Funs Things to do to When Jehovah Witnesses Come to Visit...
Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry. (immediate results)
Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of Christian charity lasts.
Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.
Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the Forty two children. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat. (2 Kings in Chapter 2, umm... somewhere near the end).
Excuse yourself from the front door and DO NOT come back.
Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls. (bookie, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearful confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.)
Pick an often repeated word in their vocabulary (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.
Same as above, except say "beep" instead of giggling.
Guys can show an intense interest in their spiel. Part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the whole works. (make encouraging noises [uh huh, I see...] throughout and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a #7) If they're still there when you are done, Ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.
Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God
Any one want to add to the list ??
You're an 80's child if...You had a crush on one of the New Kids on the Block members.
You wanted to be on Star Search. (Come on, we all did)
You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
You wore a banana clip or one of those slap on wrist bands at some point during your youth.
You wore French rolls on the bottom of your splatter painted jeans.
You had slouch socks, and puff painted your own shirt at least once.
You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts' signed on it's butt.
You know the profound meaning of ''Wax on, Wax off.''
You can name at least half of the members of the elite ''Brat Pack.''
You can remember watching Full House and Saved by the Bell for endless hours!!!!!!
You have seen at least 10 episodes of Fraggle Rock.
You know that another name for a keyboard is a ''Synthesizer.''
You hold a special place in your heart for ''Back to the Future.''
You know where to go if you ''Wanna go where everybody knows your name.''
You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool. (Was there an 80's movie she WASN'T in?)
You know what ''Sike'' means.
You fell victim to 80's fashion: big hair, crimped, combed over to the side, and you wore spandex pants
You wanted to be a Goonie - (hey u guyz!!)
You owned an extensive collection of Cabbage Patch Kids and trolls.
You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played ''Sam'' to be.
You ever wore fluorescent -neon if you will clothing...(or nail polish)
You could break dance, or wished you could. (I said hip hop....)
You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system. (Remember Pong)
You know all the words to ''Ice Ice Baby''.
You remember MC hammer well.
You can still sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air"
You own any cassettes.
You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.
You remember and/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from PizzaHut.
Poltergeist freaked you out.
You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf. ( amended for ex-dubs)
You wanted to communicate with some being named Cinergy.
You wanted to have an alien like Alf living in your house.
You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.
You wore tights under shorts and felt stylish.
You ever had a Swatch Watch.
You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the care-bear stare.(Hahahahaha!)
You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
You had Wonder Woman or Superman underwear. ( Yep that was ME!!!)
You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
You Believed that ''By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power'' ( HEman and SheRA )
You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
Partying ''like it's 1999'' seemed SO far away!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my friend, are a ''Child of the 80's.''
I can relate to that one.. OMG! Like Fer Sure Fer SURE!
Horror Movie Survival Guide
If the house you're living in tells you to "GO AWAY", do so immediately.
Never take a bath or shower with a maniac/spirit/demon/creature in the house.
When it appears that you have killed the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, DO NOT check to see if he/she/it is really dead. Keep hacking at it until it is in pieces small enough not to be a threat to you. If you've shot at it, shoot it again in the head, and remember, shoot till it stops moving, and then keep shooting till you're out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some more. Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works with everything except demons and spirits. Then get the hell out of there!
If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin shaking and spewing body fluids, it's time to leave.
Never read aloud from a book that summons demons. Even as a joke.
Don't look under the bed.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
If trees, TVs, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many as you can and then get the hell out of the area.
If relatives or pets come back from the dead, don't approach them and ask "What did you come back to do?"
If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent, leave the area.
If you've hidden from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature and you are not found, do not peek from or decide it's safe to leave your hiding place. If you do decide to leave, scan the ground for twigs before you take a step.
Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed."
It is very, very dangerous to back into, or through rooms.
When you have the benefit of numbers, never, ever, pair off, or go in alone. The more people the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is distracted by, the better "your" chance of escape.
Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.
If demons begin possessing your companions, it's a good idea to leave the area as soon, and as quickly as possible.
If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.
If you've just finished running over the maniac/spirit/demon/creature in your car, keep going. Most certainly do not get out of the car under any circumstances to see if he/she/it is "really" dead.
As a general rule, don't try to solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares.
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc.
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially those that appear that that they would break easily.
If you find something that appears to be alive that you cannot identify, don't pick it up or touch it, with anything.
If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately or else you will quickly die.
If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled under, Don't go after them or peek over the edge of the shore "to see what's wrong." If you are in a boat, head for shore.
If appliances start operating by themselves, you are in danger.
Do not accept/take anything from the dead.
If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home.
If you discover the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass murders, deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurrences, leave.
If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself still alive, you probably aren't awake yet.
If you find a town which looks deserted, it is probably deserted for a damn good reason. Take the hint and stay away.
Don't play with ouija boards. If you do and the ouija board starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave.
If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area immediately.
Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus or Satan.
Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're really sure you know what you are doing.
Make sure that your weapon is really loaded before you try to use it.
If your space ship gets a alien distress signal from what appears to be a dead planet, don't stop to check it out.
Never put your back to or lean on a door.
Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house.
Never speak to clowns in sewers.
Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect that they are really supernatural beings.
