I'm more settled about the whole 'it was a lie' stuff. I think it still makes me angry that people are being abused in this cult. But I no longer see it as my duty to get them out or anything. In the end, that has to be up to them to start the search on their own. Once that happens, it usually snowballs on its own. And I do feel sad that people I knew are never going to say hi and never going to know reality. It doesn't get to me too much, of course, since I was never really close to most of them anyway. I still feel a sort of primal fear about elders and that sort of thing, but...it's just hardwired. In my mind I know that there's nothing more to do with all that. I no longer need to prove anything to myself, I now know that it was a fiction.
I don't fear death any more than I usually do. It was always going to happen. Frankly, I'm looking forward to it. It's the culmination of how much life sucks. I just hope I can have a good 'Life At An End--At Last! Yard Sale, Where Movies and Games are $1' before I check out.
But I think the damage done to my personality still remains. I still have trouble saying no and standing up for myself. Of course, that also relates to upbringing and not just the cult.
Beyond that, I'm just living. I guess I think about it since I'm still married to the Mrs. and all, so the literature's strewn everywhere, also it was part of my life for like 25 of my 31.9 years, but...it's no longer as much of a preoccupation as it used to be. I don't read the literature anymore, at least it's been a good while since the last time I did. So I think things are okay. Not ideal, but for now, it's functioning.
--sd-7
