your horoscopes, onion style :)
May 6-12, 2002
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You will be loud, obnoxious and a little erratic this week — but somehow, this will only add to your charm. (We never said, any of this astrology stuff had to make sense.)
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If you're the kind of person who holds the stare with a stranger longer, crosses a crowded room to initiate a conversation with said stranger, asks for a first date first, steals the first kiss, calls within two hours of leaving their apartment in the morning, sends flowers that afternoon, invites them to a family vacation the next day . . . well, then, just stop it! The thrill of the chase — ever heard of it? How about, Playing hard to get? No? Look: Calm, cool and collected are the ingredients for your booty recipe this week. Sit back, get laid back, get laid.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
A rolling stone gathers no moss. Then again, a rolling stone is a pain in the ass to hang around with. You want to watch a movie, they just want to roll down a hill; you want to go to dinner, they just want to roll down a hill; you want to spoon, they just want to roll down a hill. Moss is nice. Moss is soft and green. Moss is comfy to nap on in the woods.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Remember in Junior High there was that one girl who thought it was really cool to break down and weep at every party? She thought it made her seem complex and cute; just like in all those Molly Ringwald movies. She used to hug her knees and rock back and forth as "Total Eclipse of the Heart" played on a cassette in the background. She thought the guys would all want to swoop in and take her to a happier place. Yeah, well, it still doesn't work — not for her, and definitely not for you.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Did you get a new haircut? A new outfit? Have you been working out? Gone vegetarian? Finally discovered the simple joys of a finger up your bum during onanism? Whatever it is, it's given you a glow this week that cannot be ignored. Like mosquitoes to bright neon zappers, hotties will flock to you just to get burned.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
See the horoscopic advice we've given to Taurus, then just subtract the getting laid part. Unfortunately, all the people chasing you this week will probably be duds. Best to sit back, get laid back, and just take a nap.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Remember that Paul Newman quote about infidelity: "Why would I go out for a hamburger when there is steak waiting for me at home every night?" We give the sentiment two thumbs up (yay monogamy!), but the analogy is a little weak. Sometimes you do just want a hamburger, right? Especially when you've got no steak at home. You're just thinking ketchup, onions, tomato, cheese, the works. Especially this week. And right now, no one's making you choose between hamburger, steak, sausage, chicken, and the other white meat — so why should you? Just make sure that next week, you stick to lettuce leaves and carrots to give your heart (and soul, and genitals) a break.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
In the early stages of dating, you gotta sell the sizzle, not the steak. Play hard to get.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You may be in the mood, but whomever you're with will be looking for a commitment. Be sure you know what you're doing. Don't let your heart rule your head, or you may end up in a sticky situation. Note: This horoscope is null and void for Lo's Sagittarius boyfriend.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We kinda hate the saying "No one on their death bed ever wished they worked more." Obviously, people who use that phrase are lazy, unmotivated, and don't stress as much as they should. We know you're with us on this one, Cappy. That said, working late this week could apparently really mess up your chances of finding true romance, or at the very least, hot sex. We know, we can hardly believe it ourselves. Just force yourself to indulge in some social time this week, or you could end up on your deathbed saying, "If only I'd had more sex."
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Remember that scene in Naked Gun where Leslie Nielson says, "Everywhere I look, I see reminders of her" — and then the camera pans to two massive concrete bunkers that look like erect boobies, right next to a skyscraping phallus. That's what you've got to look forward to this week. But don't go humping cold, hard, unfeeling concrete structures just to scratch that itch: Warm human flesh may be easier to come by than you think. You just gotta ask. (Just don't ask them to come over and watch Naked Gun on video.)
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Sure, go right ahead and open your heart to that hottie you just met. Tell them all your hopes and dreams; admit to your deepest, darkest secrets; show them the porn collection under your bed; invite them home to meet your weird parents; leave a toothbrush in their bathroom; ask them their opinion on joint checking accounts. Just don't come crying to us when that hottie departs so fast they leave skid marks.
http://personals.theonion.com/personals/horoscopes/05_06_02/
how come the last 10 minutes of work always goes the slowest?????