Finding Justice

MrMoe

I want Justice. But, not in the typical sense...

My life has brought to me many ups and downs, and at times the downs seemed to far out weigh the ups. Maybe in my past life I reaped a lot of bad Karma and now I am paying for it, or perhaps I am getting all of my bad luck over with early in life ---- who knows...

But either way, I want Justice, and something tells me it is going to happen... soon... I feel things changing.

Since me and my ex have split, I have dated several guys. Recently I was seeing somebody. He was a few years younger than I, looked like he stepped out of a magazine, sparkling personality, great sense of humor, owns his own home (stunning house at that,) has 2 vehicles and makes insane money. He is what you would call Mr. Perfect. But who really cares? I sure as hell don't. I decided I just wanted to be friends with him. In fact, all the guys I have dated since me and the ex split have been damn near perfect. And you know what? They don't fulfill me.

Make fun of me if you want, but me and my ex, we had a connection. About 2 weeks ago, I was dreaming of him. I woke up, my heart racing. It was about 4:15 am. I laid there for about 15 minutes when the phone rang. It was my ex husband. He dreamed of me, too, in fact we had the same dream. There is more in relation to our dreams, but I won't go there now. When he calls, I know it is him on the other line. At any point in time I can simply think about him and I know what he is feeling and what he is thinking. I also know when he thinks of me. I feel every thought, every emotion. We had this connection. I swear it was cosmic.

We met for a reason, to learn about life and the world and to open our eyes to everything around us. In so many ways he is such a beautiful person and yes we DO have a connection - a powerful one, but we fight and argue and he does have such a dark side to him. Do I love him? Yes, of course I do, I always will. But, I am not IN love anymore. He and I - we don't mix. What's so bad about that? What's so horrible about letting go? Growth sometimes hurts, but it is a necessary part of life. Without growth, we would all wither away and die.

October 31, 2001, my life changed forever. It is when I learned to love myself. It is the day I learned how to let go. Toughest thing I ever had to do.

And now I sit here and reflect on my life. I wonder about things. Do I NEED somebody? No. Do I want somebody on a serious level? Yes and no. What I do thirst for though is something much higher. Perhaps I am simply a hopeless romantic, but I truly think that one day I will meet somebody and I will look at them and see their soul churning and simmering in their eyes, begging to be touched, pleading for somebody to see. Is this a realistic way of thinking? I feel it is. One day, I will find that connection again, but this time it will be something much higher, something pure. I am a free spirit, but one of these days, this free spirit will find her other half. And it is then when I will be in unity. And it is then I will find Justice.

Warm Kisses,
Amanda

Elsewhere

Sounds like you just need to get the "Super Mega Ram-Rod Rail-Road Marital Aid" (With optional attachments).

Just make sure you pay your electric bill!!!

"As every one knows, there are mistakes in the Bible" - The Watchtower, April 15, 1928, p. 126
Believe in yourself, not mythology.
<x ><

teenyuck

Or get rechargable batteries!

beckyboop

Amanda,

What a beautiful post! I too can relate to your connection to your ex-husband. My ex and I are the best of friends, but aren't supposed to be together now. We both have since moved on in our personal lives, and are much happier and healthier for it.

I think I read that you are in your mid-twenties online somewhere, so if it doesn't happen right away don't despair. I was almost 34 before I found my other half--and it was while I was finally learning to let go, and love myself. If you are already learning that, then you'll be much more ready for it when it comes along.

It sounds as if you have come a long way in your personal quest. I too think that we meet and end up with people for a reason; and when it's time, it's ok to let go and move forward. And if you feel that you are going to meet someone again with whom you have a much higher and deeper connection, than you will. I did, and it was worth the wait. I hope I'm around when it happens for you!

Love,

Becky

MrMoe

Becky - Thanks for the words of encouragement. Yes, I am 25. I know for a fact I will find it, and it is just around the corner. Mind you, I don't think it is anytime really soon, but within the next few years. Odd, but I can always feel things, and this is something I feel very strongly. For now, I will be a free spirit and I will play, have fun and enjoy my youth. I would rather be a happy solitary soul than a miserable one who made the wrong choices and settled for anything less than her dreams.

Wishes do come true, you just have to believe in them.

Kisses,
Amanda

crawdad2

just my opinion,

i think you may still be in love with him, and he may be the right one for you...... you both just might need to fix certain dark sides that are not being controlled right now, and that takes time and effort.

i'm glad you are not in a hurry to get married again....... maybe, with time, you both will mature... and you can try each other out again?

MrMoe

No, taking him back is not an option. He did something and now has something and I can never take himn back. Long story. Also, he has severe anger problems, if you catch my drft. No, we are over. And yes, I do love him, just not IN love with him. There is a difference.

Kisses,
Moe

Introspection

Hi Amanda,

Good point about growth. I would just point out one thing, and that's that while we might outgrow our partner, it's possible to be outgrown too. I don't mean your ex of course, but I think it's simply a matter of where you end up going in your life. It is quite possible that one person is the right one for you at a specific point in time, but since then things have changed. I guess I mention this because it works both ways.. It would appear there's a tendancy for us to stop growing and settle into life as we know it once we find someone we consider our soul mate, this sense of he/she is it, this is what will make my life complete. But if only one person does this and the other keeps growing, then it is no longer the case.

Of course, it could very well be that you're perfectly happy with each other and neither one wants to grow anymore, but there's always that chance isn't there? Now notice either it's you or the other person that outgrows the other, there's one person that moves on and the other doesn't. This is clearly not a function of the relationship between them, but of the individual. I'm glad you're looking for something deeper in life, but it seems to me it's not something you'll find in another person. Actually, that's not an accurate statement. You may find it in someone else, but I think you'll find it in yourself first, or atleast it works better that way. Even if you find it in someone else and are inspired or whatever, it just seems to me it's kind of the wrong way of going about it. I think it's great to acknowledge that if you do meet someone like that, but it seems to go back to where you're at in life. Sometimes there are people who feel like others aren't "at their level" and at other times there are people who beat themselves over not being good enough in some way. I say just live your own life, everything will fall into place naturally that way.

Mark

mindfield

Maybe in my past life I reaped a lot of bad Karma and now I am paying for it

You? Reaping bad Karma? I don't think so...

You're going through some really tough times these days, and although I can't sympathize, I can tell you that there is going to be an end to all this mess... sooner or later. Hopefully sooner than later. Enjoy your youth, as you said yourself, while you have it, even though it now seems as if it is filled with incomprehensible pain, stress and fatigue. You will find the way, emotionally and physically-wise, and rest assured we'll be cheering you along all the way.

((((((((((MrMoe))))))))))))

Finding Justice

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