DESERT MOONSHINE
(Read something like this in a newspaper editorial some 30 years ago. Rewritten it, recalling what I could, embellishing it with my own spin . )
Moses pried a piece of manna out from between cracked teeth with a sliver of wood. Crinkling his eyes , he stared moodily into the wilderness. A wilderness bathed in the harsh afternoon light. Aaron , sitting on a bear skin nearby, siphoned off the silvery liquid in his horn. Bloating his cheeks, he ping-ponged the liquor back and forth before finally gulping. He grunted ,peevishly roving red- rimmed eyes over the empty horizon. A couple of thorny bushes a few hundred meters apart, a cactus of undetermined specie standing in the distance ,and an indistinguishable community of rocks amongst the family of sandy waste greeted his scrutiny.
“Some wilderness eh?” Aaron ventured. He snaked out a slushy tongue to capture the spilled drops of hooch clinging to his beard. He looked wistfully at one that escaped the darting flicker, and fell to the thirsty ground which soaked it up instantly. He eyed the horn, bending it over his mouth with the ineffectual hope of catching any remaining drops.
“ Yup. As empty as the horn you’ve been sucking from , and …just as devoid of life.
“ Hmm…reminds me of your promise… . Of the “ land of wine and virgins ..or..was it wealth and women !”
“Milk and honey, Aaron, The land of MILK AND HONEY”-
“Right! Land of PLENTY. a heaven decreed -desert -holiday -spot for air-heads. PLENTY..of nothing. We are suckered pioneers of the hot rush. For this newest tourist destination.”
“All you and those tribesmen have done ,ever since we came here , is grumble ,mumble , mock and moan. Besides brewing that piss- n –hawk- tasting bootleg. “
“ How can this be bootleg? We ain’t in Egypt no more so there ain’t no laws on brewing liquor. Besides Manna is from the big guy on top. It’s kosher. By the way, how u know it’s “piss-n-hawk-tasting”? You at it quietly? Unbeknownst to me?
‘ It was meant to be eaten by a body, not poured into a body... you ‘ve morphed into a fermented sponge. The various anonymous,alcoholics remedial forums would like to get their hands on you.”.
“Is that your uneducated medical diagnosis of my physiology Dr. Mo-of-the-wilderness; or defamation of character based on dubious psychological prognosis?
“You ought to be certified.
“ Why? You aren’t . Yet you seem to be churning out random aesculapian therapies for my libations. To make a point - if your unsubstantiated slander is to be taken seriously - then I am ’alcoholic ‘---singular ---not ‘alcoholics’ … how many of me do you see? Have you been dipping your beak into my horn? “
“I couldn’t give a flying flip abou……”
“And there is nothing anonymous about me .All the twelve tribes know I’m Aaron –your brother!”
“ My BRO…ther!! Don’t shout it out. I’m still trying to live it down! ( aside) Ron the dipsomaniac High Priest…that’s what I need.
“ You saying you ashamed of me? Then why drag me here -out into this back- of -beyond.”
“ I dragged you here ! SOMEONE had the bright idea of moulding a golden BULL .”
“Get your facts straight. It was a golden CALF . Repeat . CALF. ‘Baby cow’. NOT a BULL , not a BUFFALO and definitely no BULLSHIT about ‘cream and butter’ “.
“ MILK and HONEY”.
“Manna and horny sphinx builders! The only milk I’ve seen is in the breasts of nursing mother’s ; while they feed their babies and ..lets see ..HONEY .. that’s the term of endearment the males of the tribe use - when they want to inseminate their wives.“ Milk and honey my ass! Manna and mad-shit crazy tribesmen is what I get every day! I wish we could get some meat.”
“What do you mean meat? “
“Flesh of a bird or animal meat. Steaks and lamb chops meat. That make sense to you?”
“ You patronizing me? I know the meaning of “meat”. But why wish for meat all of a sudden.”
“Last I heard it is a good source of protein. And man can’t live by manna alone.”
“Why not. You have it both ways. Food AND drink my M&H man!”
“Cut the crap Mo. You see those hundreds of muscle -bound tribesmen? You need to hear what they say about us.”
