A very good friend of mine has noticed my severe depression. She knows I go / going through difficult times and have allot I keep repressed. I kind of act bipolar I guess in that I can drop from high to low very quickly and dangerously. This isn’t new, I've just become bad at hiding it goddamn it. What she doesn't know is that I've been awake for almost 2 years now despite my regular spiritual habits (meetings, service, privileges, beliefs... etc). Basically I'm really captivated by science, at least agnostic, and don't agree with the legitimacy/literalness of much of the bible. I suspect she believes my rough childhood and emotional scars or maybe sins I've committed are what eat me up inside...and although some of that is legitimate I've never "sinned" or received discipline or reproval or anything...so I hope that's not what she suspects.
Anyways.... so my friend cares for me and has told me many times how much she prays for me. Like, I'm in her prayers everyday. Now, knowledge of this really moves me and melts my heart, while simultaneously tearing it apart. This friend is the same girl I've talked about in previous posts and it kills me I can't be honest with her. But what do I say to that? "Thanks?" It's such a meaningful act on her part yet I don't believe in it. She believes that Jehovah is always there for me and that he can take care of and comfort me more than she ever could...that her failings are no match for what Jehovah can give me. Thing is, SHE is the one I care about and SHE is the one who demonstrates her care towards me by the things she says and does...but as soon as she gets into god taking care of me I die.
She attributes all her amazing qualities to Jehovah and believes she'd be a horrible person without him. She's done allot in her young age including pioneering in poor countries on her own...and I want her to see that it is HER that has done these things. Her humility is genuine and commendable but misplaced.
She talked for a couple hours about how important I am to her. I mean come on, it destroys me to look in her eyes as she’s telling me this, telling me how much Jehovah loves me, and knowing she doesn’t know the truth about me, and that all it would take is one honest comment from me to tarnish myself and lose her forever. If Jehovah exists as JW’s believe he does, I’m Satan in his eyes for not being convinced and for secretly maintaining friendship with my best friend who went ‘apostate’. I literally couldn’t be a worse person in her opinion, if she only knew.
Just venting a bit... I don't usually post unless I really need to... sorry I don't contribute more ...I'm kind of a leech. But I haven't slept in almost 48 hours so I'm gonna give it a whirl here. Cheers.