HOW will YOU end?

by Terry 9 Replies latest jw friends

Terry

HOW WILL YOU END?

__________

A couple of years back, a friend of mine who is a former Baptist preacher (Dub Horn) began

visiting a Rehabilitation Hospital; we were like geriatric candy-stripers. The irony of this was not lost on me. We found ourselves

in the ward with terminal patients. There wasn't even the prospect of rehabilitating these people.

__________

There are all sorts of people on this floor.

The only way any patient leaves is through the loss of their life.

At first I am confronted with the mystery and horror in a sudden real way.

I squirm inside and coil up. Who really wants to confront a startling realization of mortality up

close and personal?

________

After a few Sunday visits I manage to come to the conclusion THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME!

Self-centered bastard that I naturally am--I watch and learn by example slowly.

Dub and I were visitors volunteering with a purpose. The hospital needed people who could

offer these patients some kind of . . . to use a problematic word: TRANSCENDENCE.

______

What Dub soon demonstrates is a remarkable ability to express friendly empathy with cheer.

Yes, he is a cheerful man who has only one leg due to a car wreck some years ago. He is

positive, affirming, and knows human contact is water to a thirsty soul.

I watch and learn quietly at first. This is all very new to me.

____________

We play music. Dub reads articles from magazines. There is friendly conversation.

There are catatonic people who resemble plants more than humans because they are posed inert and

hollow eyed. Several folks seem caught in a mind loop. They repeat themselves out of context.

Adjusting to all this takes time before a sense of "normal" sets in.

____________

A routine develops. We learn the names of these patients. They "become" humanized in our eyes. They

have a past. They were somebody who did things, knew people, loved and cared. Now they are like

broken toys on a shelf, largely ignored by family, friends, loved ones. Oh sure, there are exceptions.

Just not many.

____________

For each patient dying of this and that dreadful affliction, there must be thousands more without hospitalization

lost out there in the city. Some are living in the shadows out of doors. Some are cosseted in a bedroom shanty.

***

A nurse informs us that eighty-seven per cent of people die from non-communicable diseases like cardiovascular diseases,

cancers, diabetes and chronic lung diseases. I listen to this and it doesn't really register. It is just words.

____________

The life expectancy is now 78.7 years on average.

I'm 67. Can you hear the cogs and wheels inside my head turning?

___________

If you've ever owned a potted plant or a vase of flowers you've glimpsed how it all goes down.

Beauty, fading, loss, trash.

That's about it. There is no escape.

Oh wait--! Your mind can escape. That's a sort of technicality, however.

You can will yourself to believe YOU ARE SPECIAL. Religion to the rescue!

___________________

Seriously . . . there is no escape.

We get old, slow down, lose our beauty, become grumpy, set in our ways.

There is a bed somewhere calling our name right now. Our story will end there.

___________________

HOW WILL YOU END?

Will you ever sit down and face reality? It isn't easy.

Thinking about all the things you did in your life will come first.

You'll sort through it all! Why didn't I do this--why did I do that?

I should have married X instead of Y, maybe. Oh--then I wouldn't have my son or daughter!

For every wrong turn there was a beautiful something we wouldn't want to lose.

There is a hidden beauty there. But, it's hard to see.

______________

At age 67 I'm remarkably healthy. I ride my bicycle every single day. (Okay--if it rains, I don't.)

I don't even get a cold. I can't remember being sick.

A couple of years ago I got a jaw infection from a cracked tooth. I spent 7 days in the Emergency Ward.

The bill was a whopping EIGHTY-THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS!

I laughed. "You're joking, right?"

_______________________

How will I end?

If it weren't for the impact on my seven kids and four grand children, I'd say: "It doesn't matter as long as it's quick."

But, seriously . . .

Is it ever quick? Not for those hopeless folks at the Rehab Hospital.

They die by inches.

Don't we all? Really--don't we all?

______________

HOW WILL YOU END?

Does it help to think about it?

Are you delusional? Are you "looking forward to being with the Lord?"

Are you resigned to going back to where you were BEFORE you were born? :)

________________

So far, I have no fear of death . . . only of becoming a drawn-out burden.

I don't want to become a bed manniken filling bedpans with my own offal.

I don't want my kids cringing at the thought of having to visit me like that.

___________

I have a death fantasy. Want to hear it?

I go sky diving out over the landscape. I jump and don't pull the ripcord.

It is a beautiful day with extraordinary sunshine and few clouds.

I stretch out my hands like I did when I was a boy playing Superman.

I ride the wind all the way back to Mother.
prologos

Terry, in that fall, you would feel no gravity first, then the push of air, like lying on a matress perhaps then nothing.

I am ~ 2 decades past your age, and gravity is slowly becoming opressive. struggling against it, so it occurred to me that when I end, it will be liberating, a release, that struggle will be over. feeling like the free fall in your imaginary end, and most importantly not having to feel the thud.

If I need morphine, I hope the nurses will not overlook me.
sparky1

Terry, the last paragraph of your post was so honest and beautiful that I am at a loss for words....................
BluesBrother

A beautiful paragraph

A routine develops. We learn the names of these patients. They "become" humanized in our eyes. They have a past. They were somebody who did things, knew people, loved and cared. Now they are like broken toys on a shelf, largely ignored by family, friends, loved ones. Oh sure, there are exceptions.Just not many.

I have been to such a ward. it is scary , but then one gets to know them a little and realize that they are real people who have been somebody..

