What to tell the kid?

by land walker 7 Replies latest social family

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  land walker

  Hello everyone!

  I have never been a a JW. My ex-wife is a fanatic newborn JW for the last 5 years. Her fanatism was the main reason we got divorced. We have a 6 years old girl who didn't step her foot into a Kingdom Hall until she was 5 when we got divorced. Now since she spends more time with her mom than with me, they don't miss a single meeting or field service work. After 8 months of JW involvement, my girl asked me not to celebrate her upcoming birthday because mom will get really mad and will punish her for the whole week. She repeatedly told me that she is scared to celebrate.

  I have a dilemma now. I really want my daughter to enjoy holidays and special days, on the other hand I don't want to hurt her, put lots of pressure and guilty feelings on her. What would be a golden middle?

  Anybody has an experience or thoughts?

  Thanks
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  LB

  Sounds like your little girl is likely to become a pawn in a pissing contest. Only way that won't happen is if one of you gives in. Sounds to me like you'll have to give in.

  Go along with moms wishes. She is too young to keep secrets from mom so a secret birthday party will never stay a secret. Have you talked to your ex about this? Maybe she'd agree to daddy's worldly "issues"?

  If not then I suggest just not celebrating in the traditional sense. But you can always get her a gift, call her and tell her how much you love her and how the day she was born was the happiest day of your life, that sort of thing. But be careful, as long as mom has custody you'll have to jump through her hoops.
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  Aunty

  I agree, you don't want to make this a negative thing for her. But, you could always make sure you take her someplace special around the holidays and she gets something "new" (that's what we used to call presents around christmas!). She'll certainly miss having what other kids have, but you don't want her Mother to have any ammunition against you because you "celebrate" when she's visiting.
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  OUTLAW

  Hey LandWalker,your going to have to play this one very carefully.You don`t want your little girl stuck in the middle.LB is right,she`s too youg to keep secrets from her mom.You can still have celebrations with your daughter,just not on the day they normally happen.The birthday can be celebrated a week or two before or after her birthday.Just don`t call it a birthday party,even to your little girl.Once you get a handle on how to pull this off,you can apply it to other celebrations as well.When she gets a lot older you can explain things to her.Until then,keep your ass below the radar...OUTLAW

  Edited by - OUTLAW on 8 July 2002 13:31:26
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  land walker

  Thanks guys for your advices!

  I am still fighting for the custody. It is hard just to give in and let the Watchtower rule in all areas of my daughter's life. The blood issue by itself is too heavy to carry.

  Thanks again.
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  SYN

  Sounds like you're between a rock and a hard place! I don't envy you!
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  Beck_Melbourne

  Hello landwalker

  I just wanted to say that you are in a most awkward situation. You are going to have struggles all through your daughter's childhood...unless you are prepared to lie down and let your ex walk all over you.

  I don't think your ex wife has the right to dictate to you how your daughter's birthday should be recognised, YOU'RE not a jw...so why should you have to respect her beliefs.

  This reminds me of an experience I had with my partner's ex wife - neither my partner or his ex were jw btw - but this is just to illustrate how easy you can be manipulated. One day my partner picked up his girls a few weeks prior to christmas...the girls then handed him a list of presents that they wanted for christmas. The list was written by their mother and consisted of some very expensive items. At the bottom of the list was a note saying: Please make sure you write on their cards that the gifts are from SANTA! This way his gifts wouldn't be distinguised from her own gifts, and she could assign him the expensive presents and she could get the less expensive ones. After all, the presents are ALL from Santa! Amazing!

  Sometimes you need to put your foot down!

  Beck
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  Xandria

  Being a Parent can be confusing. I don't know from having a child but being the Child in a most complex situation.

  My parents could not agree on how to raise me.. my father wanted me for a year,then she have a year etc. they could not agree which led to a parent ( I will not say which one) abducting me and taking me across state lines.

  5 years later I was returned and it was not a easy re-assimulation. I learned I had a sister that was born while I was "away". I had a step parent that was not over joyed at my return. Things got progressively worse.

  If you cannot work out these issues with your ex spouse.. then please before things get out of hand. Try mediation... that way each parent's "rights" are worked out. The main thing to remember is your child... who is a individual in her own right. Who should not have to be made to choose, decide who is right or wrong, nor should any parent put down the other to her. As the saying goes you may HATE eachother's guts, but you show only love to your child. It doesn't involve her, what ever was between you and your ex. Otherwise your child may feel like she is at fault for the divorce.

  Believe me, I respected my father more b/c he did not put down my mother. Did not discuss the reasons for the break up or anything. Until I asked and pressed him to find out his side of the story. I was a adult when I asked him. There was a lot of regret, sadness that tinged all this. My mother on the other hand.. she just spewed hate and vile things.

  Do not stop being there for your daughter. She will respect you for it. More so than your wife, if she continues to "trash" you to her.

  An mostly all I can say is hang in there. Parenting is not a exact science you will make mistakes, admit them, say I am "sorry" and move on.

  Xandria