I lost friends, but I didn't care as much about them as I did my education... Sadly, I met a man who completely lied to me about who he was, and by the time I found out-- nearly 6 months later, I was immersed in a physically abusive relationship. I was 19 at the time. I managed to break loose from that relationship with the help of one of my University deans, my parents, and the director of the Women's Center on campus. They found me emergency housing, and when I finally broke down into a deep depression and could no longer handle my studies, they provided me with a leave of absence, allowing me to continue my education without tarnishing my academic record. Amazing, really....
During the time that I was in my deep depression, I met my future husband. He was an inactive jw partying in the "world." I didn't know anything about jws, and it wasn't until we were a couple and intimate that he shared this information with me. I didn't care... I was Catholic! Soon after, I started studying with the Witnesses during my leave of absence. I attended all of the meetings and studied with a sister 2 hours at a time. I didn't know my Bible, and I was impressed that I was finally learning. The Bible promise of a Paradise Earth struck a deep chord with me due to all of the suffering I endured as a child and had recently experienced. Feeling as if Jehovah reached out to me and gave me my husband, I married my girls' father at only 21 years old.
Were you a born in or a convert?
I was a convert. I got baptized out of love. By the time I got baptized, I was 23 years old. It was 2 years into the marriage. I liked going to the meeting because I loved being with my husband. Shortly after we got married, he was disfellowshipped. He was reinstated about a year after we were married. It was very rough for us as a couple. We switched congregations in the middle of it all, and he was forced to endure another six months worth of shunning from the brothers. I didn't understand a lot of it, and of course, I defended him to everyone and anyone that listened. I knew he was a good man and I refused to accept their interpretation of him as being wicked. It also came out that many blamed me for his being disfellowshipped. I was the "worldly girl," you know the deal...
Anyways, that bad experience was tempered by two facts-- Wherever he was, I wanted to be. He wanted the meetings, so we'd go. Also, I had made so many friends in the congregation. It felt so good to be able to talk to people that seemed so trustworthy and told me they loved me. When I was in the abusive relationship, my two best friends dropped me. They completely dumped me in my most trying time. My other friends didn't do any better. They also disappeared. So the love shown by the JWs impressed me. I so badly wanted to be LOVED.
Are your parents / family JWs?
None of my family are JWs, thank goodness. My mother studied for some time when I was a little girl but stopped the study. My father studied when he was a teenager and even went out in service. That all stopped when he was sent to Vietnam. After I got baptized, he studied for a little while with the Witnesses. He stopped the study also. My brother studied for a very short time, but stopped as well. I was the only JW.
How many generations have been JWs?
My husband (soon to be ex) has a longer lineage of JWs. His parents are JWs, and so was his grandmother. His grand aunt and her husband was a special pioneer in his home country. His aunts are all JWs. His brother is a JW... So I would say he is 3rd generation JW. However, he is now disfellowshipped and no longer attends meetings in the hopes of being reinstated.
Did you hold any position in the WTS? (MS, Elder etc...)
No. I auxiliary pioneered at least once a year over the summer. I thought about being a pioneer, but I knew I couldn't handle dealing with other people's problems at such an intimate level. I didn't want that responsibility. I had enough issues of my own, I thought.
Did you *really* believe in the bible, in spirits (angels, demons)?
YES! When I started studying with the Witnesses, I was going through some awful trauma in my life. I remember crying in the shower, wailing for God to help me. Then the Witnesses entered my life through my husband. An angel directed us together, I thought. I felt blessed. I had experienced the demons, and now I finally had my God and my angels.
Did you get baptised? When and why?
My decision to get baptized was a rather quick one. I had already been studying with a pioneer sister for some time. I often was the only one who went out in service with her. It was a not very zealous congregation. I was preaching up to 30 hours a month and was attending all of the meetings. I didn't see the need to get baptized because I was already doing everything the Bible required. Then some brother gave a talk about working at a construction site but never approaching the boss for an official job. Payday comes, and you don't get a check. Why? Because you never officially signed up. I remember the talk made me angry. I thought, "I am doing ALL of this and I still won't get to be in Paradise?!" Should've been a flag. Anyways, the D.C. was coming up in 3 weeks and I told them that I was to be baptized at that convention. They quickly got together and divided up the questions, and I was approved for baptism. That was in 2001.
What was the initial trigger that made you start questioning things?
There were a number of things that didn't sit right with me the entire time that I was a JW...