If you're running from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, expect to trip and/or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Do not turn to look back, if you do, you stand a good chance of tripping immediately and being killed. If you turn and look back, and you don't see the maniac/spirit/demon/creature chasing you, stop and run immediately back the way you came because the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is now in front of you.
If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, biting, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked resemblance to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them as possible.
Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on around you. Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on the average, they are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), Mydian, Questa Verde, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
Beware of transvestite doctors that sing.
Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those which keep 'Redrum' in stock.
Beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives, flamethrowers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, high-powered rifles, gophers wielding axes, laser pistols, or Alludium Q-36 explosive space modulators.
If you're going to shoot something, in the immortal words of Robert Ruark, african game hunter, "USE ENOUGH GUN."
If entering your craft you put your hand in a kind of sticky/slimy/resinous kind of substance that was not there before, turn and run immediately.
If you are in the Arctic and find an alien frozen in ice, don't touch it, don't thaw it out, leave it alone. The alien should be incinerated with thermite (or preferably a thermonuclear weapon), otherwise if it thaws out, it will kill you and every living thing on earth.
If you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite direction. If there is no exit, make one.
Some great ways to annoy people at work...
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3. Insist that your e-mail address be [email protected] or [email protected]
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN.'
7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favours"
10. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
11. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
12. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13. Don't use any punctuation
14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15. Ask people what sex they are.
16. Specify that your drive through order is "to go."
19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
22. Five days in advance tell your co-workers you can't attend the social event because you're not in the mood.
23. Pretend your phone is a CB when talking with clients.
Genie Joke
This man walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and pulls up his stool. The bartender comes over and asks what he'll have to swill. As he states his preference, something in the bag is moving around shaking the paper bag. The bartender gives a puzzled look but proceeds to the tap. As he's filling the mug, he looks at the bag again and sees that something is still moving around in the bag. He brings the beer over and places it in front of the man.
His curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the man what he's got in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar... the bartender looks intently at the piano as the man again reaches into the bag... pulling out a small piano bench. He places the bench in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a foot tall man. The man sits at the piano and begins playing.
The bartender says,"wow, he sure can play the piano,where'd you get him?"
The guy looks at him and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here, go ahead, rub it.."
So the bartender says, "Is there a real genie in there?"
The guy says, "Yes, just rub it and see."
So the bartender says okay and begins to rub the lamp... and out pops this beautiful genie.
She says,"I will grant you one wish, and one wish only."
So the bartender ponders this for a moment and says, "Okay, I'd like a million bucks."
The genie disappears.. and they're both waiting and waiting and nothing happens. They both look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Then a minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar. They both look at each other, very puzzled, and then another duck appears... and another, and another.. and it continues.
The bartender looks at the guy and says, "I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks."
And the man says, "Yes, I know, do you think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?"
Children's Books Not Recommended by the National Library Association
Clifford the Big Dog is Put to Sleep
Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose
The Hardy Boys, the Bobsey Twins, and the Vice Squad
The Tickling Babysitter
A Pictorial History of Circus Geek Suicides
Charles Manson Bedtime Stories
Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle
Babar Becomes a Piano
Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
David Duke's World of Imagination
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Legends of Scab Football
Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina
Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer
Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales But Can't Remember the Endings to All of them
Ed Beckley's Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change From Your Mom's Purse
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Clothes
The Care Bears : Maul Some Campers
You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Bi-Curious George
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
You Are Different and That's Bad
Dad's New Wife Timothy
Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games
Testing Homemade Parachutes With Your Household Pets
Why Your Moms "Flashlight" Vibrates
Detours Using Local High Traffic Rail Tracks
ICONS To USE
Need to describe your ass or someone else's over the Internet but want it to be visual? Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:
(_!_) A regular ass
(__!__) A fat ass
(__)(__) A "wide load" ass
(!) A tight ass
(_*_) A sore ass
{_!_} A swishy ass
(_o_) An ass that's been around
(_x_) Kiss my ass
(_X_) Leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) A tired ass
(_E=mc2_) A smart ass
(_?_) Dumb ass
(_Lame_) Lame ass
(_jack_) Jackass
(_-$_) Cheap ass
(_0_) A Prison ass
(_) Half ass
(^) Registered ass
(__|___) Lop sided ass
(_:_) 2 holed ass
(_O_) Cavernous ass (an ass that's REALLY been around)
(Mom)(__) Tattooed ass
(_)||(_) Fucked ass
()() Ass print on a window
( * * ) Ass with dimples
(_X X_) A kicked ass
(_%_) An average ass
(_$_) A rich ass
[_!_] A hard ass
Things not to say to a naked man.
Things NOT to Say to a Naked Man...
That's it?
Wow - look at all the hair on your back!
Maybe you should start going to the gym more.
That was fine, dear...pass me my vibrator?
Thats a shame, maybe we should grab a video instead?
Wake me when it's over, ok?
I think the condom's too big.
Zzzzzz....
You want me to what?!?
Well, that explains the padded pants.
Did you take out the garbage yet?
My husband's in the Marines.
He's due home any day now.
Is that a toupee?
So THAT'S what your ex warned me about!
No.
Surgery might be able to help.
Not until you've showered.
That must be my mother on the phone.
Your brother's bigger.
Your best friend's better.
Are you done yet?
Wow! Look at the size of your.....beer gut!
Size doesn't REALLY matter, dear.
You might want to see a doctor about that.
Hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!
hehehehe
Xandria