Update: Compromise of sorts reached regarding my child

by HeyThere 8 Replies latest jw friends

  • HeyThere
    HeyThere

    Sorry this is a bit long...lots of crap has happened in the past few months. I was told I had cancer, then didn't have it, then did. I really did. Then found out my best friend had pretty much the same cancer, it spread, she died this month. And of course dealing with my super dubbified husband through it all. Overall he has been supportive, overall. Not completely. So hear it goes.

    So my husband is still in uber dub mode, attending all meetings and loving all that "spiritual food" dispensed by the FDS. As a recap, he was shunning me, his wife, who was never actually a jdub, (he was not active when we met, married, or the first decade of our marriage) because I started questioning the religion. I stopped going to meetings a few months ago after he threw away my CoC book saying it would bring demons into our home. He shunned me until I was diagnosed with cancer, then he realized life is short and we just don't talk about religion. So things are ok on that front.

    However, this hit home even more when a close family friend (my best friend from childhood) was diagnosed with late stage cancer. I have been out of state caring for her for several weeks. She passed away. My heart is broken. I am fighting depression. It is what it is. My best friend is dead and I survived the same cancer. She was also godmother to all my kids. My kids are reeling from the loss and they also were flown out of state and pulled from school to be with her in her last days. Absolutely heart breaking.

    My youngest is our only minor child and has been forced to go to meetings, field circus, and have weekly studies with the demon believing sister I once studied with, who had simply stopped showing up or contacting me when I asked those questions months back.

    My child asked me to tell her dad, my husband, that she absolutely doesn't believe in the jokehovah religion and wants to stop going. She is very upset with the anti gay and other hateful teachings. She absolutely disagrees with the religion.

    So last week I spoke with my husband. It went surprisingly well. She still has to go to meetings but field circus only 1 or 2 times a month and she no longer has to study with the sister. My child is ok with this for now.

    So she went to the meeting with him last week, the Thursday meeting. When she gets back she looks furious and immediately pulls me aside. She then proceeds to tell me that my husband told her to look at what has happened to me since I stopped going to meetings. I started smoking again, am having work troubles...and my best friend died. He said when you stop going to meetings, you let bad things happen.

    She was so mad that he tried to put me not going to meetings as the reason her godmother died. But also asked me not to tell him she told me because she doesn't want to deal with him being mad at her.

    I was so angry! But now feel just sad, that he really may feel this way. At least he is compromising but wtf! Why would he even say that?

  • AlphaMan
    AlphaMan

    This was a nice update. Sorry about your troubles and hope you hang in there. That is just wrong of him to tell your daughter those things, but that is the way Witnesses really think.

  • Gregor
    Gregor

    I would read to her the scriptures (paraphrasing) "...time and unforseen circumstance befall us all..." or "...god let's the rain fall on both the good and the bad..." or "...not a single sparrow falls from the sky unnoticed by Him..." and many more in this line of thought. It contradicts completely your husbands putting your illness, loss of good friend and condemned habit into the class of some mumbo jumbo superstition.

    PS. There are many true accounts of JW's killed in auto accidents on their way to meetings and field service.

  • blondie
    blondie

    When I was a jw I always hated jws that said God was causing bad things to happen to people. There is a reason that the WTS really says Satan causes those things. Jws that say something like that always made me cringe, and if possible I would correct them with this scripture.

    (James 1:13) . . .When under trial, let no one say: “I am being tried by God.” For with evil things God cannot be tried nor does he himself try anyone.

    *** w12 11/1 p. 8 Question 3: Why Does God Allow Me to Suffer? ***

    The Bible plainly states that God is not to blame for human suffering. “Let no man say when he is tested, I am tested by God; for it is not possible for God to be tested by evil, and he himself puts no man to such a test.” (James 1:13, The Bible in Basic English) In fact, the idea that God is to blame for suffering is out of harmony with the way that the Bible describes God’s personality. How so?

    One of God’s primary qualities is love. (1 John 4:8)

  • NAVYTOWN
    NAVYTOWN

    Your husband's 'reasoning' exemplifies the JW mindset that says there is a vengeful, dictatorial 'God' up in the sky who punishes JWs who don't toe the Watchtower line in every respect. Good that your daughter has seen thru the BS. I hope she finds a way to completely break away from any involvement with that evil religion. Best wishes to both you and your daughter.

  • HeyThere
    HeyThere

    Alphaman...I was surprised how easily he compromised about my daughter. I am happy for that. But his mind is boggled with this stuff. He knows how much that girl meant to me, my kids, even him and others. She has been around for decades. Both of us having cancer at the same time, and a similiar cancer at that, not a likely occurrence at our age (30's) and mine was found early. I still have another surgery to undergo but I am ok and declared cancer free. Hers went crazy. I stayed at the hospital with her until she passed away. I held her, cried with her, laughed with her, reminiscent of our dreams and the plans we had for the future. She was like my sister. We were so close that it was only me and her mother who spoke with doctors, slept in the room with her at night, etc. I am gutted. So him saying that just kills me.

  • HeyThere
    HeyThere

    Gregor, those are great things to say. Once I have the energy to say them to him. I just can't deal with it now, my child doesn't want me to tell him I know he said this and I want her to continue feeling comfortable talking to me. So for now, I hold it in. Well, except now as I am sharing it here which provides some therapeutic relief I suppose.

  • HeyThere
    HeyThere

    Blondie...I completely agree with your post. I think it all boils down to love. I am going to approach him with that when my mind is right. I am fighting depression right now, just was told I have major depression disorder or some crap like that. Well, duh. What do you expect when you lifelong bestfriend/sister dies within weeks.

    But I do need to fight this before adding more possible stress to the mix.

  • HeyThere
    HeyThere

    Good god navy town that is true, and so appalling, disturbing, and anti-happifying is it not? It is just so callous. He has been supportive overall. He understood and had no problem with me going out of state for several weeks to be with her. He didn't complain at all. And he has been good, and compromised with our daughter. He just doesn't see how erroneous his thought process is.

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