How will we end, hopefully not in a ward like that. I would rather die before my time than linger on past it. In my opinion the medical profession does us no favours in keeping us alive after our bodies would naturally die of something. Just go quietly when the grim reaper calls........
FadeToBlack

Great stuff as usual Terry. I think for a lot of us this is where an explicit DNR is important. I have already made it clear it clear to my wife if she sees me face down in the dirt in the gardens out back, just leave me there. The only thing I dread is having a stroke and waking up in a ward where I can't speak and people are forced to clean me up occasionally.
Terry

Thanks to all!

My family divides into those who live too long and those who die of cancer.

On my Dad's side they live until a natural disaster takes them out. My father's brother, Alf, was 98 when he fell

off his roof trying to adjust the TV antenna!

Then, there is my Dad who was sitting out in his yard in the afternoon when a truck spun out at the turn on the apron of the highway and

flattened him. He was 91.

My grandfather died at 93 of stomach cancer. He took around 80 vitamins a day.

My mother died of lung cancer; a devoted smoker and disillusioned JW who had faded successfully.

___________________________________

I try to learn something new each day as well as UNLEARN a thing I've got wrong.

That's as close to improvement I can get.

I'm not obsessed with eating healthy, or even with eating. I get by on about 2 meals a day.

I think--my opinion only--heredity plays the strongest possible role in our lifespan.

_______________-

To me, the best part of growing older is seeing more and more beauty in darn near everything.

The downside is having nobody to share it with. Who really wants to hear what a 67 year old has to say?

I'm just being realistic, I think.

___________________

Just think about it--what if each of us KNEW for a fact what our day of death would be?

How would that affect who we are, what we do, and what utility or disaster or actions would become?

It is an imponderable.
Apognophos

I think about this a fair amount, perhaps too soon since I'm in my 30s. I don't think any of us wants to end up as a near-vegetable for the last years of our life. So if that's the case, why doesn't everyone just "accidentally" fall off a nearby cliff during a nature walk, once they realize they are getting too old to live independently anymore? It seems that we're prevented from doing this by a couple things.

Firstly, I think we come to that point and then we think about family, and we realize that we can't bear to make our children and grandchildren sad. We feel like we owe it to them to keep on living. There's a sort of external will to live that feeds into us through the existence of family and friends.

Secondly, I suppose that when one gradually ages to the point of decrepitude, one's standards for living decline so gradually that it doesn't seem so bad to be in a bed having people care for you, because it's only a small step down from when you lived on your own but could hardly get out of bed, and you had to have every meal either delivered to you or eaten out of a can. Perhaps we'll even feel that we deserve to be doted on and given some end-of-life care, having lived the long life that we did.

As for wanting to tell our story, I think we can do that now, here, or in a book as Terry has. As long as we have sufficient motivation, there won't be anything preventing us from still telling our story up until the day that we can't talk or remember anything anymore. I just think that most old folks honestly don't have a strong desire to tell their story anymore. But look at the ones that do. Hayao Miyazaki, the most important animation director of our modern era, has retired about six times. He's tired and he wants to stop working, but he always comes back to say one more thing. Even now in "retirement" he is drawing a new graphic novel.

I have a feeling that even when it takes a year of lying in a bed to die, that time passes by quickly, especially since many are no longer very mentally active by that time. And age seems to speed up time. I can see the years going by much faster than as a child. I can't imagine how it will be when I'm 80.
LV101

Another reality topic by Terry! You're killing me! No, I so appreciate your viewpoint/intellect but understand where you're coming from. I look at the stats, clock and panic about life and time. The delusions of religion sure helped me through the nite.
leaving_quietly

This is a challenging topic, to be sure. Once I hit 40, it was like I was staring down both barrels of a shotgun. Half my life (or more) is over. There's a reason it's called a mid-life crisis.

I read the book " Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up " by James Hollis. A hard read... I had to really take my time with it. But, it helped me understand some of the things I was feeling at the time (and still feel).

I often fantasize about going back in time to one crucial moment and changing the decision I made. Have you ever thought about that? If you could go back, is there one defining moment you would change? I can think of two or three moments like that... all before I turned 21 years old. By the time I turned 21, my life was on a solid course to where it is now. I can identify two events, a couple of minor ones, and one very major one. If I changed the minor events, the major event would have never happened. If I changed the major event, my life would be very different than it is right now.

But I can't go back. I can only go forward. The problem is, the only thing going forward for me is time. My life is completely stuck in a massive rut. Same thing day in and day out. No variation whatsoever. It's been like this for a number of years. I can't get out without major repercussions. I'm nearly at the point where the repercussions will be worth it.

I'm not suicidal at all. I rather enjoy breathing. But, I do feel that if this is where my life is going to stay, there's nothing left to look forward to, so an end would be somewhat welcome.
LV101

Sounds like a good read, leaving_quietly - enjoyed reading your post. Life is difficult.

Sometimes I don't know if we have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility (which is better than the opposite) or we're caught up in the fear trap of what ifs - or just too lazy. Freedom/change certainly comes with an enormous price tag. I like the saying, 'don't live what is not your fantasy' but figuring it all out takes too many years/decades and then, WHAM, we don't have the energy. Guess we have too many options which is a good thing - take too many detours, etc. We need this life to be our experimentation trip to ebb and flo and long and need that 'forever' stuff. I don't like reality of no time outs.

HOW will YOU end?

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