“That they are grateful we brought them out of Pharoah’s lair ? Bondage and slavery no more. The fresh taste of freedom in this vast land.”
“They have been muttering dark threats against you and me . Claim they had fish and fowl in Egypt and now we’ve dragged them to this white powder here. Which is no good to ski on but a sweaty grind . “
“We’ve been over the grind. They’ve always been complainers. What new about that?”
“The novel idea to come after us. With malice dripping from their carving knives. And their manic gift of six feet of “this vast land”. Buried; along with ‘your fresh taste of freedom’. “
“Seriously?”
“No I’m making all this up. Course I’m serious. Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Seriously? “
“I’m all ears.”
“Lucky for us I discovered Manna mai-tai . Cheers!”
“You can’t call it mai-tai .”
“Why not?”
“Ther’s no rum in it.”
“O.k then I’ll call it manna sai-nai.”
“Blasphemy!”
“Too long.”
“Ron!”
“Never heard of that drink. “
“RON!”
“Manna Sai-nai . Sounds spiritual to me. Better than “Blast! Free MEEEE!!”
“AA-RUNN! Go and get another drink if you got nothing better to do!”
“O.K . okay. Good idea!” He breaks into song “ I’m gonna go n get me sum Blass-fleee-meeeeee.”
The old patriarch’s exasperated shake of head, a minute and a sigh ; and Aaron is back. Slightly drunk by now.
“Hey MO! I got it. I’ll call it ..lets see… …Manna Moon. “
“How about Aaron’s Swoon? You’re staggering .I wish you hadn’t taught the tribes to brew.”
“Why not? At least it keeps them drinking , not thinking. About murdering me and you .”
“Don’t be damp Aaron. They follow lead and do whatever asked. I think. “
“I wanna know what you think when they put you in a casket …without your head. However the hell did I get involved in this moronic scheme of yours? Why the heck did I ever agree to help you bring these metal -headed , Pyramid building iconoclasts out of Egypt is beyond me. Thick as a brick -like the ones they built in Egypt .Only denser! “
“Are you a Hebrew? Must you make opprobrious remarks about your own countrymen? What’s eating you ?”
“ In this magnificient wilderness , there’s nothing to do except ogle at young tribal girls’ swollen hips and chests .And we can’t chase them because of the dumb chastity laws. We are forbidden to “ do-it-ourselves “. And WHY-because big daddy up there want us to be chaste. Keep ourselves pure . SO … O.K------ I change manna into alcohol. Alcohol purifies everything . I am –hello- Diggity -damn –dooeree….P-U-R-E. “
“Was that a rhino horn you were drinking from?”
“ Whats what ‘horn ‘ I was drinking from gotta do with it? You changing the topic?
“No I’m not. You have sunk to the lowest levels of debauchery, debasement and depravity. That some aphrodisiac you imbibing?”
“YOU THINK I NEED AN APHRODISIAC?
Keep your voice down. Not everyone wants to hear you raise… Cain.
Aaron swaying a bit with his finger on his lip“Shhhhhh…since you are the expert in erecting limp logs,” in an exaggerated whisper” how do you resurrect Abel?”
We talking dirty now?
Wha’ts dirty about two brothers referring to two brothers ,analogically ;while discussing -hypothetically–didgeridoo malfunction. The only recreation we have here is re-creation …BUT … “stamping his foot a few times , “ haven’t had sex in months. My progenitor is busting its tissued orbs to procreate which I can’t because I’ve gotta be CHASTE .. so Aaron ! High Priest and leader of the nation, take cold showers . Oh I forgot; there ain’t no water to be had… so squeeze cold stones on your leather sacs at night and freeze the bastards!” And since you asked. No this ain’t no Afro-on - no -Daisy’s -ass!! Who’s Daisy by the way?
What’s wrong with intimacies your wife?
Nothing! Except that we’ve got seven grandchildren sleeping our bed. The youngest uses her mammary equipment as a hammock; you want us to make love? What do you think we are . A Vegas porn show? Who’s Daisy?
O.K. That can’t be helped. Grandchildren will be grandchildren. Suck it up .
That’s what I’m trying to do ; without you turning it into an epistemological debate.
Ron. Ron. Ron. You are my brother.
