Venting. Need some ideas. (long)

by Mimilly 9 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Mimilly

  I need to vent because I feel like I'm going to explode. Please bear with me while I 'try' to describe what is going on.

  In less than two weeks my baby graduates high school. Today she had her grad pics done. Absolutely beautiful - and when I get them scanned, I'll be posting them. I'm so very proud of her. I nicknamed her 'Sunshine' when she was a baby because her smile lit up the room. It has only become brighter. My doctor thinks I am beginning to suffer Empty Nest Syndrome - but I don't believe that is right. Shelene is not moving away anytime soon. She is going to apply for Nursing school.

  I am broke. Since I am off work due to an injured arm, I am on welfare. I hate it. It's impossible to live on it. I get enough to pay my rent and buy bus tickets for the month. Both the doctor and physiotherapist would rather I not work until my shoulder is stronger. So I'm applying for school. This is all moot. Bottom line - I don't have anything to give my daughter for one of the most important milestones in her life.

  It is because of my efforts that her father is in the picture today. I didn't go the vindictive route. He was planning on moving out of province and I talked him out of it. Now, he and the girls are very close, and I am sincerely happy for that. He paid for Shelene's grad pics; Beth paid for her shoes, and my mom bought her dress. I feel very left out. I"m ashamed of myself, and even though I know that I am not working for a reason - it doesn't stop this feeling. I feel humiliated.

  Yes, I have clothed and fed them, been there for serious emotional troubles and physical emergencies. I put alot of work into my girls to make sure they never had to feel like I do. My work has paid off. They have voices; they speak their minds; they have confidence; they have each other. Am I down because I am witnessing what could have been for me? The fact that I came from hell and was able to break many vicious cycles, proves that those around me when I was growing up could have done the same. Their father is finally involved and my father hates me - wishes I was dead. Quite the contrast.

  What's wrong with me? Am I jealous of them - that they have each other, that they have a father, and jobs that make people proud? My mother is coming up soon, and she is always adding jabs. I feel quite vunerable to them at this time. I suffer alot of sickness emotionally and physically because of my upbringing. She says to just get over it.

  Maybe in some ways I feel very left behind. When I took my EMT course and worked on the ambulance, I felt very alive. The girls deemed me someone important, and mom bragged. What's to brag about 'mom' these days! She's on welfare. I'm a quiet humilation in the family. I wouldn't change the fact that I put my girls first these last five years in a major way. Drugs, boyfriends, police etc - I was there, and as a result, they are doing well now. Society doesn't value that though. (not that I'd change a thing) I feel so deeply sad. At this very special time - WHY?!

  Your thoughts would be most welcome. Cos I feel like running away and shutting off. I don't know what's being triggered in me - or why. There's just a mix of anger, sadness and joy.

  Mimilly
• 

  Dutchie

  First of all, Mimilly, congratulations to both you and your daughter on her graduation. You don't look old enough to have such a big daughter.

  I'm so sorry that things are not working out for you right now. But you have such a positive attitude about your circumstances and you have applied to go to school so I am sure that things will pick up for you. Some people have no options and sometimes you kow that they are just going to be poor all their lives. You, though, seem to have options and you want to work and you want things to get better so you are ahead of the game. I wish you all the luck in the world. You seem to be a well adjusted grounded individual and I just know that you are going to land on your feet.

  I know that on special days we want to give our kids presents. Its only natural. But your daughter is practically grown and I am sure she realizes your circumstances. She knows that if you had money you would buy her a present. You can only do what you can do, Mimilly. You can't beat yourself up for things you have no control over.

  I wish you the best of luck.

  (What did you want to get her?)
• 

  dungbeetle

  Sounds like 'empty nest syndrome' to me. They don't have to LEAVE for you to get it.

  It's like jet lag. Beleive me, you don't have to travel to get it.

  Hugs to ya, I went through all that. Broke both legs in a hit-and run car to pedestrian auto accident and neded help with the most basic of things from my kids while they were really little. It was a time of growing up for me, to rely on someone else, and young people at that, for basic needs.

  Make you feel better now?

  Hugs to ya.

  Edited by - dungbeetle on 12 June 2002 22:1:26
• 

  Lady Lee

  Mimilly Once you get used to it you will love it. I know I do. The world is so full of things to explore and now you will have more time to check some of them out
• 

  terafera

  The fact that I came from hell and was able to break many vicious cycles, proves that those around me when I was growing up could have done the same.

  Mimilly...seriously, are you living in my head? You, Lauralisa and I need to get together and have a long good talk. We all sound so much alike. Your quote above is something I say to my husband almost every day.

  I used to make excuses for the abuse I went through, they didnt know better, my mother was abused by her mother, etc.... but now I am a mother and love my son more than life itself. I cannot imagine finding joy in hurting him...so how could my mother do that to me? It makes me angry that she didnt love us kids more, enough to break the cycle.

  All I can do is be happy and thank God every day that I was born with more sense than my parents. So were you. Thank God you arent your parents. Be thankful that you are blessed enough to realize your blessings, and that you treat your children with respect, so that your daughter isnt fleeing out the door to leave you (like I was).