- They spoke against education and afterschool activities. I let it be known to my husband that if we had kids they would be participating in those activities, they would get an excellent education. Every single time it was brought up at the meeting, I would always remind him. I was not even close to being moved about the dangers of associating with "worldly people." I was on teams so I knew the real deal.
- Not to mention, I knew a girl who gave up her job as a Museum Curator at the Smithsonian (!!!!!) in order to pioneer. Her father lived in California and wasn't able to reason her out of it. She was a convert. That was the worst experience I ever heard at a DC. I even told her she was nuts. She told me I was nuts. Nah, I couldn't believe that.... What sane person gives up a job at the Smithsonian (?!??!?!)
- One day, I showed one of the sisters who gave me study sketches from my life drawing class. There were nudes. She was shocked and told me to put them away. A brother might be stumbled! I said, wow! Really! Because I've been drawing nudes since I was in 10th grade. It's not a big deal. The human body is beautiful. I thought her reasoning was childish and dumb.
- I was privately reproved. The experience of going before a JC seriously SUCKED. It was awful and traumatic and deeply embarrassing. I hated those men afterwards for asking so many detailed questions to me in front of my husband. I felt like they took away my dignity and my husband's manhood. They also insisted that I committed fornication when I absolutely DID NOT!!!!! But they wouldn't hear it. I thought I would receive help, guidance, understanding, love. Noooooo..... instead I was judged, trampled on, mistreated. I survived as a jw because my husband endured the pain with me and we dedicated our energies to going out in service together to improve our marriage.
- The treatment I received from the PO in the second to last congregation we were in. He made it clear to me that he thought all of the problems in the marriage was because I was not a submissive wife. Freaken crap! He didn't even know me and he made that judgment of me. I was livid, and honestly, very deeply hurt. There I was, trying to do my best as a wife and as a JW and I heard that. I heard that for the next 6 years in that congregation... We could not escape how our marriage started (he marrying a worldly girl and being disfellowshipped) and me being outspoken & educated.
Soon after we switched congregations, my husband went through a very bad bout of depression. He did not go to the meetings for 6 months. The utter lack of love, care, or concern from the elders and the brothers was demoralizing and soul-sapping.
Of course, there were many other things that made me unhappy while I was a JW. I was tired of giving up my life for the religion. My husband and I stayed up late nights talking about whether we wanted to continue being JWs for the last 3 years of our marriage. I was miserable dealing with the brothers and sisters in the congregation with all of their judgmentalism. My husband, too. We just wanted to live our lives and be happy. But then there was that push to auxiliary pioneer for the first time with only 30 hours. My husband was very excited, and we decided to do it together as a family to bring us closer to each other. I remember very well that we were in love at the time. (You know marriages go through cycles, at least ours did.) The beginning of the end took place in that special month of auxiliary pioneering, on the night of the Memorial.
I remember laughing at the brothers in the parking lot touting honor and pride at being a parking lot attendant. I told my husband, "These men look like fools thinking this is a privilege. They have nothing else in their lives, and this jw privilege was it." He didn't like the comment, of course, but agreed for the most part. Anyways, it was a lovely Memorial and afterwards our friends invited us to eat dinner at their house. My family was amongst a group of MS's, elders, and their pioneer wives. One of the MS's was upset that noone listened to him about where to sit. (He was the usher, what's the term we used for that? I don't remember...) He said, "These people will not make it into Paradise since they can't even be obedient about where to take a seat." I LOST IT. I literally told the MS, "Who do you think you are to determine who makes it into Paradise?!" I ripped into him. I had had enough. There was arguing back and forth. I don't remember too much fo the details anymore. When everyone left (they quickly ate up their dinners and ran out of my friends' house), my good friend -- who was an elder-- told my husband and I that I acted out of line.... not because I was wrong-- because he admitted that I was RIGHT in my reasoning... I was out of line because I was a woman reprimanding a brother in the congregation. When I heard those words, I dropped my head andimmediately thought, "That's it! I am done..."
Soon after, the straw that broke the camel's back was my education.... I was studying to get my Master's degree, all possible because of a fellowship that I won. Part of the fellowship required spending a month away from home studying while living on campus with 49 others that won the fellowship for their home state. The experience was liberating and eye-opening. I had great conversations and intellectual discussions with great "worldly" people. I met influential people-- powerbrokers!-- in U.S. government. I was in my version of heaven. When I arrived at home for the 4th of July weekend, I immediately began crying. I told my husband that I just could not go back to the teeny, tiny world of jw meetings... I wanted the world! I didn't know TTATT yet. Actually it would take another 2 years. But I was done with the sexism, the pettiness, and the small-mindedness of the meetings, service, and the brothers. It all fell apart on its own.