“Don’t shout it out. I’m still trying to live it down”. (Aside) Raising Daisy with a dangling didgeree…”
Ron . You are my big brother. I love you.
“ After that defamatory character assassination you asking me to believe that. And ..I thought you loved Daisy. (hic) Your wife know you fooling around behind her?
“There’s no Daisy. Forget about Daisy. Let’s talk about you. You are High. Take it easy with that horn.” Moses takes it fom Aaron’s hand and sets it aside. Moses almost pleading now,” You gotta set an example. You are the High Priest. “
“ Make up your mind. You just said I was High. Now you’ve changed it to High Priest! Which am I ?
“Both. You smell as if you’ve showered in it.
The piss is in the priest ..OR… The priest ‘s in the piss ?!! Who gives a shit anyway. Ha!ha!hic! Mush follow my example . Lesh have an anointed piss-up! ”
“No no Aaron. No more for you. You’ve had quite a skinful.”
I am the high priest! Heaven has decreed …nay …ordained …nay, ..nay, …nye,… expressly commanded that you follow my lead; the truly anointed High..pun intendeedd..priest”.
‘I can’t . I mean I shouldn’t . Actually, I don’t feel like a drink.”
“You don’t feel like a drink? Look around you. This is a desert. You need to keep hydrated. Keeps the head and hind temperature controlled.
Please my brother. Stop. I can’t drink now. Maybe tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow we may be going down under, with those savages tearing us asunder.”
No one’s doing anything to us . It’s all good. All we need to do is sober up.”
“ You Drunk too? Soooo you have been raiding my cellar”.
No I haven’t had a drink and I am not going to. You’ve gotta sober up some. C’mon we’ve got worship in a couple of hours.
Who’s gonna come.?All the men are drunk and their wives are fighting to keep them dinking some more. Our worship in that circus tent will be mere foul exhalations of vespers, wafted on alcoholic fumes, hiccupped under drunken duress! Yeah right. Worship is sure gonna solve my problem! Cold stone or a prurient moan versus a whispered prayer in the desert air. Any more bright ideas Hobson?
“O.K maybe I need to lighten up a bit. Take the broader view. Too judgmental . This desert air gets one .. what you might say …steeped in bigotry. Maybe you are right. No show for the evening worship. I guess we could take the evening off. Here” , taking out a copper cup from his fold, “c’mon I’m gonna have a drink of that home brew with you.”
Aaron looked at him with a long, drunken, piercing stare. “ That ‘home brew’ of which you speak … one sip will sink a ship. Yu sure yu can handle the serpent juice?”
Let loose your poison .I’m your younger brother . You’ve changed Manna into wine ‘O’ Jethro Tull! Anything my big ,scholarly (aside..buffoon of a ) brother brews can do me no harm. I’ll ride the crest of any knave – sunbeam or moonshine - that you shoot at me!”
“You should get a name change. Aqualung! Here it comes . Gird your loins. Ready .The first locomotive breath! Inhale at your own peril!.”He goes into his tent and returns with a milk white liquid that gives off a powerful whiff of highly fermented watch-you-might-call-it!! He gives Moses a horn filled to the brim. Moses takes a tentative sip. Another. And another. “You aren’t gonna have any?”
“You’ve just spent the better part of an hour trying to convince me I shouldn’t. Now you’re asking me if I’m having any? You’ve had too much already ? You sure you can handle the tide ”
“ Hey! I’m your younger brother. I gotta loop on that horn just as good as you.
“ Well you better belly-up to that un. You got the last of it. I’ve sent for another goat skin. We’re out of liquor for the moment. But another leather bag will get here. I’ve sent someone to fetch it .From the “brewery” at the back of the hill yonder. Gives me some time to dry out a bit.
“ Must say this is premium brew”.
“Thanks”.
“ What do you put in it?”
“ Can’t tell you. Family secret”.
Moses gives him a look.
“ Okay. Okay. Manna mash fermented with some cactus mush. A bit of this and a bit of that . Some soap, some water from the rock you cracked open. A bucket of fresh goat piss .”
“ GOAT PISS?’
“Okay. Forget I said that. What do you want me to use ? This isn’t exactly a fertile ground for growing fermenting agents. Hops don’t grow here if you’ve noticed.”
