Top Ten Features in the New Watchtower Library CD

by Matty 8 Replies latest social humour

• 

  Matty

  As you know, the new New Watchtower Library CD is soon to be with us all, and as one of the beta-testers I would like to share with you some of the more surprising new features of the CD:

  Top Ten Features in the New Watchtower Library CD

  1. Resurrection Feature - After your computer crashes, it allows you to start up where you left off as if nothing ever happened.

  2. Before: "19,445 Search Results" Now: "A Great Crowd of Search Results"

  3. Special section on the trinity - ironically, on a 3-CD set.

  4. Wtower.exe is exactly 144,000 K.

  5. New "Book of Life" feature always remembers your preferences.

  6. You can't "uninstall" and "re-install" the software, only "disfellowship" and "reinstate" it.

  7. Unfortunately it takes 40 days and 40 nights to install.

  8. It has a search "like for hidden treasure" feature.

  9. Try to illegally copy it, and it quotes 1 Corinthians 6:9, 10.

  10. Although it may reside in the Operating System called Windows, it is still "no part" of the Windows.
• 

  ItsJustlittleoldme

  ROFL!!! I love it!
• 

  SYN

  1. It changes it's installation size every few years, then says it didn't!

  2. Forces your computer not to celebrate Easter and Christmas.

  3. Deletes all MP3s on your computer and replaces them with Kingdom Songs (the bad ones!)

  4. Quotes Rutherford whenever you type naughty things in your IM applications!

  5. Whenever you look at pr0n, it pops up a message box that counsels you on the dangers of pornography.

  6. Won't allow your computer to connect to www.jehovahs-witness.com!

  7. Changes all your documents behind your back.

  8. Keeps asking you if you want a free Home Bible Study.

  9. When you try to run Quake, it says "Error: This game is Satanic and has been deleted!"

  10. Worst of all, it only works when the 8 software components it's composed of have a two-thirds majority vote on it functioning properly!
• 

  Farkel

  Syn,

  : Deletes all MP3s on your computer and replaces them with Kingdom Songs (the bad ones!)

  You mean there are good ones?

  Farkel
• 

  Valis

  It comes with an AOL CD

  It innoculates your computer against demons

  You get your own free everlasting connection to jehovahcanal.com

  WTBS.exe and elder.dum burned into the OS, power surges enabled

  Watchtower Themes Installed Permanently on Desktop/Podium

  Performance Monitor now requires your time card for access to Solitaire or Internet

  New feature allows DF & DA proceedings with screaming audio/video via webcam

  Computer shuts off and remains locked during meeting nights...no override

  Once connected to net...the pub.vbs seeks back doors to knock on.

  No need for virus protection...we guarantee Jehovah will take care of it.

  Sincerely,

  District Overbeer
• 

  Xander

  it is still "no part" of the Windows

  LOL! I love this one.

  Needs some refining:

  Although it requires Windows, and makes use of many Microsoft DLLs, it is still "no part" of the Windows and won't participate in Operating System events (such as defragmenting or virus scans).
• 

  SYN

  LOL @ Farkel and Xander!
• 

  Matty

  I'm laughing my butt off here! Thank you all for your additions, they were funnier than my original list!
• 

  Valis

  How strange would that be if you belonged to a religion that wanted you to dial up and have your machine connected to thier servers at all times...Your ISP and God all bundled up for $19.95 a month...does not cover your weekly real world contribution either..please see disclaimer....*L* Anyway, I just had that scary thought and imagined the media taking over the message...then consuming all aspects of the parishioners life...eldercam access to your home...hidden JC mics all over the house, hourly service meetings and kingdom songs.......print your own magazines...at your cost of course... Maybe some day huh?

  Sincerely,

  Dsitrict Overbeer