Where did you find information? Internet sites? Books?
I didn't finally learn TTATT until after I was disfellowshipped in February. My marriage had fallen into complete disarray after my fellowship experience. Domestic violence-- physical. mental, and emotional abuse and adultery took over the marriage. The elders honestly did not care. Sure, I saw some teary eyes at the JC. But they proceeded to disfellowship me even though I told them that 1- I loved my husband and was working hard to save the marriage 2- I loved Jehovah, and will always love him 3- I loved Jesus, and appreciated his sacrifice. I was profoundly wounded by the DV at home. I was ashamed and embarrassed by it. I told them so. I had noone to talk to. I had no friends. My family lives in another state. I was completely isolated. None of these things mattered to the elders.
It was about 3 months after being disfellowshipped, in the beginning of the summer, when I googled "disfellowshipped and lonely." I came across JWN and jwfacts, and the rest was history. I read most of Crisis of Conscience and I read all of Steve Hassan's first book.
How difficult or painful was the process of leaving?
Well, I was disfellowshipped, but the cognitive dissonance while I was in was deafening and debilitating. I could not stand it any longer. I was going crazy, and I thought I was the only one. I don't know why it never occurred to me to look up the JWs online. I regret that I didn't. I read the stories here of awakened JWs trying to steer their marriages out of that organization. I wonder if I had known TTATT if I would've been able to save our marriage and our family.
Was it a big dramatic exit or a careful quiet fade?
For a little bit, I went to the meetings with the goal of getting reinstated. But once I learned TTATT it was rough. I was especially hurt by the UN scandal, and reading about the Malawi/Mexico disaster. I just could not make myself go to one more meeting. My last meeting was this year's Saturday DC. In the sense that I was already disfellowshipped, I left quietly bc noone cared. However, up until the time my husband and I were disfellowshipped it was an explosive exit for us and everyone around us.
Did you convince anyone else to leave with you?
Nope. I am thinking about approaching my husband about TTATT. But I don't know. I feel a sense of responsibility towards him. I want him to be happy and to live life to the fullest without the Borg mentality playing in the background. I suspect he's been doing that already. We have been separated a year... Anyways, nope, NOONE.
How were your family relations affected by your decision?
My mother can't wait for the day when JWs come knocking on her door again. She wants to curse them out for being so unloving and hypocritical and unchristian in abandoning a family when they desperately needed help.
Were you or are you still being shunned by those who didn't leave?
I am being shunned, and I don't really care anymore. At first, it hurt, but I am so over it. I am working hard to make new friends. F&*! conditional love!
How long have you now been out?
I was disfellowshipped in February while still believing all the hype. I learned TTATT in May/June. I have been out since the 4th of July this year.
Was there anything you looked forward to doing when you left?
Holidays!!!!!!!!!!!!
I missed celebrating Christmas, such a beautiful time of year, and the decorations are so pretty. I had looked forward to starting new Christmas traditions with my family so I was very sad when I had to give that dream up. Little by little, I am working at starting those traditions with my little girls..
I especially, MOST especially, miss celebrating my girls' birthdays. They will have their first celebrations this year, and I am so excited! I also am looking forward to setting up playdates for them with their classmates.
What are you most proud of achieving since you left?
I was on the brink of abandoning my Master's when all of the DV started and the elders came into our lives. I am happy I stayed with it-- through much convincing of family and my one friend. I will be graduating in May 2014. Exciting!
Is there anything you miss about life in the congregation?
I miss the dinner parties. Going to someone's house for a great meal, having our friends over for dinner too. I miss that. Otherwise, NO! I had stopped going out in service on a regular basis the minute I had my babies-- it was just too hard!
Red pill or blue pill? Do you regret waking up to reality at all?
No, I do not regret it AT ALL. I just wish I had known TTATT before the cognitive dissonance destroyed our family. That is my biggest regret. To be able to craft an exit with your family intact, now that is a TRUE privilege.
Did you become an atheist or transfer your faith elsewhere?
I am not an atheist. I still believe in God. I still believe in the Creator.
How do you now feel about religion in general?
I have not joined another spiritual community. I would like to, but I am very wary of religion now. We'll see what happens in the future.
Do you feel any guilt celebrating xmas or birthdays or doing any other JW "no-no"s?
