It seems different to everyone. Not trying to defer your thought, it's a good point.
Let's see, mine are a bit vague.
Doubts that creep around for years seem to be common. At least from my stand point as a born in. They evolve to, as you said, the questions of who you are, and what you believe. For me, it was asking the age ole "What if I am wrong?" That scared me so much, and I was so concerned with how others viewed me, I did deep research to appear spiritual in others eyes.
But after a few years, it doesn't seem to matter. There is always this lingering feeling you're doing something wrong without realizing it. You don't want to see your 'worldly' associates die on judgement day. Constant barrages of just how silly Intelligent Design is. (Thank God for forums) Being so conditioned to think about what some deity thinks of you is so self condeming. And you start to think that even being happy might be sinful. I know I did. And I'm still recovering from that line of thought.
Not to sound Pessimistic, but rather realistic, I am not sure Born Ins will ever be completely normal. I mean, considering how much are past can influence are future. Think of how important a Childhood is. So that if and when they learn TTATT, said person will try to live as rebelious as possible to make up for their losses, or linger in sorrow about what they didn't have. I like to think I can move on past all of this. And to an extent, yes, you can. But my memories will always have stains attacted to them. That sucks. Even the good memories have traces of JW all over them. It's why I personally try to make new memories with people who not only care about me, but I for them. Something that has nothing to originate with this sect. I know, I know. No regrets. Everything is a learning experience. I've heard that one before. No sense in feeling sorry for myself for somehing I had no control over. And when the time came, I made the best decision I could by leaving.
I think after some doubts, I know it sounds corny, but Love is a big impacter. For me, it came before the massive research phase. I am not even sure when it happened, but after years of researching feminism, and disagreeing with certain teachings. I met someone who would be considered 'Worldly' in the eys of WT land. And while it had come up before, I confronted it now with full force. The term worldly was a very negative label given to people who in their own right were capable of good and bad. And in this case, I had met someone who was good. And the thoughts that came with others reffering to this person as worldly, or saying that Satan works in mysterious ways, sickened me so much, I for once in my 19 years of going, considered the possibility again, a possibility I hadn't thought in 2 years, What if I am in the wrong religon? Who has the right to say any other religon is incorrect?
I usually refer to it as, Loving someone more than god. Being opened minded. I tried to be as open as I could given the circumstances. I was always very tolerant, despite others concerns. This site was like opening a world I never knew. I ate up all the topics young and old like I'd been starving. I spent hours relearning everything. Ploting an escape, trying to cope with knowing how ill prepared I was for anything outside the organization. Resenting the Governing Body. Which, that's the turning point for me. When I finnally admitted I didn't think the men in charge were God's direct channel. That I had to beleive first and foremost that their interpretation of the bible was correct, and I didn't. Revelation was just too far fetched.
Yeah, joining of the dots, 1914 being too insane to work, with my thoughts of how women were treated like second class citizens. It becomes a lot more clear. I remember the hardest part was coming to grips with my mortality. I'm fine now, but at the time, it was a scary thing to die.
Then it became death wasn't scary at all. But after that, I felt Death could only be scary if I had something to live for. I know that's really weird to get across. But for a time I contemplated Suicide after being rejected by my family, and just the scary concept of being co-dependent to an Org that didn't care about me. Yeah, Death seemed kind of nice at the time.
But I got a reason to live now, everyone's different, mines private. It's a healthy fear of death I think. To not actually be scared of a lack thereof of conscience, but that you would be leaving the people you love behind. It's made my existance more whole, and made me contemplate purpose closer, and feel a little more optimistic.
So yeah, all I do now, is work day to day, reading all the info I can and keep myself educated on matters. Associate more with real friends. Help them, learn from them, be there for them, and they for you. Not in a overwhelming way either, I do not wish to be uber rebelious. But yes, my current thinking conflicts with the WT. And that makes me very happy. Because I don't have to hide who I am anymore.
Exampe; I can be a somewhat sad person. In the org, I felt guilt for this because we couldn't bring reproach on God's name or people. Had to be a happy people. So I constructed a facade. Had to be happy all the time. Now that I am out, I felt free to be as sad as I wanted to. And only after that liberation am I starting to feel, a hell of a lot better about everything.
See, I have always been guilted that selfish thinking is wrong. I love Movies, Games, Literature, and more specifically, Storytelling. To pursue such might have been seen as an independent attitude. I felt bad about that. Now though, I can pursue it all without reproach. That feels amazing and relieving.
I'm trying to end this thing gracefully, but everytime I try to wrap it up with "Just get some friends. The Real ones." I think of a new experience to share. Just knowing how much better it is for you than being a JDub. Yeah it sometimes feels like they get more perks with their Christian duty to help others, but knowing how artificial it is, helps in confronting reality's.
Life's not easy, or even fair. But we can take advantage of our existance, leave are mark, help other people (That brings me such satisfaction) Learn, Love, Enjoy.
I refuse to live an ignorant life inside a bubble believing the world is out to get me. In theory it seems like it wouldn't help me sleep. But beleive me, I haven't slept this good in years. Holidays, Blood, Religon, Sex, Life, People, Fear, Hope, all have been turned upside down in my life. And I'll be spending the next few years re-evaluating just what kind of person I am. Because after all these years of conforming, I don't really know who I am. So with all this knowledge presented before me, I aim to be the best damn human being I can be.
Einstein said Morality doesn't need to be consistant or even related to Religon. Sympathy, Education, Social Ties. That's all you need. I've been well off from that alone. And think being open minded and kind have served me well. I'm listening a lot more to outside ideas. Practicing Yoga, searching for Truth and expressing joy. Not the fake Joy either. The real kind.
TL;DR: Cult Sucks. Live and Learn. Spend Life moving on. Love Yourself and others. Maybe leave a mark. The End. (And maybe it won't be the end. Guess we'll find out together)
