The Problem with FAMILY

by Separation of Powers 7 Replies latest jw friends

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  Separation of Powers

  I woke up early this morning. I had a dream that my mother had cut-me-off. It was a painful dream for me...but it was only a dream. When I awoke, I lay there in my bed trying to figure it out; trying to come to grips with the reality of what it would mean when I eventually cut ties (as I know I must). I realized something very profound. I realized that over the course of my JW existence, my family, my "fleshly" family, was never really close. In fact, when it comes to dysfunction, I think my family was just as dysfunctional as the rest (and still is).

  One of the things that hit me, though, was the fact that in many of the congregations that I attended when I was young or even as an adult had large families in them. These families would go places together in huge groups, go to reunions, camping trips, etc. And when it came to congregational stuff, they would fight for their kids to be used in the congregation or protect their family members tooth and nail when they were confronted with wrongdoing. What hits me...and this juncture...is the response of my family to THAT type of family. In short, we didn't care for them, any of them. They were nepotists, showing favortism, could do-no-wrong, all those other cliche responses. But, in reality, they were simply a FAMILY. A REAL family. A "never takes sides against the Family" family. A "never let anyone outside the Family know what you're thinking" family.

  Our family, in restrospect, was simply jealous because we gave up every real vestige of family for the organization. They didn't matter...really. THAT is the reason for the 'pain" in that dream, not that my mother had cut me off, but rather, that there never really existed any ties.

  SOP
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  Bruja-del-Sol

  I can understand what you're saying so well. My mother has cut me off, but the times that I cried over not having my mother when I needed her, I was actually crying that I never had a real loving, warm and caring mother at all. Our family was also very dysfunctional and I can also recall loving families in our congregations. My mother was always gossiping about them, how bad they were, how they thought they were better than others. One family in particular she really despised. Now my youngest sister is married to someone from that specific family. From what I've heard my mother now adores him and his parents (his father is an elder and my mother really hated the man when I was young). It really disgusts me when I hear these things and how she behaves now, as if she's always liked them...
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  jamiebowers

  My husband and I were just talking about this today. My jw mom has shunned me now for 26 years. The few conversations we've had were on the phone and involved my questions about family medical history and her hospitalization, (for which she refused to give me any information).

  In the unlikely event that she would ever leave the Watchtower Cult and begged for forgiveness for the shunning, and even the abuse and dysfunction that she and her husband heaped on my brother and me as children, I may be able to be civil to her, but I could never trust her.

  Quite frankly I don't miss her company, because our lives are so different. It would be difficult to have a relationship with her being a jw or not being a jw. The only thing I miss is having a normal mother, but there have been several older women throughout the years who have gladly taken her place.

  It seems to me that even those who are part of a close jw family don't have relatives with your best interest at heart. Limiting a person's choices in career, education, medical decisions, and sexuality doesn't seem very loving to me.
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  Hummingbird001

  I have recently come to the same realization about my family.

  I hear about other family's - adult siblings getting together, sisters hanging out shopping or going for lunch, moms who drop by to see their grandkids....it makes me sad.

  But my family was so dysfunctional. I realized that I missed the IDEA of family, but I didn't miss my own family.
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  Band on the Run

  My sister shunned me for more than 25 years. It had nothing to do with the Witnesses. I became ill and never heard from her again. My mom supported me in many ways. She would never explain why my sister shunned me. Nor would my mom ever admit it was strange. My sister and I talk now but I don't trust her at all. If I even mention the JWs or any family history in passing, she seems so uncomfortable that she will pass out. To this day, I do not know why she could not send me a used get well card when I was near death. Once upon a time, I thought if medical interventions became more dramatic, she might change her mind. I don't know why she talks to me now. I am not allowed in her house.

  I have suspicions that involve her husband, a total bigot and control freak. Local people think my sister is abused at home. Anway, whether it is the Witnesses or a husband, my sister is the one shunning me. I never relax with her. What I do notice is my own nervous patter. It is hard work when no one else is making conversation. It is very sad.

  I have no education in family relationships or family systems. Illness does not bring many people to you. I could boast her loss. It is her loss. The sad part is that it is my loss, too. I don't feel that I truly talk to my sister as deliver performance pieces. There are no exclamations. Just patter. Strangers feel bad b/c they assume my sister and I get together at Christmas, birthdays. No way.

  I have a fantasy about slipping some truth serum cocktail to her and asking her why.
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  kaik

  Disfunctional families are not only JW domain. I seen it both in and out of KH. My evil JW aunt had disfunctional family, shunned her ex-jw child, never bothered to learn about grandchildren as she believed that they were Satan's pawn in quest to weaken her faith to the publishing company. Her other JW relatives had issues with laws, unpaid debts (Big A would take care of it), etc. My parents are close, but my sybling did not talk to me for years after I walked away. I had really first close time last summer almost after 20 years. We had missed on a lot of things, children, family, etc. The time lost cannot be fixed.

  My wordly friends had disfunctional families as well. My good friend left family when he was 18 to join military to escape abusive parents, and have not ever talked to them or saw them for over 30 years. He has rastraining order against his parents and does not want anything to do with them. Other friend had wrench mother that was well know in my hometown as impulsive, argumentative woman constantly looking harrasing everyone around. Through the years, all her children left and her husband had divorces. She committed suicide. Only one child went to funeral. Other two did not. When I talked to them, they say they wish they had in life trully loving and carying mother, not a which who physicially abused them. So, you cannot choose your parents. Sometimes you had to let your family go and create family from people who cares about you.
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  Faithful Witness

  I have heard the comment or observation made to me (not sure where), about how the JW's are either obviously or sublminally discouraged from forming strong bonds with their children. Your relationship with Jehovah comes above all else. You are caring for and raising your children, out of obligation to Jehovah. Raise them up to serve Jehovah, or be prepared to discard them.
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  Xanthippe

  Thinking of my own mother, she was unhappy in her marriage, probably had depression when the JWs love bombed her into their religion. What did they do, give her companionship, somewhere fun to go and lovely things to fill her mind with? No they taught her that the world is a terrible place, the Devil is trying to hurt her and God's going to kill millions of people, including her husband.

  The dysfunctional families get scooped up by the crazy cults when these families are at their lowest ebb, resulting in families who are left in a worse state than they were before. Oh they may have squeaky clean homes and dress beautifully to the meetings but they have been systematically relieved of much of their normal human feelings. It happened to my family and it is so very sad.