NO! I had my first cigar over the summer. It was great! I am watching movies and shows I've always wanted to watch. I am looking forward to Christmas and birthdays again. I just wish I had money to decorate for Christmas, but I know that will come next year. No worries on that :-)
Have you attended any face-to-face meetups of ex-JWs?
No. I would like to, but I am also wary. We'll see what happens in the future.
Describe your circle of friends - mostly other ex-JWs or regular people?
I do not have a circle of friends. I am building it currently. The people I associate with are "regular" people.
Do you tell people about your JW past?
To those I know whom will be able to understand. So far, that's only 2 people. They both grew up in abusive households, so for some reason, the jw experience transfers.
Do you feel animosity or pity toward current JWs?
Animosity towards all of the elder bodies I have dealt with in my 13 years as a JW. Animosity towards the GB and DOs and COs.
Pity towards the average JW, especially the single sisters. I always knew that I was lucky that I was already married when I came into "the truth." Slim pickings in the congregation with so much competition to deal with! I am happy I stayed out of that scene entirely.
How do you respond to witnesses when they call at your door?
It hasn't happened yet. However, the Witnesses knocked on my friends door one fine Saturday morning and I had the pleasure of speaking with an elder for about 20 minutes over the phone. I asked him the Watchtower's charity work, and he said they help their own. I nearly flipped! I hammered into him the responsibility conveyed in illustration of the Good Samaritan. The elder got off the phone shortly afterwards.
Storm the barricades or tend to the wounded? (do you favor activism or support)
For those that are questioning, it is absolutely essential to have all those youtube videos, blogs, books, etc. The more information, the better. I believe spreading the word about how dangerous the Watchtower cult is is very important.
I believe support is crucial once you've awakened to TTATT. Being a Jehovah's Witness is difficult. Now, add the burden of learning TTATT. It is a hard one to bear. Support is necessary.
What do you think is the most effective approach to reaching people still in?
I have no idea. I've tried to reason with some of my friends that are still in about how wrong the disfellowshipping process is, but they won't wake up. The social connections amongst JWs is strong. It's difficult to start all over again. Noone really wants to do that, it seems.
Do you think the WTS can or should be destroyed, will continue on as-is or grow / change?
The WTS should be destroyed! Will it? I highly doubt it. Maybe it will die a slow death. The day it passes I will be there to celebrate on its tombstone.
How has your life been impacted by your JW past?
I spent 1/3 of my life in the borg. (I'm only 36). Hugely impacted! (See above)
However, it won't be that way for very long.
Are there things in your life you blame the WTS for?
The break-up of my marriage and my family.
The fact I have no real circle of friends in my life.
JW upbringing - a protection or a curse?
A curse. You can raise good, moral children without suffocating them.
How do you fill your time now it's not filled with meetings and field service?
Reading and posting here on JWN, going to nice restaurants, sleeping in on Saturdays, going to basketball practice with my girls, parks, museums, hiking... in general, I HAVE MY LIFE BACK!
Do you still have an interest in JW beliefs and doctrines?
Yes! I am shocked by all of the changes in doctrine since July. And, at the same time, I am happy about it. The religion I participated in passed away in July and morphed into an even uglier monster. I am free from the turmoil that would have caused me had I stayed. It's interesting to me, all these changes. I know the day will come when I am no longer as intrigued by their doctrinal blabbery and shenanigans.
How much of your time is still spent on JW related matters?
Only what I read here on JWN. Looking forward to the day I completely let go and just pop in once in a blue moon :-)
What do you think of the ex-JW community?
Survivors filled with courage, strength, and love! Lovers of truth!
Do you see yourself still being associated with the ex-JW community in 5 or 10 years time?
No, I really don't.
Do you fear the future?
No, I do not. I am hopeful about my future, my girls' future, and the future of humanity.
What advice would you give to anyone starting the journey of leaving the WTS?
Follow your gut instinct. It's almost never wrong!
What would you change in your life if you could go back and talk to yourself?
Love your husband, but live your life. It is possible to do the two at once. It requires patience and courage. You can do it! I love you.
Do you have any regrets about life since you left?
No, I am doing the best I can with what I have.
Can we read your life-story anywhere? (links to online or books)
I have posted pieces of my story in various posts all over JWN.
Want to share your own story? Please use the Interview with an Apostate: Template and post it in the Personal Experiences & Reunions section with the title "Interview with an Apostate: [your name or alias]"