  You have so much love in your post...please write it down and tell your daughter everything you said to us. I know to this day, if my mother could only say 'I love you' and mean it, I would crumble to my knees. What greater gift could you give but a mother's love? New shoes, purses, money..its all crap. Your love is time indefinate, will teach her how to be a good woman, a loving mother. You are worth more than all the gold in the world.

  I think its hard for anyone to be a good parent, but for people like us, who went through hell growing up, it makes us even more special. The fact that we CAN love says volumes about our spirit and will.

  Like someone said earlier (I'm sorry, I can't see who posted on the last page right now) but I definately think some of it is grieving. There are times when for no reason, I just feel like bursting into tears. Then when I do some soul searching, it could be because someone was gentle with me, was extremely kind or forgiving. I guess it just overwhelms me how much good there is out there...when it was so foreign to me growing up. I wish I was right there when you were crying all alone..please know, over the many miles that separates us, that I am right by your side, stroking your hair and whispering,'just let it out, it'll be okay'.

  Please email me! I would love to talk to you more and hope things look better. I know sometimes everything falls down on me too.... hopefully tomorrow the clouds will break a little and let some sun back in.

  All my love and prayers to you and your family,

  Deb

  Edited by - terafera on 13 June 2002 3:36:15
• 

  Scully

  Mimilly:

  I had no idea you were going through such a rough time. <hugs> to you!

  If your guitars are something you really prize, maybe you should hang on to them. What about having a garage sale/bake sale to raise the money instead?

  If your daughter's grad rings are being sold by Josten's you can order them ANY time. My husband finally got his grad ring (class of 82) 10 years after he graduated from college. They only ask for a nominal amount for a deposit (this was 4 yrs ago when I got mine for nursing school) when you order, and you pay the difference when the ring is delivered. It usually takes 4-6 weeks from the time of the order to have the ring delivered. In the meantime, you'll be able to sock away a little here and there in order to pay for the balance.

  One of my most treasured possessions was my guitar - and I felt compelled to sell it because we were short on money at one point in our lives. I've always regretted it. By the way - my husband didn't feel compelled to sell his golf clubs at the time, even though he never used them. Go figure.

  Feel free to e-mail me, ok?

  Love, Scully
• 

  dobby

  I was thinking maybe she would like a scrapbook. You could do the first couple of pages with pictures of her graduation. Since you are artistic, you could draw designs or something on the pages around the pictures. I know that scrapbooking is really popular and the supplies are relatively inexpensive at craft stores

  If you leave the rest of the scrapbook empty, you could tell your daughter that you know she is going to accomplish wonderful things and you hope to see the book filled with happy memories.You can always get her graduation ring down the road.

  It sounds like you have done a wonderful job as mother, you should feel a sense of accomplishment. I only hope I can do as well with my little one. I am sure you have bittersweet feelings as you watch them go off to follow their dreams, especially if many of your dreams have been put on hold by circumstances. But don't give up, your time is here! So much of the hard work is behind you. Just take it one day at a time. Forget what society may think, mothers like you are MY hero!!!
• 

  Imbue

  ((((MIM))))

  I'm sure your daughter will understand you have been there for her all these years to the best of your ability and that's what children remember. Presents are meaningless unless you have a real relationship with your children. Believe me, I know because I have no relationship with my Father. Even though he always gave generous gifts on all the appropriate occasions. Your sharing all that you have will mean more to her someday than any gifts she receives form anyone, including her father.

  BTW have you looked into phlebotomy courses yet? It may give you a trade while you continue your education.
• 

  LDH

  Mim,

  Email me.

  Lisa
• 

  Mimilly

  I am touched beyond words from all of your words, ideas, hugs and sweet offers. I've emailed a couple of you, and I will definitely get to everyone.

  Imbue - You're quite right about the relationship being the most important thing, and that has been the foundation of importance in this home. Little things really do mean alot. (ie:)Shelene has very long hair and often asks me to french braid it for her before school or work, and I do. It's something little that I know she will remember that I took the time to do. I've also looked into the technician course you are talking about, and I would need to take pre-tech to upgrade my sciences.

  dobby - The scrapbook idea was already in my head but I was going about it the hard way, so I thank you for that idea.

  I&P - I'm super proud of being a good mom. It's been a fulltime job with unlimited overtime.

  scully - Yes, her ring is from jostens. I'll email you soon.

  terafera - Grieving is definitely part of it. Fear of the unknown for me as well. I'm relieved that for once, the family can pull this together, as I have always ended up holding the bag so to speak. Yes, it' s definitely bittersweet. As of this event, my life changes. I'm caught in the middle right now holding tons of memories and also eyeing the future. When I see baby pics of my two girls, my eyes well up with tears.

  LDH - I emailed you hon.

  Beth and Shelene are my absolute treasures. I am not a perfect mom (no one is). But we talk about absolutely everything. There's no age gap in our home. It's been wonderful watching them pass through phases with productive help, and not having to be alone. The giggle fits are so much fun. I love watching them carry on together, doing sister things. I'm blessed, and very rich in what is truly important. I never doubt that for a minute.

  I knew this month was going to be difficult for me. I'm thankful that I am able to vent here. This forum has become a place of refuge for me, and I've met so many sweetly sincere people.

  hugs n appreciaton - Mimilly

  Edited by - Mimilly on 13 June 2002 16:58:18