Of Anger, Resentment, Crying, & WhatNot

by SpiderMonkey 6 Replies latest jw experiences

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  SpiderMonkey

  It seems like there has been a lot of talk here about anger, bitterness, resentment of the Jdubs, and so on... I've read a few posts where current dubs, or someone in the process of leaving, asks 'why are y'all here, on this site, so many years after you left?' or 'why all the anger and resentment? why not let it go & move on with your life?'

  I don't know how to answer these questions, because it's never been quite like that for me... I do feel anger toward the borg, a bit of resentment... But not bitterness...? I was "in it" from my baptism at age 13 to my DFing at age 24... lost out on holidays, etc, since I was about 9 or 10... even went to Bethel for 3 years & was kicked out for some things I "confessed"...

  But, honestly, I've never felt bitter about the Jdub experience. I hate the borg with a passion, but I don't dwell on it (does that make any sense?)... I feel much more anger & resentment toward my mom, sister & brother who shun me to this day (7-8 years later). Not hatred toward them, but a much more bitter feeling than towards the borg. It seems that this is because of my philosophy of personal choice and accountability; I can't say for sure just yet, but maybe I resent their actions because they are individuals that I love, and I feel that they could be individuals & make up their own minds toward me rather than letting the borg do it for them. While I hate the borg, I don't necessarily blame it... I wonder what weakness/sickness/wrong-choice, or whatever, is going on with my family to make them treat me so. And, at the same time, I don't blame the borg for my having been a member of it; to a certain extent, the fault is my parents' for being so weak-willed as to indoctrinate young children into, and encourage them to dedicate themselves to it.

  And I don't exactly blame myself, BUT:

  If Zev's "what would you change?" thread had been aiming mainly at JW experiences, I would have answered in a heartbeat: When I was about 10, my mom came to ask me if I was ready for our weekly study (I don't remember what we were studying). I said 'no, I don't want to,' she asked me why, and I said, suddenly crying, 'I just don't believe in it.' She took me to her room and "reasoned with" me from some books that I couldn't hope to understand at that age, and at the end of it, I did understand, in retrospect: I understood that, for my mother to really love me, I HAD to be a part of this, and to accept it fully, body & soul... That was the beginning of the end for that period of my life... If there was one thing I would change, it would be accepting that tripe, at that moment in time, for that spurious reason. I don't expect a child of 10 (even myself, even though I set very high standards for myself) to be capable of such a thing, but if I could go back to that time I would tell her 'You know, I just don't understand any of this, and it really doesn't even sound right to me." And I would stick to my guns until the blessed day when I could move out, go to college, and get a life.

  As an afterthought, a couple of weeks back I was hanging out with a dear old xjw friend that I hadn't seen in years (we re-met here, Thank You Very Much =)... Somehow the subject of crying came up, and I realized that I've *never* cried about any of this... I'm not a very crying-prone person to begin with, but I would think that a good cathartic cry would be just about a given in this kind of situation...?

  Not really sure what else to write about that, so I'll just end it there; any comments would be appreciated.
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  Lady Lee

  Spider

  JMO I think that there are some people who may hate the JWs. And some who are bitter. many are angry, Very angry. They have lost a lot. But I honestly think that when people come in here and ask "Why are so all so hateful and bitter?" they are simply echoing the WT propaganda. It is beyond them to realize that many of us, if not most of us, have very legitimate compalints about the WTS. Most us us have lost our friends and family, our community and our beliefs. Where they are now it seems like it would be so normal to go back. Just remember they are looking from the inside out. And they have been taught that the only safe place is inside.

  We all have similar feelings even though our experiences are the same. And because we are individuals we all heal in different ways. There is no "right" way to do this. Some people cry. Some get angry. Others get busy. Some get involved in another religion or belief. Some take up a "cause" Most of us have a thirst for understanding and knowledge. And fortunately there are a lot more places to get both now than there were when I left 17 years ago.
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  rmayer32

  Some will always be angry and thats up to the individual. Personally I am not or have ever been angry about my personal experience in the JW's, however I do get angry when I read the propaganda B.S. they throw out there. I find it interesting the crap that has gone on since I left 13 years ago and all of that. Some will always be angry and bitter or at least one of each and some will not. It's a personal choice, but I won't judge or ridicule anyone for being either way, Some people went through a lot of hell at the hands of the JW's.

  -Rick
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  notperfectyet

  You will start crying...alot, and then the healing will start.
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  SpiderMonkey

  npy, IMO the healing has already started... It did the day I left, and proceeded sloooooooowly for about 7 years, until I found this site last month. This has been a BIG month for me, finding so many people w/ doubts similar to the ones I had (Simon even posted a fairly obscure question recently, the one about Babel, that was one of my biggest problems back then)... Seeing just how MANY xjdubs there are who are growing, healing... happy. The healing has definitely picked up speed Hopefully the "cry" will hit me sooner rather than later... I *do* think it would be a big step, but not necessarily a precursor to the healing process...

  love, & thanks for everyone's thoughts, Mike
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  SpiceItUp

  ((((((Mike)))))))

  I just finally reached a point in my life where I have let go of the "blame" factor. This one was a biggy for me. Since finding this about a month ago as well...not only have I had more personal growth..I also ran into an old friend ( *hugs* Moe)...and my relationship with my mother has improved. She is now confiding some feelings she had back when I was a very little girl (and even though she never acted on them and probably never will I respect her much for and am grateful she is sharing with me things I never imagined). That being said..I have had my cries, many times, and sometimes all you need is the shoulder. And that is what this place is for me. It is my shoulder.

  Carol
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  LyinEyes

  I think there are people here with different levels of anger , bitterness, and resentment. Some have just become inactive and have faded from the JW after learning the real truth about them. Others have been hunted down, harassed and had false accusations made about them. Many have lost family , due to the policies of the WT. I know alot of families that want to be with their d/f family, but out of fear, they can not. So I can see why so many hate the WT. There are those who have even lost close friends and family by suicide, because of the WT strict, unloving, uncaring, self righteous ways. Sure we are all accountable for our own lives, our own choices. But there are countless victims that are not as strong willed as others , who have been abused, and do not know how to get help or get out. The children that are being molested too, that is another example of why some are so damn bitter. That is something you never get over, and what hurts so much , is the WT will sweep it all under the carpet and deny their part in the whole thing. . The WT is causing so much damage to so many because of their pride . They know they are wrong but are too much like the Pharisees to change, they have too much to lose. I am bitter over alot, angry , and hope they all go down for what they have done. I am trying to be a strong person and by leaving the JW , I stood up for myself. That is a great feeling, but there have been many crying jags for me along the way, many sleepless nights, but I know this is healing. Good post , btw Mike. I also was intrigued by that thread that Simon posted. I really do enjoy having the freedom to think about such things, without feeling guilty.