Xandria,
Oh, my dear girl, I can tell by your heartfelt post here, that you have come such a long way. Being abused is a terrible way to live. My heart does go out to you. ((((HUGS)))).
At one point about four years ago, I decided that I needed to go to counseling again. It is a free service provided by my employer, but in the past, I did not have much success with the person assigned to me. I wanted my marriage to survive, and instead, two different counselors within a six year period of time, were telling me that my situation, of being married to an alcoholic would never change, never survive, and so I should absolutely leave him. That kind of advice really turned me off. Of course, the discussions would always end up back on "religion" and "JW's", which I really found that they had basically no idea what I had gone through.
I kept thinking that I could still manage to make my marriage work, and that all I had to do was try a little harder. I fell back into the co-dependent syndrom, which really does nothing for self-esteme. Last year, when I sought out a counselor again, I made certain that if they could not connect me with someone who was going to help me instead of making some negative statements about failure, then I wasn't going to go anymore. Well this time they hooked me up with an excellent gentleman.
Everything about his sessions was totally different. He taught me all about true meditation and how to relax the mind and the thoughts, and to deal with issues that I'd kept pushing back inside me. Many of these issues within me, dealth with so much unresolved stuff from the borg, from my family, from my marriages. He told me that I needed to change more....more than I already had. He said that I had to care about myself and do good things for myself. He told me that when I made these changes, two things could happen. One, the marriage was going to flip over and die, and he told me that I needed to prepare myself for that. But, second, he told me, that if my husband was a good person, who really loved me and wanted things to work, he was going to change too, and that would mean he would take steps to get sober and stay sober. Either way, I needed to get strong, because I had the battle of my life ahead of me.
I was scared, but I knew he was right. I began to change. I began to do things to make me happy, and I disregarded the verbal abuses. I prepared a sanctuary inside my own home where I could go and be away from all that verbal abuse. I made that little room my haven. I listened to music and read books. I meditated. I wrote letters and made phone calls. I separated myself so I couldn't be hurt. I took a trip to Florida by myself to visit my mom, which was six months after my dad had died. This was the first time I had ever traveled by plane alone. I also began to do some other things for myself. Hubby saw this, and although instinctively, he became hurt, angry, defensive and extremely verbally abusive, I could also see that he was thinking about our life together, and how he wanted things to turn out. I knew that if he still continued to ask for a divorce, that this was his choice. I could no longer control that. He could no longer blame everyone else for his problem.
Xandria, I didn't know from one day to the next, what was going to happen. The only thing I could do was to prepare myself. I hated to live like that, but I had to survive. I went to so many Alanon meetings. I really hated the whole "pity me" atmosphere, but I was getting out, and I was meeting other women. Some had it better than me, but most had it worse. What frightened me the most was what one woman told me. She said that even if my husband sobered up, he wouldn't want me any more, because he would "see" what he had done to me and he wouldn't be able to face it. That was frightened, but then, I had to consider all posibilities.
My husband fought de-tox, but without giving him any type of ultimatum, he went in on his own last June. He was very, very angry and all his anger was directed to me. He was the only person in there, that refused to have any contact with their wife. He only stayed a week, as that is all our insurance would cover. But, he has gone over a year now without drinking. While in de-tox, they discovered that he also had some emotional issues and mental problems that had not been addressed and so they set him up to continue his doctor visits after he left; and so with proper medications for all his health issues, including diabetes, he has made a meraculous turnaround. For months after he came home, there was no communication. He withdrew into himself, and then slowly but surely, he began coming back out of that awful place where he was. It has made all the difference in our life together. I had the man I married nearly twenty years ago, back again. But, he had changed. We both had changed. And those changes have been necessary for both of us.
It is still, one day at a time. Although I have never been addicted to alcohol or drugs, I have been directly affected by it. My first husband took his life while strung out on drugs. My two sisters were into drugs, and one so badly that she nearly didn't make it. Glad to say, they are both doing well now. My worse enemy is the co-dependency. I learned all of that as a child, and it traveled on, with JW's, with my first marriage and into my second. It is something I continue to deal with. Low self esteem is my enemy.
I am so thankful for this Forum. I'm glad to be making new friends here. Friends that truly understand. Thank you for sharing parts of your life and experiences with me.
I welcome all of you with a loving heart and a warm embrace.
Sincerely,
Sentinel
Edited by - Sentinel on 7 July 2002 10:43:57
