And now Joseph speaks

donny

Well after the International Bible Student founder Charles Russell came to me in a dream a few days ago and gave his opinion on the current state of the Watchtower Society, his views evidently found their way to his successor, Joseph Franklin Rutherford a.k.a The Judge. Not to be outdone by his predecessor, he decided to invade my dreamland last night.

I was enjoying a view of Mt. Rainier when t o my right I heard the ever increasing sounds of mechanical breathing. As I turned my head towards the sound I saw a rather large, stocky dude with disheveled hair and a badly placed bow tie. After he had approached me he sat on my right side and for the first minute or so he did not say anything. He reached into an inner pocket of his dusty brown jacket and pulled out a bottle of Ulman’s Coon-Club Whiskey, removed the cap and took a big swig.

Then he let out a big “ahhhhhhhhhh” and the mechanical breathing sound resumed. Then her looked at me for about 30 seconds and then said “I know what Obi-Wan, I mean Charlie told you the other day and I want to clarify a few things. First, you don’t know the power of the dark side so how can you judge the Judge without hearing both versions.”

“Ok,” I sighed. “Go ahead and tell me your version of events Judgy Wudgy.”

“It was November of 1916. Ol’ Charlie had just kicked the bucket and me and six other directors of the Watch Tower Society were pondering on who was going to do what so we had a meeting. I wanted to be in charge so the others agreed but after a few months four of those sons of bitches began complaining that I had become autocratic, which I had. However they wanted me out so I used some of my great lawyering skills to boot their tired selfs out. I then convinced the shareholders that I was the Man and they agreed, so I became the undisputed head honcho of The Society. I then booted my wife Mary and my son Malcolm to the curb as I had no time to deal with a hank of hair and sack of bones.”

“And for a bit of clarification, things did not go easy for me at the beginning my fellow anointee. In 1917 one of my fellow comrades convinced me to let them release a book based on Charles writings called ‘The Finished Mystery.’ At a cursory read it sounded good but as one began to look at it intensely it became obvious the writer had been going a little heavy on the reefer. However many of the other religious leaders of the day, as well as some governmental types, were really pissed off at what was in it and we got a lot, and I mean a lot of publicity. So I let them continue printing the books which later caused me some grief, but what the hell, you have to live in the moment.”

“Anyhoo, over the next few years I discovered I could write shit that was just as bat crap crazy as Charlie, so I put out a booklet called ‘Millions Now Living Will Never Die.’ I knew it was mostly B.S., but my fans loved it so the next year I put those ideas in a full blown book and called it ‘The Harp of God.” I even had the balls to say that 1925 was going to see the end of the world! Well with hindsight it’s pretty obvious that harp was way the hell out of tune, but since I invented ‘auto-tune’, which I called new light, no one seemed to notice.”

“One of the things I really had a hard time getting rid of was that stupid assed teaching that Jesus came back in 1874. It was so imbedded in the minds of Charlie’s followers that I was never able to completely sift it out. I did let it fade to the background though and I emphasized 1914 more and more until few talked about the older date. I also had to put to rest that crazy crap about pyramids and God’s stone witness so I said it was built by Satan. I expected a huge backlash, but no one really seemed upset. God I love shoes sheeple!”

“But then I really screwed up. I had been railing against the exuberant lifestyle of various pastors and bishops of the day accusing them of fleecing their flock when I decided that I should have some of those same perks. What the hell was I going to do now? Well after a quick ponder I realized that most of the folks who follow religion are easily convinced about anything as long as you have a convincing story that seems at least a little plausible. So I came up with a really good one! (he chuckles for a bit) I really hated living in New York as it was a dirty place and the weather sucked big time!”

“I had recently visited San Diego and I really loved the place. So I cooked up a really good piece of bullshit. I told my followers that the resurrection of the old testament prince dudes was about to happen at any moment, you know those dudes mentioned in Hebrews chapter 8. And so I said that when they get resurrected those guys need a place to hang their hat so I had my, I mean Jehovah’s people, to build this big assed house in the hills of the city in 1929. Then I had the deed of the house made out to those still dead dudes and said that it would be theirs once they rematerialized.”

“Now here is the good part. (Chuckles again). I told my…I mean God’s followers, that until they actually showed up that I would be living there and taking care of this facility. I was expecting a bit of backlash, but those dummies took it hook, line and sinker brother!!! (gives me a high five) I was so damned happy with myself I went and bought a case of whiskey and got fucked up that night. It was brilliant. Then to bolster this whacked out claim even more I told everyone that San Diego’s geology, terrain and weather were so close to Israel’s that David, Moses, Abe and whoever decided to show up, would never know the difference. Isn’t that great?”

I nodded in agreement as he continued. “So I moved into the joint and gave it a name, Beth Sarim, which added even more support to my totally made up fantasy. I had it made in the shade guy!! I had a big assed house in a nice area and I could get myself shit-faced as much as I wanted. Yeah there were a few complainers like that Olin Moyle character, but overall my….I mean Jehovah’s folks, believed this myth. On some occasions several of my fellow brothers and sisters would get sloshed with me and we had a really good time! Man the hangover on the days following those parties was a mutha, but it was well worth it.”

I lived at the place until I finally keeled over. I had dispensed so much bullshit from my ass that I developed cancer of the behind and it finally kicked my ass on January 8, 1942. Just before I left I told everyone that my most recent book that I titled ‘Children’, was a tool of Jesus to be used in the remaining months before the Big One. Looking back on it, I have to laugh as that statement as absolutely none of it happened. Also having to deal with my old house became a big thorn for Nathan and Freddie's they decided to tell the idiots, I mean Jehovah’s people, that the princes were actually the elders in their congregation so they don't need a house. It was a total load but I can’t complain as all of my stuff was made up as well. You would think after I got some grief regarding 1925 that they would learn from that but nooooooooooooooo!. Nate let Freddie put out a bunch of bullshit that almost as bad as mine. He used my auto-tune feature on Bishop Usher’s chronology and came up with 1975 and we all know how that turned out! Way to go Freddie!”

Then the labored mechanical breathing returned as he stood up and looked with me at the beautiful view of Mt. Rainier. He looked over his shoulder as he began walking away and said “I hate to chat and run so quickly but there is 3 hours remaining in BevMo’s year-end sale. I gotta grab some Jim Beam. Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker and Jose Cuervo and go have a night out with the boys.”

“And in conclusion I must borrow a phrase from an Paul Harvey’s old radio program; ‘And now you know the rest of the story.’"

He asked me what a 'cunf' was. I explained it was a typo..... its before 9pm afterall.

donny

And to think that some of actually thought at one time God used him.

KateWild

Thanks donny. Bumped so more posters can see it. Kate xx

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