Divided Households

by Lost Diamond 9 Replies latest jw friends

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  Lost Diamond

  I'm kind of new here...I don't post much, but I read the board almost daily. I have a question that maybe some of you might be able to answer, or at least give me some suggestions.

  I am divorced and have custody of 2 beautiful, well-behaved children, ages 9 & 6. Their father is a JW and I have drifted away, so I could say I'm mostly out of the org.

  When they are with me we do not go to meetings, but when they see their father every other wkend they go meetings with him and his wife, and sometimes to service.

  I have read that many of you were brought up in a divided household where one parent is a JW and the other is not. How has this affected you...emotionally? What do you all suggested I could do so my kids do not feel as though they are being pulled apart? If you had to go back, what do you wish you non-JW parent would have done, or not have done? How do you wish they would of approached holidays? I could easily do without out them, myself....

  I would really appreciate your input, since this is all very new to me.

  Thanks!!
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  COMF

  Don't talk badly about your ex, or about his wife.
  Hug your children a lot.
  Spend lots of time talking with them.
  Listen to them; ask their opinions of things. Don't be judgmental of what they say.
  Become someone they trust, someone they are comfortable with.
  Respect them. Respect their views. Let them see your respect.
  Teach them to think for themselves.
  Convince them that they are worthwhile, valuable, and lovable.

  Do this successfully, and you shouldn't have too much of a problem with JW meetings.

  The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
  Moves on: nor all your piety nor wit
  Shall lure it back to cancel half a line,
  Nor all your tears wash out a word of it.
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  DakotaRed

  I agree with Comf. However, I would subtly inquire as to just how much indocrination they receive while with the ex and his new wife. That indocrination can cause you all kinds of grief and give those wonderful kids some heavy complexes later on.

  If you have a religious belief of your own, maybe periodically discuss this with them and see how they respond. Whatever you do, don't directly accuse the ex of brainwashing them, even though he most likely is.

  I raised two daughters without the aid of the WT and only taught them general Bible knowledge, not affiliated with any particular religion. Of course, after becoming a JW myself, the elders condemned my efforts, even though both daughters display more Christian attitude than the average dubbie kid does.

  If God's Spirit is filling a Kingdom Hall, how is it that Satan can manuever the ones within that Kingdom Hall at the same time?
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  SusanHere

  Not a former JW, nor from a JW/nonJW household, but can I add a small comment anyway?

  I'd strongly suggest you find a church you can attend that you feel comfortable with, even if not "ideal" for you, just so that the religious indoctrination of a formal nature (i.e. meeting attendence, congregational hymn singing and praying, etc.) aren't all from one point of view that you can no longer support. If you don't want the JW lifestyle to be the one your children accept, you need to give them an alternative that is better, so that they can see the difference for themselves.

  Good luck and God bless.

  Susan
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  Beck_Melbourne

  Hi Lost Diamond...and I think COMF is right on!

  I agree 110%...its all about the kids. Never trash your ex in front of the kids...always be as supportive as is reasonable regarding his choices etc. My ex is a JW and we are divorced...its not easy...but over the course of time the kids have all decided that they don't want the 'troof' as a way of life...mainly because I never opposed their father's choice to take them to meetings and assemblies when he had them in his care. I would always ensure the kids had all their bags in order and their clothes nicely pressed....my ex used to appreciate the effort...but it was a give and take situation...as the kids were aware that I only did it to support their father...NOT because I believe in the teachings anymore.

  Good luck...keep us updated with how things go.

  Beck
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  teenyuck

  I agree with COMF and Dakota and Beck....

  My mother trashed my father and this created problems. Also, my stepmother bad mouthed my mother in front of us.

  My own experience is.....listen, ask them questions and wait for the answer, tell them you are there for them, no matter what. If they start becoming ardent JW's I would get all the data on JW's (young marriage rates, shunning, no blood, no education, inability to have or keep "worldly" friends, no holidays or birthdays). Present this info as they get older.

  The holiday stuff alone is bad for a kid...all the missed parties at school, etc. Does your ex allow them to say the pledge of allegiance? If not, this really creates a problem for young kids. They are immediately marked as different...this has long term ramifications on life.

  In spite of myself not wanting any religion now, I would have really liked to see how things really were. Taking them to various services, by various organizations can show them that other religions are not "evil." They are just average people trying to get their spirituality. This alone could show them the glaring differences between dubs and the rest of the world.

  I hope they are OK and not too torn between the two lifestyles. That is very hard. In spite of hating my stepmother, I would have preferred to live with her and my dad rather than my JW mother. I hated going out in service and sitting at those meetings.
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  out4good3

  A bunch of great advice given here. I can only add that you make sure you keep the lines of communication open with your kids. Talk with them constantly offering alternatives to the indoctrinating they are receiving and above all else, encouraging them to always think for themselves and question everything. They'll soon discover for themselves how suffocating and stifling being a JW is and make their way out without you firing a shot at your ex.
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  Lost Diamond

  Thank you all for you comments & suggestions. I agree with all of you and it makes perfect sence.

  I never ever bad mouth their father and I reminde them that he loves them very much. I constantly tell them that they are my top priority and they're at the "top of my list". My youngest constantly reminds me, "Mommy, it's because we're on top of your list, hu?" I strongly reasure her that they are. I'm able to speak to my 9 yr. old a little more in depth and I remind him that they are what matters most in my life.

  I too believe that reassuring them with words and lots of affection will go a long way in their lives. This has molded them to be pretty good children...the ladies at day care are always telling me what great kids I have and how well behaved they are...I am very proud of them and I tell them this whenever I get a compliment about them. I could'nt have asked for better children!!

  I could tell they get to feeling guilty when they do holiday artwork, but I tell them it's good practice and it teaches them art...there is nothing wrong with a tree, or spiders, or rabbits...etc. I just don't want them growing up feeling confused, but to realize there are choices in life. I hope I can make them see this, and hopefully they can grow up to make the right kind of choices for a happy and fulfilling life.

  Thanks again for all your comments!
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  pandora

  I would just like to agree with Puffsrule about taking them to a different church. I am not an advocate of religion, but,I was close to fourteen before I walked into any other church and I thought I was going to be struck dead for being there. Letting them know early on that there is nothing wrong with other religions is a good thing.
  I think exposing them to another teaching will go a long way in assuring that they have a more balanced view of religion.
  As you said Lost, they need to know they have choices.
  I agree completely and think this is a good way to show them that.
  -P(J)
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  Yerusalyim

  I have a mixed household, I concur with Pandora, and the rest. DOn't DIS the ex in front of the kids, expose them to other religions and religious ideas, celebrate holidays. If they bring up that the JW's don't do this or that, point out that this is NOT the only valid point of view.

  
  YERUSALYIM
  "Vanity! It's my favorite sin!"
  [Al Pacino as Satan, in "DEVIL'S ADVOCATE"]