“You put urine into food.”
“Drink actually. Serves as a catalyst. Fermenting agent. Antibiotic.”
“ I think I’m gonna die.”
“Told you it’s antibiotic”.
“I feel sick”.
“ You just said it was premium brew.”
“ Well that was before I heard the wee in it. I feel funny”
“ Good stuff . Brings out a sense of humor.”
“ I’m gonna throw up’.
“ Tilt your head and take a few more sips. It’s called a piss up ”.
Moses sips the elixir slowly one tentative gulp at a time. Soon the offending ingredient is forgotten . A goatskin arrives by and by. Moses has another and another. And then a few more . A mellow fraternal delight permeates the feelings of both brothers. They reminisce . Time passes. They speak of their youth, how they had outfoxed Pharaoh and his army ,and how good their god had been. The evening steals down on the desert and begins to cool the endless expanse. Aaron , who hasn’t touched a drop for the past hour or so, has some of the vapors lifted from his brain. He ponders on their situation and his brows furrow in thought.
“ Tell me again Mo. What are we doing in your wilderness.”
“ I don’t remember laying claims to any of its proprietary rights.”
“ You haven’t answered my question. Let’s try again. Unequivocally now? “
“ I was being sarcastic.”
“ And I figurative. Cut to the chase . Why are we in this desert.”
“ The big-jig up there has ordained that we be here for forty years.
“ Why”?
“ Because somebody –and I’m not naming names-tried to compound their amateur metallurgy skills with good ole apostasy ; while I was on the mountain talking to the LORD.”
“Ohhh..ahem..o.k aay..you don’t have to rub it in .”
“ Blame it on me now?”
“No ,no Mo! By the way what did he look like? “
“ Who”?
“What do you mean who? The good LORD of course.”
“ I don’t know “.
“ What do you mean you don’t know”? You were talking to him”.
“ I didn’t see him?”
“ Talk sense Mo! You were talking to him for crying out loud. How could you not see him?
“He spoke to me from a burning bush!”
“ The Lord spoke to you?”
“Yes”.
“ From a burning bush?”
“Yes”.
“ No more drinks for you.” Aaron grabs the copper cup from Moses hand and throws it away.”
“ Gimme my drink . What’s drinks gotta do with it?”
“ Talk to me first. You seriously telling me that you’ve brought us out here on the advice of A COMBUSTING PIECE OF VEGETATION?”
“ It was the LORD speaking from it”.
“ MO! MO! This is serious. Vegetation don’t speak! Flaming or not. “ What were you drinking before you went up that mountain?”
“ Nothing”.
“ Did you inhale something? How about that green stuff? Mary June or Canitbe or something that some of the tribesmen used to use before they came here? “
“ Don’t talk through the back of your head RON!”
Did you stay too long near the cattle corral. Too long near the smell of cow-dew?”
“ Ron I tell you I was stone cold sober . I swear on everything that’s holy; it was a voice speaking from the lit up bush. Now gimme my drink”
“ You’ve brought us out here- into this wasteland- on the navigational expertise of a few flaming branches of firewood? AND YOU WANT ANOTHER DRINK! YOU DAMN WINO! I NEED TO SEE A SHRINK HOB-NOBBING WITH A HOPHEAD LIKE YOU! YOU DELUSIONAL DEADBEAT ! YOU DEMENTED DOPEHEAD! YOU ..YOU..YOU..MORONIC MEATHEAD! YOU… HALLUCINATING HOLOCAUST! DID YOU SET FIRE TO THE WEED YOURSELF WHILE YOU WERE HIGH?”
Moses taken aback by this verbal onslaught from his elder brother tries to get a word in …
“ No I didn’t I swear RON…but I …
“YOU WANT ME TO BELIEVE IT WAS SPONTANEOUS CUMBSTION? YOU ASININE ARSONIST!
“That’s inflammatory defamation and ,unjustifiably , abusive nomenclature.”
ADVISEMENT FROM FRIED FURNITURE! HEARD AVOICE FROM BARBEQUED WOOD! WHAT DID IT DO ? TOAST YOUR BRAINS!
NO I swear.. Listen to…
MY WHITE HAIRY ASS!
“ I thought we only brought out grey ones from Egypt.”
IT”S GOONA BE ’ KEVABED’ NOW IF THOSE HOWLING TWELVE TRIBED VILLAGERS EVER GET HOLD OF IT ! AND ALL BECAUSE AN INCONTINENT BARFLY, OVERDOSED ON HALLUCINAGENICS , DUI’d US INTO THIS WILD, BARREN SEA -OF -LONLINESS.
Ron! Listen. Will I lie to yo…”
Ron looks at him with spent resignation. He shakes his head , contemplating a bleak future.
“ Shut the **** up”. No you won’t NEED TO MAKE IT UP. You’re so full of crap already!! HAH! Directions from an enunciating piece of burnt-wood,, GPSing thousands of blood thirsty savages into this empty arena.
Moses looks about for his stricken horn..shooting a conciliatory glance at Aaron.
“ But Ron they don’t know that.”
“They are gonna tear us to pieces if they ever do hear of your travelogue with that bunch of euridite umbrella sticks.”
“ You saw what I did with the dead sea, didn’t you.”
“ RED sea MO. Pharoah and his army are dead –just like we are gonna be soon-not the sea.”
“Okay..whatever. Did you think I did that on my own?”
“ I dunnooo…I can’t say..I was too busy watching the pillar of fire dance the hoopla!!”
“ Look, these bunker-builders don’t need to know a thing…”
“We can’t lie to them.”
“ I’m not askin you to lie. Just don’t say anything about it.”
“ Conflagrant voiceovers from a forest fire. I ought to have my head examined!”
“ We need to tell no one.”
Tipsy Tips from petrified toothpicks! Dumb whacky wingnut!!
We keep it to ourselves cause although it is true…”
“Voice from a burning bramble he says. Gibbering gob-shit from a smoldering smoke -thrower .
“ See what I mean.. Its gonna be for everybody’s good ..all round winners.”
Hell ! that’s all I need in my old age. YOU malevolent malediction!
“ Are you listening MO ”.
“Never again to you ..you..you crazy candyfloss”.
“ We still trading insults?”
“ No. I was talking to your hairdo.”
“No one will ever know the true story of what happened on that mountain.”
“ Brokeback bullshit! You mean you made all this up?”
“ No I didn’t. But if we tell no one, who’s to know”.
“ Hmmmm…maybe…you may be …Hmmm…sounds plausible. If we don’t get drunk and start travel plans with a bird’s nest first.”
“ You still don’t believe that story do you?”
“ Not unless I’m not a Witness! No!!”
“ Blasphemy”.
“ You still want more of that drink? After what you’ve just told me.”
“You are being sacrilegious”.
“ I would be .If I were a JW”.
“ What’s a JW?”
“ Jonnie Walker Scotc...Never mind . Some people who are gonna appear on the planet about four or five thousand years from now. And be a pain-in –the –ass to everybody living during that time”
“ How do you know that.”
“ Divine foresight.”
“ Hey! You could call your drink that?”
“ Nope. I think I’ll just call it “Desert Moonshine!”
Okay! Let’s celebrate. A new distillery with a salubrious brew! A fresh, healthy secret between us two.”
“ How long?”
“ How do yu mean?”
“ How long you gonna keep quiet about your conference with that self-inflammable mountain fungus?”
“ Until this generation dies off.”
“But I know of one that won’t. Not until 1975!!”
“ What the hell you talking about ? You need to dry out some more.
Never mind. But how you gonna write your book after this generation dies off? We’ll all be dead by then.
Hmmm…..t hat’s true..I know what to do . Write it up in my memoirs. YUP! I’m gonna write a book about it.”
“ Oh My sainted ancestors!
“ You talking to the dead now? Or is that an apostrophe?”
“ Somebody shoot me!!”
“ Have a drink. It will serve just as nicely!”
Arron sighs and finds the goatskin, gets two horns and the brothers fill up the receptacles with sloshy contents from the leather bag.. A few drinks later they sing duet in cracked septuagenarian . ”….I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name……”.
A benevolent moon shines down on their efforts at vocalization , blinks in disbelief and reaches for some cotton ear-plugs!!